How would you move on ? Too many questions in my head

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:19 am

My 15 year old schedule today.

Woke up . His mentor took him out for an hour. After afew hours not hearing from him he called me that he went to a friends house .
After another few hours he called me that he went with his friends to do a noy sukka and that he broke his fast (without letting me or dh know.) In other words he was out since morning untill 10 at night . He came home I told him I left the kitchen for him to clean away, he said no problem. He comes home after not being home the entire day , I spot him talking to a friend on phone. I didnt say anything just 5 minutes later prompted him to do his job in kitchen . He was quite a while spending on the phone . I went out for a small walk, as I came back I did see he did his job it was 12 at night and again I spotted him on the phone talking loud. until it really started to get to me very badly. That was after spending an entire day with friends, coming home much later then expected, what's the reason for continuing be on the phone untill midnight . He hung up the phone and I just told him how he crossed boundaries today and told him that it's not the norm to spend this much time with friends if was out this long he shouldve known that their is no phone anymore.

Because I used the words "not the norm"
He claimed that I'm mean because I labele him as not normal. I was trying to explain to him that the action what he does isnt the norm , no way is he taking it back he kept saying that I labeled him as not normal . And again I told him that for a 15 year old it's not average to spend on the phone the amount he does .. he felt I'm belittling him. I told him for example he didn't call me or dh that he is breaking his fast which he should have done , he answered he didnt think . just I guess did It impulsively . Then I told him he will have kids too and he will want his kids should count on him or do things as needs to be . He answered that I curse him . Which wasn't cv at all my intentions. I said that I wish he sees more naches from his kids then I do . (Maybe this was too a strong one . And I was regretting after that maybe I shouldn't have said it) he is doing great in lot of areas though, but he is not such an easy child, he can give us a very hard time, but definitely is good In lots of areas too. I will call him a typical teenager. Just with every word I said to him he made me feel like I'm the worst mother, and I belittle him . It bothers me that when I talk to him openly what he did wrong and he should change his behavior, he takes it very negatively. How else can I let him know not ever to behave like he does. If he was out all day with friends he has to know once he's home their is no phone anymore. The whole conversation ended with conflict between us , he went to sleep and so did I with not the best of feelings. I keep questioning myself if I was so wrong for confronting him. My answer is that not, just he is the type to make his mom feel guilty rather then accepting what my intentions were . I feel my wits end with the phone situation. He is a tremendous amount of time being on the phone all the time. I'm asking if its normal? from my perspective its ABSOLUTELY not normal! I let him go out last night too , I even drove him . He was out today unofficial with his friends until real late. Little later , late at night I spot him again talking on the phone. Should I keep calm, QUIET, enough is enough. How can I make it any clearer to him that that's not the way without him feeling resentful or feeling low because I tell him ? I dont know what the right approach is to take with this . Should I feel guilty for loosing it today? (I wouldn't even call it loosing It) he only wanted to hear and understand on his level and most of the stuff I told him which was very understandable and normal he took as offensive and now I'm left feeling extremely bad . Help me help him please!

ChanieMommy

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:42 am

He was nice for cleaning the kitchen although he did not eat there (did I get this right?).

I would not consider his behavior abnormal.

why shouldn't he be on the phone with his friends?

I think it is a good idea to have some one-on-one time with him... Mainly for positive interaction. Wouldn't the moment when he came home have been a good occasion? So this time it was not possible, because you went for a walk, I get that...

Odelyah

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:43 am

OP your son sounds like a sweet boy but I'm confused--is he in high school/yeshiva? what is his schedule supposed to be? was his school closed the whole day because of the taanis?

It's normal for a 15 year old to be out all day/evening but most of that time is in school. (and yes the rest of time it's normal to spend with friends or on the phone. and midnight is prime time.) but what is his actual daily schedule? that's the part that seems to be missing here.

amother

Blue

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:46 am

Odelyah wrote:

OP your son sounds like a sweet boy but I'm confused--is he in high school/yeshiva? what is his schedule supposed to be? It's normal for a 15 year old to be out all day/evening but most of that time is in school. (and yes the rest of time it's normal to spend with friends or on the phone. and midnight is prime time.) but what is his actual daily schedule? that's the part that seems to be missing here.

Agree, your post seems to imply he is not in school at all? If so, sounds like there are other issues to tackle first. Late night phone calls are very minor in the scheme of things if he is at home all day with no structure or routine.

Odelyah

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:53 am

also, I get that you were expecting your son home to break the fast; if that happened to me and I was concerned (or annoyed) because my teenage child didn't come home for dinner or whatever when they were expected, I would just call them and remind them (if it mattered to me). did you try to reach him?

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:07 am

Odelyah wrote:

He is 15 . A regular yashiva boy . Today since tannis was no yashiva. I had no problem that he went out with friends, believe me he goes a lot out . But to me if he is out spending many hours with his friends why does he need or need I allow him to spend many hours on phone after . I feel this age still needs this guidlines . Is it really normal for this age to spend hours and hours talking on phone? Btw it's not exaggerated. He is spending a very big amount of time being on the phone. Yes , he does have yashiva , so then he comes home he spends straight on the phone until he goes to sleep. It's the first time I really spoke up about it like this . I do mention to him just how once maybe that I think it's too much but I dont make an issue. Today because he was out all day , and after he came home couldn't move away from the phone it really got me upset. Might be I'm still not right . Let me know if I should let go this. To me it's odd but let me hear more of opinions.

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:14 am

Normally he has a regular schedule. In a few days ben hazmanim will start , and I'm willing to hear if its normal to let him spend a ton of time on the phone. Could be I'm not used to this . I was never this social phone person, I grew up not with many friends, which my kids are blessed with. But I feel it's going to an extreme with his social life .

I'm here to hear how to deal with it

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:16 am

Odelyah wrote:

I wasnt too concerned since he kept letting me know where he was up to . My upsetness kicked in after he came home and couldn't let go of his phone .

TravelHearter

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:28 am

My kids aren’t in this stage yet.
But maybe trying talking to him in a different way? When something happens and you get annoyed (justifiably or not), the conversation that follows in the moment can easily become unproductive.
Maybe take a time when you’re calm and he’s chilled and sit down with him and discuss how you noticed he’s on his phone a lot and you miss him being around more etc or whatever it is. Talk to him, ask him his opinion. Be careful not to say anything that will make him think he’s being attacked, as he will immediately get defensive.
Maybe you can even start out gentle and see if it works- for example, ‘I’m sure it’s important to you to spend time with your friends, whether in person or on the phone. I love it when you’re happy. Is there any way to maybe minimize the time?’

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 3:15 am

Your son is right, he is perfectly normal. Teens have social needs that adults don't have. Especially if your teen is an extrovert and really enjoys his peers. It's healthy!

You are right, because there needs to be boundaries and rules in place. It sounds like he was not clear about your expectations, and you got upset because of the cross-wired communication.

When things are calm, talk with him about some ground rules. He needs to call when plans change. He needs to give you a firm time when to expect him home, so you won't worry.

If want him to do a chore by a certain time, you need to tell him. "DD, I would like to have the dishes done in the next half hour." Don't be random, you need to have chores done at a certain time for a REASON. Otherwise, just be glad that they got done.

If late night phone conversations are disrupting the household or keeping anyone from sleeping, then you need to tell him "no calls after 11pm", or "you need to be in bed by X time" or "take your call out to the porch, and keep your voice down. Other people need to relax and get some rest."

Teenagers have NO idea how loud they are. Have you ever heard a bunch of teenage girls giggling? They are LOUD! If you call it to their attention, they won't have the slightest idea what you are talking about, so keep reminding them. Speaking softly helps them see what "indoor voices" are supposed to sound like.

Long story short - let him do his own thing, but it has to be within YOUR limits. If you are not CRYSTAL CLEAR on this, you'll end up right back where you are now.

You are raising a male teenager. They are not mind readers! (And he will probably grow up to be a man who is not a mind reader, and his wife will be annoyed that he stayed out late, or forgot to take out the garbage. That's just how men's brains work. LOL

)

Rappel

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 3:31 am

It sounds like you miss him, and you wish he would have spent time with you at the end of the day instead of on the phone with his friends.

So instead of accusing him, could you say that to him? "Hey I missed you today. Smile

How was it with Shlomo? Let's sit with some cookies and talk a bit - I'd love to hear everything. "

amother

Smokey

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 7:48 am

We had a no phone after 11 rule growing up. It's not for everyone but it worked for our family.

Just One

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 8:07 am

What you're describing sounds well within the realm of normal. Especially the details, like him cleaning up the kitchen and the fact that he let you know what he was up to throughout the day give the feel that this is a good regular teenager with a strong social side that night be somewhat mismatched with his mother.
If there are things he's neglecting because of his socializing that needs to be addressed, otherwise give him space and don't try to change his personality. Long speeches don't work well with teenagers (or anybody)

amother

Amber

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 8:26 am

Rappel wrote:

How was it with Shlomo? Let's sit with some cookies and talk a bit - I'd love to hear everything. "

This.

There’s nothing abnormal about a teen wanting to spend so much time with friends. Personally it would bother me because I’d want my son to spend some of that time with me and the family. But if you’re accusing, then of course he’d prefer to spend his time with his friends. You can’t force him to WANT to spend time with you. But if the time spent together is pleasant then it’s more likely that he will want to.

amother

Amber

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 8:27 am

I’m curious are you the poster who wrote about your son always being on the phone and how much that bothers you?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 8:46 am

Based on your writing style, there are cultural differences between us, so I'm having a hard time understanding what your expectations are.
Do you want him to be sitting alone and reviewing the Gemara from last week? Do you want him to do a puzzle with his brother? I imagine you don't want him surfing the net. Do you worry about him being negatively influenced by these peers? Do they smoke/drink/hang out with g-rls? He cleaned the kitchen as you asked and kept you posted as to his whereabouts about. Personally, I don't see your issue.

dankbar

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 8:59 am

Ye thank G-d he was making noi succah, & conversing with friends & not worse

aliavi

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 9:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wasnt too concerned since he kept letting me know where he was up to . My upsetness kicked in after he came home and couldn't let go of his phone .

It sounds to me like you are hurt that he’s not spending time with you. Being on the phone isn’t a problem at all if the topics are okay and he’s still keeping his schedule. Ask him to make a time with you that the two of you can spend time. He’s busy so you need to plan in advance. I would also add that a good social life can be what keeps your son a regular yeshiva boy.

clowny

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:18 am

Op, it sounds that it’s really bothering you that he chooses his friends over you. So here’s my say. Number 1- for some teenagers it’s perfectly normal to prefer their friends over their mom. . Number 2, as a mother you should be the one reaching out to him to spend time with him especially if you feel he’s spending too much time on the phone. I think that instead of going out for a walk when he finally came home, you should’ve had a chat. The only time I get very concerned and annoyed when my teenager is too much on the phone is when we’re all enjoying family time over a board game and popcorn and he/she chooses to miss it and rather chat on the phone. It is perfectly normal for teenagers to spend time in the phone. Count your blessings. Be happy he has friends. But I think you should make it your business to try to spend more time with him chatting. It’s good for your relationship and will also keep him away from the phone.
Good luck.

Mommyg8

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:19 am

I think it's normal for a teenager to want to spend all his time with his friends, though I agree that boundaries can be put in place. The best way to do that is BEFORE, so next time this comes up, have a discussion and explain what it is that you are expecting.