Help me figure out my moody teenager

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 10:17 pm

Can someone help me out since I’m new at this teenage thing. Let me start by saying that we have a very stable home bh. My kids see a decent shalom bayis. They are not lacking financially or emotionally. We try to give each child the right amount of attention and discipline. Nothing overly stressful going on currently.
DD is a young teen and if a psychiatrist would peek into my home she would definitely be diagnosed with either depression, anxiety, bipolar, or all three.
She’s always nervous and moody. Yells and bickers with her siblings. Borders on being chutzpadig to her parents. Is grumpy every time she is asked to do an age appropriate chore. Is generally in a lousy mood.
Contrast this with a peek into her classroom or in camp.
DD is a teacher's delight. Smart, mature, sweet, intelligent. Has a ton of friends. Is the star of the show. Jolly and always ready for fun and action. Creative and generous. Always smiling.
Why the contrast? Again, in our eyes she is a cherished oldest. Doesn’t lack attention, space or anything she needs. How is one girl so different at home and between friends? What am I doing wrong? Any advice appreciated! TIA

ra_mom

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 10:21 pm

The first thing that comes to mind is that she feels safe with you - and allows her feelings and moods to come out around you. That is a good thing! She feels safety in your home. So don't feel guilty about the difference in how she is at home.

The second thing that comes to mind is that she is struggling. While I don't know why, I do know that kids want to be good, they want to please. And if they're giving you a hard time, that means they are having a hard time and don't know how to express it.

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 10:24 pm

ra_mom wrote:

She’s not necessarily giving me a hard time. She’s just in a very grumpy mood at home vs all cheerful between friends.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 10:49 pm

Same same I will just put in my interest in hearing more . I can use guidance too. My daughter is lovely between friends and all good mooded when with freinds , at home spaces out, moody, nervous. I wish I knew why . Though we do try to be very nice and loving to her but were having a hard time pleasing her. I guess it's a stage and will iyh pass . I find that we need to be loving , accepting and kind regardless how they react.

yksraya

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 11:38 pm

It's very common for teens to have mood swings. Their hormones are making them that way. It's like they are confused people.

Try to see the sweet side of her and try to ignore the moodiness. It will iyh pass and she will be a lovely young adult soon.

amother

Rose

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 11:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She’s not necessarily giving me a hard time. She’s just in a very grumpy mood at home vs all cheerful between friends.

My dd is bh outgrowing this stage, but the next one isnt far behind.

Take your daughter out ocassionally to eat, for ice cream, mall shopping. Build a relationship with her, so that when this stage is over you will have a relationship.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 11:50 pm

My DD is like that to an extent...maybe not as extreme as you are describing. She has explained to me that she works really hard to put on a smile in school and interact happily with people even though she is struggling with things. By the time she gets home she is exhausted from the effort and can't keep it up and her negative moods come out. She happens to have particular challenges that make her life a bit difficult so it makes sense. But even teenagers who don't seem to have a particular reason to be struggling often are having a hard time on some level. Being a teen isn't easy these days - school pressure, social pressure, expectations at home, combined with normal hormonal fluctuations and other teenage issues. Is it possible your DD is having a hard time with regular teenage stuff (which many/most teens do) and is able not to let it show when she is in school or with friends but then can't keep up the "act" when she is home?

Eta: I teach teenagers and many parents have reported this phenomenon to me over the years....that their girls are anxious/moody/ difficult at home but amazing in school. Just like adults, teens can "behave themselves" in public but their stress comes out when they get home. The difference is that adults have also hopefully learned some coping skills to help them keep their moods somewhat in check at home too and/or they are willing and able to put in the effort to adjust their moods for the sake of others in their households.

amother

White

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 11:58 pm

Very normal. Being a teenager is hard! Turning from a child into an adult is not an easy process. So many hormones and emotions and thoughts and feelings involved. One minute they seem like they're almost adults, next minute they're acting like a child again. Totally normal. Just remember that technically she's still a child and if she acts that way it's fine. I think if she's fine with her friends then there's nothing to worry about. Just treat her with kindness, show her you love her and understand her. Talk to her about things that interest her. Keep focusing on your relationship with her. You sound like amazing parents!

amother

Navy

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:01 am

My daughter rather spends her day with Freinds than her parents . It used to bother me until I got used to teens . If I offer any day outing she most of the time will tell me she already made other plans with her friends. and we do have a close open relationship but she feels that now is her time to enjoy her friends. I a little bit must agree since you aren't certain how much time or if ever you will keep up with friends later in life . I feel since I'm married with kids I'm lacking social life like crazy so I'm happy she is using it up the most she could.

amother

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:04 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

When can I expect her to “outgrow” this stage? Btw I do the ice cream and mall thing.

amother

Coral

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:06 am

V normal. She can let her hair down at home. Some teens find it stressful to always be on the go and "fun" at school and then when they come home they can just veg. Also some find the contrast from home life to school life (and back again at end of day) hard...esp as home is "so boring" compared to being with friends and in school.
Just try be polite back to her and overlook a little. Remind her it's hurtful when she's deliberately rude. Try find an activity you enjoy doing together and do it a couple times a wk. It's an opportunity for her to talk to you. Ideas include a large puzzle (in eve alone together) going for a walk, visiting the library... anything.
Hang in there.
You don't mention her age but I find 11 and 12 particularly challenging

amother

Lavender

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:45 am

Just hold on tight
This stage too will eventually pass
Try to ignore most of it, don’t bother arguing
Somehow we were warned about the terrible two but not the hormonal moody teenagers!
I’m dealing with my 5th one so it doesn’t scare me anymore
Totally normal for girls ages 11-14 in my house

thanks

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 7:02 am

Maybe she learned that this behavior gets her attention at home.
Try to reinforce good behavior by acknowledging it with a compliment. Don't miss an opportunity to thank her for a chore she's done. Try as much as possible to ignore the unwanted behavior.