Dear Seminary Principals

amother

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:28 pm

All these seminary threads of late have really brought back my memories of my year in Israel and the words that I wish I can say.

Dear Seminary Principals,

I was a product of a very dysfunctional home with extreme abuse and neglect. Although my homelife was a mess, I never let that show. I had a large circle of friends and was blessed with many talents that allowed me to shine. I did very well in school and one would never know what I was going through. I went to many different camps and made the most amazing friends and created life long memories and friendships that I still treasure today. Camp was the light at the end of every year for me. I counted down to it and spoke to my friends around the globe awaiting those magical months of stability, fun, safety, oblivion and healthiness that they provided.
It was one such summer that I formed a close bond with my counselor- a girl I admired for her dedication to us, for her spunk but really for the way she blended it so well with her unyielding dedication to her tznius and Tefilla. We shared many deep conversations and over the course of them she inspired me to try to go to seminary.
There was no way it was going to happen to me. It wasn’t done in my family. My older siblings didn’t go. And there was no such money to even think of.
But I had my heart set on it. I wanted it desperately. To me it represented the tools I needed to reach adulthood after my turbulent childhood. It promised a year of friendships, opportunities and stability.

I begged and begged and remained firm that this is what I wanted. I finally got the go ahead to pursue my dream —on my own.

I have always been determined, that’s how I survived this far. I applied to the seminary that my older friend had gone to. I had no one guiding me, no one telling me which one would work for me so that’s all I did.

I came to the interview with the biggest bounce in my step. This was the first part of my dream turning into a reality. You met with me. You asked me some questions and I was very open with you about my background and that it would be a struggle to actually make it to Israel. You smiled at me and told me that you wanted me to be part of your seminary. You told me that rarely does a girl get an acceptance by Her interview. But you wanted me to start working on all possible scholarships so that I would be able to achieve my dream of joining your institution.
I worked harder than I’ve ever done that year. I applied to every possible financial aid- all by myself. My friends raised over 6k to help me get to my goal. My friends father paid for my flight.
And finally the long awaited day of seminary departure arrived. After all my expenses to get there I had $50 on my debit card. But I didn’t care. I was going to Israel. I was going away for a whole year. No one had to know where I came from. I’d be free to be me.

I met my roommates with enthusiasm that quickly dampened. Every attempt to befriend them was shunned. Two of them quickly bonded and snobbishly excluded me from anything they did and the other girl was just an emotional mess that really affected me due to her erratic outbursts and random physical violence.
I tried. I really did. But every effort met a brick wall. I invited them all for shabbosim to my relatives but they all couldn’t make it every time.
Roommates aside, I never had the experience of making friends. Friends just usually happened. I tried so hard to make friends but word about my family got around.
How do I know?
You always pride yourself in taking the cream of the crop girls from chashuv families. Well you had one of those, who’s mother headed an organization that assisted my family. I still can’t comprehend it , but she went ahead of shared lots of personal details with many girls. Maybe she needed that for her confidence, I don’t know. But, I’d walk into a room and it Wld get very silent. And girls would be giving each other eyes. I’d sit on my window seat and hear the mostly False gossip from the room below me. My mother called me to tell me that this girls mother reported back part of these untrue rumors and was asking my mother if they were true!!
I slowly started losing my confidence and spunk.
I gathered up the courage one day to approach you about what I was enduring. And you asked me if switching rooms would help. I thought it could work. Although it wasn’t normally done and would cause more talk about me I wanted to give my quickly fading dream a shot at redemption.
So you asked me which room would work for me and I told you. You told me to approach the girls in that room to ask them if I may join. I did and was told that they couldn’t make it work. I came back to you and you asked me if there was another room I wished to join and you told me to ask them as well. With my vulnerability in check I approached the second group of girls hesitantly and asked to join there room. Once again the answer was a resounding no.
I didn’t bother reporting back to you and you never followed up.
You had a shabbos sing out sheet where each girl had to write her plans and who it was with. You saw me write my Same lonely plans each week. But never a word.
And over the year I continuously lost my joy of life.
I still had my talents and I did use them and it was my one redeeming factor that gained me some social interaction.
My $50 ran out quick and my good friend from back home sent me money from her maaser and that’s how I survived. All I used it for was busses to my relatives. I probably spent the least anyone has ever spent in seminary.

I was an intellect with a desire to learn but every class boiled down to one lesson. How your husband should sit and learn all day. There was never a lesson on middos. There was never a lesson on giving. It was all one focus.
I once asked a question and the response you gave was that you’re shocked I could have such questions.

Shabbaton were what I called “brag Shabbosim”. At each meal you’d have girls get up and speak about how amazing their mothers/fathers are. It was all about their Torah learning and chessed. Sure enough my bully got up and spoke about her parents organization. I almost threw up. What good is it that your parents are “special” if these are the stuck up self centered kids they raise that think they’re gods gift to humanity.

I left seminary A bit early for a friends wedding and never looked back.

It took me a while to get back to myself. I was head staff in a camp that summer and it blew life back into me. I became a very successful teacher and that blew some more life back into me. But honestly the trauma of my “dream year” has never fully left me.

I still haven’t gotten back the unbridled confidence of the me of old. I still have massive social anxiety and am hesitant with new friendships. And I still cross the street when I see some of the girls that inflicted such pain upon me.
It’s been over a decade but it’s still fresh. And yes therapy has helped. Yes I’m successful today. I have an amazing marriage. My husband does very well And keeps learning sedarim religiously. We give a lot of tzedaka. My kids are happy healthy and have their needs met. But the pain of my dream year still surfaces every so often.

In retrospect, I should have never even applied to your institution. It wasn’t a home for a girl like me.
I’m begging you, please don’t take any more girls like me unless you drastically change the whole hostile elitist environment that you created. Don’t accept girls that have less than perfect homes because they’re coming for stability and you’ll only drive them further. Please preach love and respect and forget about what their husbands need to do and be.
Please educate future generations of kindness and warmth and if that can’t happen, please close your doors.
Sincerely
An alumni

daagahminayin

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:34 pm

I’m so sorry for what you went through! How awful, and especially since you wanted that special year in seminary so badly. I’m so happy to hear that your terrible experience didn’t hold you back from a wonderful life. You are probably much happier and more balanced than the girls who bullied and shunned you. I wish you peace and healing as you continue your growthful journey.

Notsobusy

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:35 pm

I'm so, so sorry. This was so sad to read, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to live through it. I'm tearing up just reading this.

I'm so happy that things turned out well for you.

amother

Peach

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:36 pm

Why don’t you call the seminary directly and tell the principal? She should know and change.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:49 pm

OP, your post made me cry. I'm usually a lurker here and rarely comment, but this time I had to. I am so sorry you went through such a traumatic year. It is unacceptable that a top frum institution should so strongly lack ahavas yisroel, the foundation of being a Torah jew. Please everyone here on imamother, I beg you, teach your children to love every single jew, regardless of background (or masked or non-masked.) We are all brothers and sisters, with the same Father. Take OP's pain and use it as a lesson to spread ahava!

OP, I am so glad you are doing well now, after all l you went through you deserve it and so much more! May Hashem bless you with only brachos and a life filled with love!

amother

Lavender

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:58 pm

I said this publicly lots of times. There is a special place in H*ll for some of our chashuva teachers and principals.
They talk about being trained to see the whole person and they teach all these wonderful middot they give over to the girls.
BUT there are many young women like you who were so hurt by schools. Principals and other students.
I Agree with the poster above we must change the way we teach our children to accept everyone regardless of the background they come from.

NotLazySusan

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 11:59 pm

So sorry, that’s awful!
But it’s strangely comforting to hear that as a girl from a dysfunctional home, a year in seminary may not have been what I dreamed of.

I didn’t get those summers away from the h*ll that was my home - wasn’t allowed to go to camp. Or seminary. I always imagined it would have been a haven of safety and security. Now I see that it could have been terrible.

amother

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 12:03 am

Your responses bought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Yes it was a terrible experience. I did grow a lot from it. I now include everyone I can in friendship situations so that no one needs to experience the pain I went through.
I wish I can go back and hug the younger me and show her a glimpse of how good it’ll get. All those nights I went to sleep hungry Bec I had no money ... all those times I didn’t go exploring Bec I had no money. I wish I could have showed myself my beautiful custom kitchen today. And albums of vacations. But most of all my working husband who is so machshiv Torah. And all the people we now help. And a little immature bit of me also wants to show myself that two of my roommates are now divorced and I am happily married ...

Thank you for reading my whole post. It was long. If any of you are sending your kids to seminary, please tell them to look out for the girls who are struggling...

amother

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 12:12 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Why don’t you call the seminary directly and tell the principal? She should know and change.

A) I wouldn’t have the courage
B) highly unlikely to change anything
C) she’s secure in her “top” name

amother

Wheat

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 12:13 am

I'm so sorry to hear how you were treated. That's inexcusable. I'm sending a hug to you now, and to the girl you were back then.

I agree that it would be worthwhile to contact the seminary principal directly. The blame has to be shared, though. The woman who ran the chessed organization had no right to talk to her daughter about you, and the daughter had no right to share personal information with the other girls. I'm outraged by their behavior.

It might be worth telling this woman that she had no business sharing confidential information. She'll probably deny it and try to make you feel small for bringing this up, as though it's your fault for being hurt. Don't back down. Stand your ground. And if she has supervisors at this organization, you can go to them as well. There are good people out there who genuinely help others. And there are ego-driven types who like the power trip. They shouldn't be in the business of helping.

BH Yom Yom

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 12:19 am

Wow OP. I’m so sorry for what you went through. But I am so inspired by how positive you are and how you didn’t let the trauma of the past limit who you are today. Chizki v’amtzi!

amother

Peach

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 1:05 am

I’m the amother who suggested calling the principal.
I still think you should. I think that even though her seminary is still on top, she should feel bad and change. You might actually make a difference.
I think you should call all the teachers as well. Let them all sweat. Let them feel bad and not do it to anyone else.
Btw, I b”h never went through anything like that. I was always the one on top of the food chain. But I’d like to think I was always nice and looked out for everyone. The type of holier then thou attitude really bothers me.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 1:27 am

I have a young friend in the same position, is seminary, in israel, and she has been thru much worse as far as admin is concerned. She is no caring parents, no warm home, no love, no money.
She did well in High School and had hopes Isreal would be a wonderful year.

Anyone who want to help her?

$ for a therapist in isreal, shabbos invites to a happy warm home, (I would check references first)...

Life can be challanging...

OP, I dont think you should call principal. She probably wont change. you can print your post and mail it annon. maybe maybe...

and focus on finding girls who are in a similar life point, maybe you can be their light?

Chizki V imtzi!

Bitachon123

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 1:34 am

Wow! Thank you for sharing such a painful experience, yet so honest and beautifully written. That's so terrible what you went through, how desperate you were to go to seminary and how shallow and hurtful the girls could be. And shocking that the seminary didn't do more to help you and promote a healthier atmosphere!

I bH had an amazing year in seminary, but still can't help but agree that some seminaries really are just there to make money, and of course promote full time kollel!! I'm so sorry for your experience!

I have to say how impressed I am with your self awareness, confidence, and ability to process and share your experiences. You sound very resiltant and emotionally healthy, and it's inspiring to hear how you kept positive and grew from your challenges. Your wisdom, empathy, and maturity are no doubt richer from everything you had to go through. I personally learnt from an early age that life is far from perfect, and I feel this perspective has served me very well.

Wishing you continued growth, positivity and success! Keep up your awesome attitude, I wish there were more people like you!! And I hope your post makes it to the seminary principles somehow!!

DVOM

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 7:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My high school principal (Zlara Press) always used to say that high school popularity is a very poor predictor of lifelong success. I'd say the same is true for seminary.

I wish you'd send your post to your seminary principal. You have a very important message to share.

Your post brought up such strong feelings in me. I have a child who is sweet, gentle, and sensitive. It's really hard for him to cope with tougher kids. He has wonderful friends, but there are two boys in his class who are really mean to him at times. We've done a lot of work with our son, and he has gotten very good at ignoring, getting help, deflecting... but I know it impacts him. The school has been helpful, to a point.

I sometimes look at those kids and their moms at school functions. They're both from very wealthy, well connected families. The moms look perfect, gorgeous. These two boys are smart, athletic, popular, handsome. But they're mean. The moms and the kids. I get a sense of superiority from the moms, a feeling of less-than. And those smart, athletic, popular, handsome boys see a weakness, a softness, in my son and exploit it every chance they get. I have no idea what these kids futures hold, but I remind myself that my son is kind, treats others well, is thoughtful and sensitive. My son is the kid who befriends the new boys in class, includes everyone who wants to be included in his games, has no snobbery to him, will play with anyone who is nice. He knows that he is loved and valued by our family, and in turn gives love freely and sees what to value in almost everyone.

I hope his future is as bright has yours has become.

DVOM

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 7:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A) I wouldn’t have the courage
B) highly unlikely to change anything
C) she’s secure in her “top” name

Maybe send it anonymously. You can't control weather or not she'll internalize what you say, but at least you'll have said it. At the very least, maybe someone will keep an eye on that sign up sheet and check in with kids who seem to be isolating.

amother

Natural

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 7:41 am

While it is assur to take nekama the best "revenge" as well as healing is to live a wonderful life well lived which you are B"H.
What goes around comes around.
Unless you want to contact the principal etc and think you would find it empowering to let her know how your life has turned out despite that year I would leave the past where it belongs in the past and keep your focus on continuing to build a great life full of nachas, joy, health, and happiness.
You can pay it forward helping others.
Inspiring how you rose above your circumstances and how you took such a painful situation and chose to use it to grow further.
While not the same some of my kids experienced horrid year(s) at some schools/camps; B"H B"H they have all grown to be amazing adults married with wonderful children and sometimes I do have a fantasy of contacting certain mechanochos to make sure they know how successful in every way are my kids. I would not do so and place my trust in Hashem that the news has reached them. My very successful children also would never give their tzedaka to these places and are happy to give elsewhere. We keep our eyes on the present and the future.
Abundant brochos.

shirachadasha

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 7:49 am

OP,
Can you contact your local HS principals or teachers and offer to be a mentor to girls who are from homes like the one you came from?
This could be beneficial for the HS girls and possibly cathartic for you.

amother

Plum

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 8:02 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I try to do the same, for the same reasons, but I had to learn that people do not always show solidarity... When I was in a jewish student home, we had a girl with serious psychological problems. I tried to include her, but it always had the same end: people sat chatting in my room, girl came in, I invited her in, after a few minutes my room was empty, I was alone with this girl...

It took me 20 more years to consciously opt for the person with the problems even if it meant that all the others would defect...

it actually had some positive ramifications, because if I chose my guests according to their compatibility with the more difficult guest, I could have nice people around my table...

amother

Fri, Oct 09 2020, 11:52 am

Bitachon123 wrote:

Thank you for your kind words.