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Beyond Devastated - Dentures for a young teen [long]
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:09 pm
I try so hard
and fail.
meaning
I chose to remain married to a man with adhd / dsthymic disorder
[complicated difficult choice]
And my life isn't easy to put it mildly
[I won't bore you with the details]
Now one of my kids [who also has adhd and anxiety]
needs dentures
I know. Nuts!
I simply allowed him to neglect his teeth
[well not simply but I was so busy with all his other issues
that I neglected to realize that he doesn't brush and keeps taking sugar cubes from shul]
He never behaved at the dentist
I was suppposed to have work done at the start of Corona
and than everything closed
now when I finally got an appointment the dentist tells me
'we cannot save his four front top teeth'
he will wear dentures and than we'll do an implant for $20,000
Any strength I had left is gone
I have no energy to deal with this embarrassment and with this reality
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:13 pm
Why were his front teeth so affected? Usually its back teeth. Hugs, op.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:14 pm
I don't know
All I know is that I feel like a HUUUUUGE failure
and I can't shake it
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:15 pm
and it doesn't help that I don't exactly have $20,000 lying around for implants
I barely make ends meet
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:15 pm
I think you should be more worried about raising the 20k than about the implants. Many of my friends and family have implants. The new ones are much better than what people got in the past. In the past it was veneers that cracked when you bit into something. Today’s implants are nice and sturdy, and he will have nice colored teeth to boot. And also, he’s not a girl ... so don’t even make him feel bad. However, you need to start working a little harder for your other kids. Also, can they get fluoride when you take them to the dentist? Do they drink water that has fluoride (NYC)? Can you ask everyone to rinse with Scope?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:16 pm
Banging head
I can't calm down
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:20 pm
B'h none of my older or younger kids have this issue
Everyone has normal teeth normal behaviors
[I mean not angelic but you know]
I probably shouldve gotten him an electric toothbrush
I dunno
I do know
I work
I run the home
I try to keep the fort down
and there was bound to be a fallout
it just feels awful
like I'm the worst most neglectful parent in the universe
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:21 pm
Please. My best friend had a bridge for her front teeth (like dentures). My next door neighbor who is very successful has an implant in her front tooth - it’s the old kind so it leaves a black mark around the top. Hasn’t affected her at all - she’s wildly successful with an amazing family. My other friend has only one front tooth in the middle instead of 2 - married a millionaire ...
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:22 pm
Find another dentist. implants shouldn't cost $5000 a pop. $2500, yes, but not $5000 per tooth.

try a dental school. their fees are often less than private practices. they do take a long time because every step of the procedure is reviewed by a professor, but the monetary savings is worth it.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:22 pm
Pleeeeease do not blame yourself! Bad teeth are part of a persons dna. I brush and floss religiously and constantly have cavities, and my husband rarely ever brushes (I know, gross) and has never had a cavity in his life.
I would be devastated about needing to spend that amount of money but implants these days are really good. Plus side is you can never get another cavity in those teeth 😆
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:23 pm
Go see another opinion before doing anything drastic!! Go to a dental school if you can't afford to get a 2nd opinion but it's necessary!
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:24 pm
Take a deep breath. Everyone is meant to travel their own journey in life, including your son. This was part of his peckela. Help him, support him, but otherwise try to take a step back and stop beating yourself up. I am not speaking from a high and mighty place but from my own experiences.

I know it's hard to stop the panic Hug
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amother




Bisque
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:25 pm
It doesn't sound like you were neglectful. It sounds like he has bad tooth genes. I am not sure how it's possible to lose four teeth over sugar cubes and not brushing.
I, for example happen not to be so good with tooth brushing (yes....I know) and dh brushes at LEAST twice a day many times more. He also flosses at least twice a day. I floss once. Bh I have never had a root canal. I had many cavities but they seem to stay small and not grow. Dh feels his cavities and will have a big cavity each time and hady had many root canals as well as an implant.
Some of my kids have better teeth than others, two have have baby root canals and they are little (under 8)

Do t make him feel bad about it and do t feel bad about it either. It's a ton of money though....
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:26 pm
You people can't imagine what I went through to get a dentist
who would agree to do all the work he needs done
under anesthesia

It was the pits - literally
partly due to Covid - so many places shut or have less dentists

He is the kind of kid that RAN out of the BUILDING just as soon as he saw the dentist
Raise your hand if you have seen this
[bet you you haven't]
we're not talking regular dental fear
we're talking completely illogical anxiety

It took months of therapy and what not to get the kid to sit in the chair have xrays done

Doctor won't do implants before age 18 - wants him to wear dentures until then
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:27 pm
Make sure he doesn’t sense your hysteria. Iyh you will find somewhere more reasonable to do the implants and they will look great and you and him together will commit to take care of them well.

My husband had a similar story growing up but his implants looks great bh.
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I try so hard
and fail.
meaning
I chose to remain married to a man with adhd / dsthymic disorder
[complicated difficult choice]
And my life isn't easy to put it mildly
[I won't bore you with the details]
Now one of my kids [who also has adhd and anxiety]
needs dentures
I know. Nuts!
I simply allowed him to neglect his teeth
[well not simply but I was so busy with all his other issues
that I neglected to realize that he doesn't brush and keeps taking sugar cubes from shul]
He never behaved at the dentist
I was suppposed to have work done at the start of Corona
and than everything closed
now when I finally got an appointment the dentist tells me
'we cannot save his four front top teeth'
he will wear dentures and than we'll do an implant for $20,000
Any strength I had left is gone
I have no energy to deal with this embarrassment and with this reality


Hugs! OP, I have a 14 yr old special needs son whose idea of brushing his teeth - if he bothers at all - is sucking on the tooth brush for 12 seconds. Every time I go to the dentist I am told that I need to brush for him or he's going to loose his teeth. Constant cavities. Well very nice idea that I or DH should brush for this 14 year old child, but I'd like the dentist to come spend a day in my house with my family and then say that to my face. Even if I find the time and have any strength left in me, guess what happens when I try to brush his teeth? He clamps down his jaw and refuses to cooperate and that's that. What can I do? But you know what, as sad as I feel about the situation, I don't think I'm a failure. And you aren't either. We cannot control or micro-manage everything our kids do and especially not a teen. Just cannot. So it stinks but this too will pass. Please go into Shabbos with your head up high. You did not fail!
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Fox




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:30 pm
Take a deep breath. This is not a failure on your part, and I highly doubt that poor dental hygiene is the sole cause.

There are many, many things that can affect teeth, including extended antibiotic use, OTC medications, water quality, heredity, and more.

My own teeth were completely destroyed by prolonged antibiotic use as a teenager, and I've had an all-on-four implant for several years.

Focus on ways to get the money for the implants and shop around. Take on some debt if necessary and ask local chesed organizations for money or loans. Treat this as a normal problem with a solution, and your child will learn many valuable lessons about how to deal with challenges.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:33 pm
Anyway you can only move forward from here. Also sometimes all the dental hygiene in the world wont help someone who has genetically "bad" teeth or unhealthy diet that affects teeth. And I dont just mean sugar cubes ... But general junk eating and not enough nutrients.

You can help him moving forward. encourage him to brush and wash and keep himself in good shape. And you must do a little more research for the implants.

It's going to be ok. Chasdei Hashem he's healthy.
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Goldie613




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:35 pm
I don't know where you are, but there are hospitals that have dentists as part of their facilities and they can knock kids out to do the work that's needed. Might be an option for a second opinion or to see about different payment options.

Try LIJ if you're in NY - a doctor's office I use recommends them to parents of special needs kids who need more medication to keep calm during dental procedures.

Sorry you are dealing with this Hug

ETA website = https://www.northwell.edu/dental-medicine


Last edited by Goldie613 on Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Oct 16 2020, 3:35 pm
ok. I'm starting to regain my breathing here. maybe.
[not my self-esteem yet though]
thanks ladies
dunno if I'd still be normal without the ability to share my vulnerability
now and other times
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