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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Oct 21 2020, 6:36 am
Would you walk your children to the chuppah if your marriage was challenging? (what is the impact of this?)
If you would prefer another couple do it, wouldn't it be very conspicuous to everyone (ie. hanging out your dirty laundry)?
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groovy1224
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 6:38 am
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Why wouldn't I? If we are both the parents of said child, what does the state of our marriage have to do with walking him/her down the aisle?
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amother
Brunette
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 6:52 am
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I've seen divorced couples walk their children down together.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:18 am
I know people who had challenging marriages, and none of them didn't walk their child down to the chuppah. What does one have to do with the other?
The wedding is not about your life or your marriage.
The wedding is about your child, and your child wanting both parents with him/her at the most important time of his/her life. It's about being there for your child. It's about supporting him/her and giving encouragement at the moment when they are staring out anew. And it's about letting him/her feel as normal and stable as possible at their simcha.
And yes, no need to hang out your dirty laundry during your child's Simcha.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:27 am
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I thought the couple who walks them down has some influence on their marriage...perhaps it's a spiritual thing and maybe also linked to the reason that divorcees do not walk them?
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heidi
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:33 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I thought the couple who walks them down has some influence on their marriage...perhaps it's a spiritual thing and maybe also linked to the reason that divorcees do not walk them? |
Nope
DH's crazy and divorced parents walked him down the aisle.
He's BH a great husband and father.
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amother
Rose
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:35 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I thought the couple who walks them down has some influence on their marriage...perhaps it's a spiritual thing and maybe also linked to the reason that divorcees do not walk them? |
We're Chabad. I learned that the people walking the couple down to the chuppa need to be married couples. If one side is divorced then there should be a married couple walking down instead of them, and the divorced parents can join that couple.
In Chabad it's usually the two mothers walk the kallah down and the two fathers walk the chassan down, so in the case of a divorce it would be the married mother holds one arm, the married woman chosen to take the divorced mother's spot takes the kallah's other arm, and the divorced mother holds that woman's arm. A row of four women instead of three. And the same for the chassan - the divorced father walks next to the married man holding his son's arm.
I've never actually seen this done, but I don't think I've been to a Chabad wedding where either set of parents was divorced.
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amother
Azure
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:36 am
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I believe it's a chassidish thing
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Chayalle
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:44 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I thought the couple who walks them down has some influence on their marriage...perhaps it's a spiritual thing and maybe also linked to the reason that divorcees do not walk them? |
If that were true, we'd have reference checking for the people walking us down to the chuppah. And perhaps having the Rav and Rebbetzin (assuming they have a good marriage, and even a superior one) walking down all the couples in place of the parents.
And I would definitely feel that the feelings of the chassan/kallah are very important, and having their parents would add to their Simcha and start them off on the right foot, which can definitely influence a marriage for the better.
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amother
Cerise
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:44 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I thought the couple who walks them down has some influence on their marriage...perhaps it's a spiritual thing and maybe also linked to the reason that divorcees do not walk them? |
How does that explain the chuppahs where both mother walk down the kallah and both fathers walk down the chosson?
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amother
Amethyst
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:51 am
The act of walking a dc to the chuppah is all about being that dc parent; it has nothing to do with, and is not an indication of, the parents' relationship to each other. If you and dh or ex-dh both love and are beloved by your dc, and s/he want you both to walk him or her down, that's what you do. It's about the person getting married, not about you.
If you happen to be chassidish or kabbalistic and you believe that for whatever reason the chosson or kallah must be escorted by a married couple, well, that's your issue. Hopefully your dc feels the same way, because if s/he believes as above, you're going to have a fight on your hands, esp. if s/he doesn't get along with you or your new husband.
One would hope that an estranged couple could manage to be civil and cooperate for the half hour or so that it takes to escort their child to the chuppah and see her married.
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zaq
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 8:03 am
| amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | | How does that explain the chuppahs where both mother walk down the kallah and both fathers walk down the chosson? |
It doesn't. It's just a different minhag. Who knows? Maybe that was devised to eliminate the problem of 'airing dirty laundry.' Maybe it's a (not so very) logical extension of other extreme gender-separation practices, or a construct invented to avoid embarrassing the kallah if it happens to be a chuppas niddah.
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essie14
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 8:44 am
| heidi wrote: | Nope
DH's crazy and divorced parents walked him down the aisle.
He's BH a great husband and father. |
Yup. I've been to many weddings where divorced parents walked their kids down the aisle together. The bride and groom want their parents, not some strangers, walking them.
Never heard of a married couple not walking their child, it would be very strange.
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amother
Navy
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 9:39 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Would you walk your children to the chuppah if your marriage was challenging? (what is the impact of this?)
If you would prefer another couple do it, wouldn't it be very conspicuous to everyone (ie. hanging out your dirty laundry)? |
It’s not done. Having another couple walking your child to the chuppa because your marriage is not great would be a great source of embarrassment both to you and your child.
Having a good marriage is not a criteria to walking to the chuppa. Being married is.
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miami85
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 9:54 am
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I've never heard it that it has to be a "married couple" considering the original shushvin were angels--not sure how that would translate. My husband lost his mother and I lost my father and our parent+sibling walked us down.
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singleagain
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 9:56 am
| miami85 wrote: | | I've never heard it that it has to be a "married couple" considering the original shushvin were angels--not sure how that would translate. My husband lost his mother and I lost my father and our parent+sibling walked us down. |
I know someone who lost a parent. And only the remaining parents walked the child down. Alone.
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Frenchfry
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:00 am
| zaq wrote: | | It doesn't. It's just a different minhag. Who knows? Maybe that was devised to eliminate the problem of 'airing dirty laundry.' Maybe it's a (not so very) logical extension of other extreme gender-separation practices, or a construct invented to avoid embarrassing the kallah if it happens to be a chuppas niddah. |
I've heard of both minhagim, but why would a chupas niddah have any bearing on having one's father walk her down?
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fleetwood
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:03 am
| miami85 wrote: | | I've never heard it that it has to be a "married couple" considering the original shushvin were angels--not sure how that would translate. My husband lost his mother and I lost my father and our parent+sibling walked us down. |
Me too. My mom and grandfather walked me down. I would never have allowed anyone else!
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amother
Brunette
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:05 am
It is minhag yerushalayim to have both mothers walk the kallah down and both fathers walk the chosson.
My parents weren't happy about that so we did - the parents walked each until the isle of the chuppah, then it switched to mothers and fathers.
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Elfrida
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Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:14 am
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I know one woman who had lost her father. Her mother, the mother's second husband (of ten years, thus pretty involved in the kallah's upbringing), and the father's parents all walked her to the chuppah together.
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