S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp

lilies

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:07 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

The difference is that the illness was not something the parents had a choice about. How they handled it certainly was.

Children understand that their parents don't want such an illness, and also that their parents are choosing to send them out. If there is anyways uncertainty and stress then at least it shouldn't be added to with additional trauma.

Yes, parents are teaching that they are human and they need to rest, sleep or recharge. It's not a personal issue with the child but a result of them not being robots. That's a very healthy message for a child to learn.

lilies

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:12 pm

keym wrote:

I hear. Could be, though like I said, the therapists I've consulted with over the years disagree

Just let me put out there that many specialists and behavioral experts consider the birth of a sibling a life altering circumstance that has the potential to be traumatizing.
It's recommended not to toilet train shortly before a baby, and many children regress (toileting, sleeping, thumb sucking) after the Mom has a baby.

With the potential of trauma there, I just put forth that we attempt to encourage kids to be able to stay at home, with hired help, support, etc. Just minimize potential trauma.

I wonder if these therapists were viewing it through your experiences, triggers and personal choices vs an objective overall approach.

You last comment of potential of trauma, I'm curious if they've also mentioned the ability to create a non-traumatic separation? The positive result of the reaction (repair) to the inevitable ruptures through life?

lilies

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:17 pm

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

OK, but you always need to weigh cost-benefit. Is your benefit from being away from the kids bigger than the trauma a non-verbal kid might experience when you disappear for a week or two?

Leaving all your toddlers for a week is not a must for a healthy marriage, at least under normal circumstances (not talking about extreme cases).

Yes, the cost-benefit does need to be evaluated and that's an individual decision. It's not something anyone else can pass judgement on unless they're privy to everything going on in another person's life.

And again, it's not trauma by default. There's potential for trauma, as there are in a thousand other areas, and it's one that a kid can be prepared for.

Under normal circumstances, I would say leaving a toddler for a few days is a very healthy step to do in marriage, and the risk is minimal when said toddler is prepared, and placed in a loving familiar place.

keym

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:25 pm

lilies wrote:

Yes. We've talked about non-traumatic separation.
I really don't want to talk about how I choose to move forward. That feels too personal.
The point being that during a traumatic experience, one should try to avoid additional traumas. So send the kids to Bubby for vacation when it's a calm time for them personally.
1)Displacing little children, 2) when there's a new baby 3) other stressers possible because babies choose inconvenient times to be born. So the child is teething, or not feeling well, or sleeping fitfully. 4) and Mommy was not her best the past 9 months 5) and possibly forfeiting other things like parents room, crib, stroller, nursing.
Now each of these are "regular traumas" that a child can go through and learn flexibility, or as you called rupture and repair. But possibly throwing too many of these traumas can result in a traumatized kid.
So some are unavoidable. But maybe let's as a society not minimize the trauma and attempt to avoid some of it.
That's all

small bean

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:27 pm

banana123 wrote:

It's different because when parents go on vacation, the children usually come back to the same home and family situation that they left. There is no additional change and upheaval, like there is after a new baby is born.

I wouldn't leave a non-verbal child, or a child under 3, in order to take a vacation, though.

I have gone away leaving kids under 3 by family. It wasn't ttaumatic as far as I can tell for my kids.

Would you think it woukd be better for parents to leave kids our all day and come back to sleep in their house, is that less traumatic?

I personally feel awesome after the baby is born and dont need my kids out. I don't think it's fair to judge others, when I don't feel like they do post baby.

keym

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:29 pm

small bean wrote:

I think the kids should stay home and bubby, tante or hired babysitter stays with them, while parents go on vacation.
This way, they may not have their parents, but at least they have the comforts of their own home, bed, toys.

Blessing1

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:30 pm

keym wrote:

Most Bubby's and aunts have a life of their own and can't just move into the house. Many people send an older child to stay together with the youngest so they have a familiar person around and it's easier on them.

banana123

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:35 pm

small bean wrote:

Yes, I think it is less traumatic for children to go on playdates all day for two weeks but come back home for supper and bed (send supper home with them), than for the children to be sent out.

It's not just about sleeping in your own bed. It's also about the emotional anchor, that at the end of every day you come home and spend time with your parents and have the same bedtime routine, in your home (your safe place).

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:37 pm

This is an interesting conversation.

I really think we should all clarify in our posts what aged child we are discussing, because it makes the conversation more on-target and meaningful.

I don't think anyone believes that a child over, let's say, aged 4, who can talk and ask and understand, will be traumatized by a weeks stay at a known, well-loved relative.

In fact, they will probably enjoy themselves, and have great memories from that time.
I don't believe the child would feel abandoned or traumatized (unless maybe they specifically requested not to go away, and were forced to?)

The current discussion relates to a child who cannot fully understand what is going on, or why he is being sent away, or where mommy is, and when he will go home.

Even if he is going to his familiar relatives, it may cause trauma, not because he is staying in another house, but because he is confused and not fully able to express himself and his questions, nor fully understand the circumstances and change to his routine.

Feel free to disagree.

Blessing1

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:38 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

This can also be said if the child is home with the mother and a new baby.

small bean

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:44 pm

keym wrote:

Not practical for most people.

My bigger kids beg for my husband and I to go away together. They have good memories of going to cousins while we vacationed. We haven't done it in abunch of years, because we started to vacation on our own and family vacation.

lilies

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:47 pm

keym wrote:

I don't recall asking how you chose to move forward, or anything personal What

Yes, we should definitely try not to pile stressful things on top of each other, but ruptures are part of life. You can choose to avoid this rupture, and deal with circumstances in any way you see fit. Others choose not to avoid this rupture.
You're also breaking things down into many parts. Similar to saying - one should choose not to move due to 1) New home 2) New school 3) New neighbors 4) New bed. It's really one issue comprised of many parts. Of course, if you can move within your neighborhood and minimize the stress, great! But that doesn't work for many many people, and the stress and the potential traumatic-ripe scenario is not a good enough reason to avoid something that will hopefully be beneficial in the long run.
It's a cost-benefit analysis.

Yes, I agree that we should try to minimize the trauma and avoid unnecessary ones, within reason. In this thread, many women feel that post-birth it's necessary to send a toddler away for a bit, so mom can recuperate properly in order to be a healthy mom to this same toddler. I believe that's a legitimate reason. If you can avoid it and figure out a way to recuperate without that, great! Many people can't.

I'll add to your last comment, I think awareness of trauma and knowledge of how to prevent it, as well as how to heal relationship ruptures is the goal, more than avoidance. Traumatic scenarios are inevitable.

keym

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:56 pm

lilies wrote:

Trauma is due to the inability to process what's happening, not due to being away from home.

Let's say that's true.
Are there people helping all these babies and toddlers process what's happening, or is it like I'm reading. The kids are fine. I did it my cousins did it. We're all fine.

Because maybe kids aren't fine, but don't know how to express it because that's just what's done.

Maybe adults aren't fine, and never processed the abandonment, but are being told that the trauma isn't real because everyone else does it.