I dunno if I should quit or not

amother

Ecru

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 5:55 pm

I am in such a similar situation right now- not detail wise but I am miserable at my job, I have breakdowns at least 3 times a week and was leaning towards starting on antidepressants. Everyone has been telling me it is NOT a mitzvah to stay in a situation that is harmful to your health. It is NOT bitachon to say I was put here for a reason and I need to believe that I can do this. Bitachon is saying, this situation isnt working for me and I know Hashem can provide for me in other ways. I need to walk away believing that Hashem will provide. Wishing you the strength to do what you need to do. Wishing the same for myself. Hatzlacha.

Boca00

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 7:34 pm

This is so awful. I'm so sad to read what you're going through.

Please please can you go back to your Rav and tell him how miserable you are, how you are on meds just to survive the job? I cannot imagine he would think you should stay on at this point.

In the long run, your husband and baby will be happier when you are happier. You should not be staying in this toxic environment more than the 2 weeks notice you need to give. (And if you can't bring yourself to do that yet, at least start looking seriously for another job meanwhile!)

You sound like a talented and hardworking employee. IyH you will find another job, or your husband will.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 8:04 pm

I was in a similar situation and B"H I got out in time and now the prior company is having hardships due to corona and I was lucky I got out when I did and found a much better job. If a job makes you sick it's time to leave, you don't have to stay you don't own the company it's not your problem it's their problem you don't owe them anything. If your worried about the next person leave a bad review on Glass door the next person will see it or on Google or tell the boss when you leave that he needs to have his wife step down as it's not okay to bully people. This is called bullying. There are plenty of jobs out there I see people posting jobs all day. You will find something bigger and better and better paying! go out there and look there are tons of opportunities. Or start your own company you can do it!

amother

Teal

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 8:14 pm

You keep saying “my boss’s wife”, does this woman even have an official position with the company? If you’re ready to leave there’s no harm in trying an ultimatum first, tell your boss IN PERSON in no uncertain terms that you will only remain working there if you can only deal with him as your boss and have no further contact from his wife. It’s awkward because she’s his wife but it sounds like he already is aware you have major issues with her anyway.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 8:29 pm

Been there done that...
There is only one solution, YOU MUST LEAVE ASAP!
I was working in a toxic environment as my boss was constantly picking on me, she mistreated me, she was rude and abusive! at a point where I didn't even know I was being abused, I kept on pushing bc I otherwise loved my work, that was until I reached a breaking point. at that time I got an offer up and I just left. looking back now, I can't see what I kept pushing for? I was an emotional wreck! a newly wedded unhappy wife! I shouldn't have waited another half a second!

amother

Sienna

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 8:31 pm

I had a similar situation when I was a young couple with 1 baby.

I went to the mikveh on a Friday night and Chas veshalom wanted to drown myself in the mikveh because my job was so bad!

I quit the following Monday with no job lined up.

I quickly found a much better job and am making so much more money.

Now it’s 13 years later and B”H I am in a great financial situation - which I would not have been in had I stayed. We bought a house and had more kids B”H.

It’s the only time I ever quit a job with nothing lined up ... but it was worth it for my sanity.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 12:34 am

OP, its easy for us to say quit and run, but hard for you to do with nothing lined up.
Can you do the following while looking for something else? Good jobs are hard to come by.
I have a feeling he'll agree to the following requirements, being that you say he's running after you.

1. From home or your own office at a different location that she has no access to.
2. Change passwords and she gets no access to your emails.
3. Her emails go directly to spam.
4. Her number is blocked from your phone.
5. She cannot give you any direction or have any interaction with you.

amother

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 12:48 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I so wish I could do this
She comes to the practice whenever she wants. Came yesterday. Didn't wear a mask. I was so uncomfortable. Everyone else wears masks as we are trying to be so careful.
She calls the practice whenever she wants to talk to her husband. Even if he's busy. Everything is so important
Everything is an emergency.
I can't work from home. It's not that type of a job.

If I tell him those agreements, that evening I'll get an email from "him" saying if I have a problem I should talk to her and how amazing she is blablabla. All written by her. ( He doesn't even know what she is writing half the time)

I think everyone is right. On motzei shabbos, I'm gonna add to my CV and start looking again. ( Sigh) but I have no choice. My mental health is at stake. My child and husband are suffering.

DrMom

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 12:52 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

You keep saying “my boss’s wife”, does this woman even have an official position with the company?

That's what I'm stuck on. So weird.

OP, all of what you described is so dysfunctional that there is no way for you to fix it. This couple needs some sort of marriage therapy, and that is beyond your sphere of influence.

Decide that you will leave and build an exit strategy. Look for another job. Knowing that you are leaving will help you tolerate the mishugas in your office for the time that you remain.

Good luck.

imorethanamother

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 12:55 am

Hi, OP!

Totally know what you're going through. I had the boss's wife call me in for not clocking out at this exact time and getting a few minutes of overtime. (minutes!) Meanwhile, if I was six minutes late to work, they would dock my pay 15 minutes. She also screamed - yes, screamed - at me once because she wanted me to log my time in and outs on a separate binder. I pointed out, loudly, that no other man at this company was obligated to do such a thing.

I then documented the whole exchange to my boss, using words like "unfair discrimination" and "harassment". It worked, in the sense that I was apologized to, but nothing really changed. But I felt better because now I had documented proof, and leverage.

Use email as your medium. Let them see that your exchanges are being CC-ed to a private email address, which is your own. State your problems clearly, and use words like the ones above, and you can include the buzzwords "toxic work environment" as well. Now you know that you have cause to sue for wrongful termination, and they will realize you know that too.

It might be enough to make her back off. It might not. For me, it worked temporarily. Based on the way you sound in your posts, you're the type never to sue. They must know that, which doesn't work in your favor. You sound really sympathetic to your boss, but to be honest, you're enabling him. It's his problem to create a decent work environment, and it's not your responsibility to worry about his marriage.

Take the money and get therapy. If he can't be bothered to fire his wife, and he makes you bear the brunt of his ineptitude, then take what you can get. As I've told other posters:

Repeat after me:
I don't own the company. This isn't my problem. This isn't my marriage.

In the meantime, at the job I mentioned above I looked for other work desperately. I davened. Hashem sent me something, because I couldn't afford to quit until I had something else lined up. Daven and hope for the best. And in the meantime, TAKE EVERYTHING HE IS OFFERING AND MORE. And protect yourself. The more you document, the more you protect yourself from this woman who sounds quite unstable and vindictive.

Good luck.

amother

Dodgerblue

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 11:24 am

I would say leave, but first line up a new job, especially because the job market is bad now. You shouldn't quit and then not find a new job for months and then that will be a real financial issue.

My husband had a horrible boss that made him miserable. It affected our shalom bayis in that he'd come home grumpy from work. He never did anything to me in a bad way, but was not pleasant to be around with a negative attitude all the time. The tension rubbed off and I became short and snappy at my kids. I begged him to quit but he was worried about parnasa. I blessed the day they fired him. He was much happier and got a job 1,000 times better shortly after.

amother

Silver

Fri, Oct 30 2020, 11:50 am

Your husband may be a perfectly nice guy, but he clearly doesn't understand how serious this situation is. If he doesn't have meaningful experience in the working world, then he doesn't understand how a toxic job environment can be dangerous to mental health. And it's a million times worse if you have the stress of being the breadwinner hanging over your head. Maybe he could speak with someone who has a clue in this area. Could be a professional like a therapist or maybe just a layperson who he respects who's been there themselves.

I have also been in a work situation where I was really unhappy. It was much less crazy than yours, but it was stressful and unpleasant. I stayed in it for longer than I should have because I though I could improve it.

Because I wanted a very specific type of job,, I began looking for new positions casually about a year and a half before I left, and very seriously about a year before leaving. My husband, who works and earns a similar amount to me, was extremely supportive, and even said he would support me if I wanted to quit without a new job lined up. But I knew it would be harder to get a good job that paid a similar income, so I stayed.

When I truly made up my mind to leave, I felt better right away. I stopped caring about the opinions of the people who had been stressing me out. I still made sure to do good work, but I did not care about anything else. Things that would have stressed me out previously just rolled off my back.

Since I have been in my new job, I love my life so much more. I'm a better wife and mother and just a happier person. It is truly amazing. Like the boiling frog, I didn't truly realize how bad my situation was because it had developed gradually and there were a lot of positive experiences mixed in with the negative. Now, I have amazing colleagues and a supportive environment where I am learning so much and developing professionally. Looking back now, I only wish I had left earlier or at least made up my mind to leave earlier.

Hatzlacha.

Goldie613

Sun, Nov 01 2020, 2:22 pm

OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this!

Definitely look for something else, even if you can't financially leave right now.

Can you tell us what you are looking for? You never know - one of us might know of something :-)

Beyond that, can you mentally prepare yourself to temporarily deal with her by thinking of her as someone who's ill? As in, she can't help what she says, what she says doesn't matter, etc?

I would also tell your boss that you would rather not receive emails from her. The work-around for that might be that if he emails you, he needs to put a specific word/phrase in the subject line. Let him know that any emails from "his" account that don't have that word/phrase will be ignored and deleted without being opened.

Hug