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Positive parenting- real life scenarios
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:14 pm
Since there's a misunderstanding of how positive or gentle parenting works in real life, it's a good idea to share examples from real life everyday situations.

I'm anonymous because I'm not the point. The point is for people unfamiliar with positive parenting to eventually recognize the benefits and superiority over other parenting methods.

Today my 6 year old had a tantrum because I wouldn't allow her to have a muffin. Ordinarily I do my best to say yes whenever possible and more. When I say no, it's firm. The reason for my no this time is because she has just eaten a chocolate wafer and I'm working on cutting down on her sugar intake. So no had to stay no without reconsidering.
I offered to pack one for her for a school snack tomorrow and she refused. She wanted one now and only now.

She threw herself on the couch and kicked and screamed and cried. I sat next to her and let her cry. She kicked me accidentally once or twice which I ignored- it was an accident. I allowed her to feel the intensity of her emotions, validating them, while she cried.
I did not send her to cry in her room alone, I did not shame her for bad behavior.
I named her emotions once her crying lessened a bit so she can learn what she is feeling. Disappointment. "It's so disappointing when..." Jealousy. "Do you feel jealous if..?" Frustration. "We feel frustrated when..." etc.
After a while I got up to go to the kitchen for a minute, opened the fridge and realized aloud that I had bought kiwis. She loves kiwi. She stopped crying, slid off the couch, and came into the kitchen, curious. I made some joke about putting kiwi in sushi instead of avocado which erased the last of her tension (use of humor). She asked for a whole kiwi sliced which I told her I'll be happy to give her because it's a healthy snack (showing consistency). I gave her and she returned to her happy self.
The rest of the evening till bedtime she was cooperative and good natured.

She was just a tired little girl after holding it all together through the long school day.
Her tantrum was an opportunity to release tension, to learn about her feelings and express them, to strengthen our relationship.
Imagine if I had shown her rejection or disdain for her behavior. We would have lost that opportunity. The next time she would feel like tantrumming she would associate those feelings with shame and rejection.

This is just one example of positive parenting. I'm sure others might have handled it differently but I'm sharing my methods.
Feel free to share your experiences of positive parenting.

PS Debate and nitpicking of details can be done in a spinoff. Let's keep this thread positive.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:15 pm
Are you the fellow anonymous Janet fan bc we should be friends
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amother




Jade
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:20 pm
Isn’t six a bit old for drawn out tantrums, still learning how to name emotions, all of that? Especially if you’ve been practicing positive parenting her entire life.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:21 pm
Can we ask questions here about your example to understand better?
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:21 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
Are you the fellow anonymous Janet fan bc we should be friends


I think that was me. There are a few of us here which is awesome Smile

OP. thank you for that description! I’m currently working on dealing positively with tantrums so it was much appreciated.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:23 pm
How does this teach her to regulate her emotions? If my five year is in a bad mood he knows to excuse himself until he is feeling better and can behave in a manner that is appropriate for company.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:28 pm
Since everyone is asking, I have the same question. I understand this method with 1-2 year old but at 6 they should be able to regulate their emotions to some extent. I work on calming down methods and putting things into perspective at that age. I'm also confused as to why this is considered a positive parenting/ gentle parenting method. I don't mean to debate I just want to understand.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:40 pm
I'm impressed with all these self regulated 6 year olds.

OP, what a great story, and a wonderful job!
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:44 pm
Yay op!

My 1 year old and my 4 year old were playing quietly together. 1 year old bit 4 year old’s shoulder. Instead of screaming or hurting him back, 4 year old got up with his toys, moved to the other side of the room, and said “please don’t bite me. I’m moving away from you now.”
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amother




Oak
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:58 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Yay op!

My 1 year old and my 4 year old were playing quietly together. 1 year old bit 4 year old’s shoulder. Instead of screaming or hurting him back, 4 year old got up with his toys, moved to the other side of the room, and said “please don’t bite me. I’m moving away from you now.”


That's amazing!

Can you explain how you would've dealt with 4 yo screaming and hurting him back though? Or throwing toys around the room in frustration?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:11 pm
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
Isn’t six a bit old for drawn out tantrums, still learning how to name emotions, all of that? Especially if you’ve been practicing positive parenting her entire life.

Not at all. I find it depends on personality. My daughter is very intensely emotional.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:13 pm
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
That's amazing!

Can you explain how you would've dealt with 4 yo screaming and hurting him back though? Or throwing toys around the room in frustration?


I would gently separate them, and then immediately start with validating my 4 year old and pointing out observations. Connect with his emotions in order to be able to logically talk to him.
Here are some running lines I would use throughout the conversation (which would be 4 year old screaming without listening until he starts calming down).
“Ouch! Baby bit you, and that hurt!
You look really upset.
You don’t like when Baby does that, do you? I wouldn’t either like that.
Yknow what? Baby doesn’t know how to play yet. You have all these cool trucks and puzzles that you know how to use, but Baby thinks that his teeth are toys! Are they toys?! Nooooo.
Can we try to use our words instead of our hands?
Baby, please don’t bite!
What can we do to make sure Baby doesn’t do that again? He still doesn’t understand not to bite. Maybe we can play over there where baby can’t reach you.”

I would address the hitting/throwing.
“You do look really upset, but I can’t let you hit. I can help you think of a different way to get Baby to stop. But hitting is not allowed.”

Takes 3 minutes, and everyone walks away calm.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:14 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
How does this teach her to regulate her emotions? If my five year is in a bad mood he knows to excuse himself until he is feeling better and can behave in a manner that is appropriate for company.

She learns that
Emotions are safe
To sit with them and feel them
She has support while she's feeling strong emotions
She can handle strong emotions
Learns to name the emotions from mom's empathy

She takes this with her to adulthood and is strong and able to handle her emotions and others emotions being directed at her. She can deal with adveristy and whatever comes her way.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:15 pm
Fantastic OP! Im a wanna-be you!

another Janet fan!

(Also Hand in Hand Parenting)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:18 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
How does this teach her to regulate her emotions? If my five year is in a bad mood he knows to excuse himself until he is feeling better and can behave in a manner that is appropriate for company.

My daughter is also super sensory. Emotional regulation will come but more important to me right now is recognizing emotions and feeling validated.
I would not want a young child processing emotions on her own. I'm her mother and I'm here for her through it all.
She is the perfect student all day in school. She holds it all in for hours. A healthy child must let it out at some point. At home, with me is a good place for that to happen.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:21 pm
Someone clue me in who Janet is? Laugh

And please share your successful positive parenting stories!
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:27 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
Since everyone is asking, I have the same question. I understand this method with 1-2 year old but at 6 they should be able to regulate their emotions to some extent. I work on calming down methods and putting things into perspective at that age. I'm also confused as to why this is considered a positive parenting/ gentle parenting method. I don't mean to debate I just want to understand.


The less gentle and respectful alternative would be the parent firmly saying "I will not hear you scream about this anymore. Go to your room and come back when you're ready to behave properly." And walk away to make supper. That way the child would be forced to just go through the tantrum on their own and not have the chance to name their emotions. They'd also lose out on the chance to connect to their parent because the parent said they don't want to connect until they are calm.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:30 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
The less gentle and respectful alternative would be the parent firmly saying "I will not hear you scream about this anymore. Go to your room and come back when you're ready to behave properly." And walk away to make supper. That way the child would be forced to just go through the tantrum on their own and not have the chance to name their emotions. They'd also lose out on the chance to connect to their parent because the parent said they don't want to connect until they are calm.


Ok so what would talking them through it be considered? Practicing whatever calm down methods you agreed on and putting things into perspective. Not just letting them tantrum.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:38 pm
Glad it worked out.


So what is the point of saying yes to everything??? What happens when you tell the kid “not now, but we can try doing it tomorrow” or “ I think 2 bowls of cereal is enough”. Will he have a tantrum because he is always told yes?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:44 pm
The other day my toddler woke up cranky after falling asleep when coming home. He stood by the wall screaming and crying. I sat down next to him, looked him in the eye, showing him that I’m there. Dh tried to offer him candy but he wouldn’t take it. After screaming for a good 5-10 minutes he said “mommy I’m not crying anymore”. He took the candy and went on to play happily.
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