Mishpacha This Week- Gown Story

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amother

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 10:49 pm

The gown story in this week's Mishpacha made me want to cry. It was about a group of sisters-in-law who had finally found the perfect, matching gowns for an upcoming wedding when their other sister-in-law decided she wanted to wear something else. Little did they know that it was because she was plus-size and had finally found a gown that she looked and felt great in, even though it didn't match the others.
I'm also plus-size and it's so hard to find things that I look AND feel great in, so I can relate to the feeling. I'm so envious of women who can just throw on anything and look amazing without a second thought, or who can waltz into the store and come out with ten different pieces of clothing that they love.
I don't remember the last time I bought something that I loved. Shopping is a chore and something I avoid at all costs (pun not intended).
Anyone else out there?

amother

Silver

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 10:56 pm

Honestly? My first thought was that the group of sisters in law made this decision without including or even speaking to the sister of the chassan. That was a bad set up to start with.

My second was, let the mother and her daughter match and the sisters in law can match each other and the kids can wear cream. Why does it matter? And yes, I walked this walk at my own wedding. But I know many disagree.

amother

Peach

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:01 pm

I also felt that the sister in laws were not sensitive enough 1) to her size and how it's not so easy for her to find something that suits her 2) her stage of life, she is in shidduchim and there's so much more pressure to look good and the reason you women are not in shidduchim is because you married her brothers!!

amother

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:02 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Totally agree. Why does everybody need to match for "pictures"?

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:11 pm

I really saw both sides of it.

On one hand, the marrieds have less time, and it's hard enough to coordinate so many people for a color scheme, on the other hand the sister is the one who really needs to love how she looks.

It's hard for both sides.

I think that getting teal gowns for some of the younger girls + teal bowties for the boys etc. would be the happiest compromise.

These color schemes are gorgeous but it's a lot of hard work.

amother

Brown

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:42 pm

At my wedding I had no idea about matching or color schemes & yeah my pictures look a bit odd.
However, no one was stressed about what to wear or buy or rent.

When my sil got married, I was heavily pregnant & my mil wanted me in a champagne maternity gown. I said absolutely not.
Gotta learn to speak up for yourself; honestly no one will ever do it for you.

mizle10

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:45 pm

I understood both sides, but no one did anything wrong. Not everything in life will always be pleasant and that doesn’t mean anyone wronged you.

Side note: I also thinking tying in some teal with the kids would be ideal. Teal velvet sashes and hair accessories for the girls, teal bow ties for the boys. Champagne and teal can work. Pink and teal would be a lot harder.

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:47 pm

I'm confused still. Was the plus-sized chosson sisters really their sister in law? Meaning all the other women were married to brothers of the chosson? If so I just think it's quite odd to leave a sister in law out. Married or not how do you forget one in the planning?

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Nov 29 2020, 11:59 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

In my case it would be up to my mother to take care of any unmarried sibs, we wouldn't need to be looking out for her.

LovesHashem

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 12:06 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

In my case it would be up to my mother to take care of any unmarried sibs, we wouldn't need to be looking out for her.

If you all plan on matching thats kinda disgusting. If everyone us wearing different colors okay. But if you plan on coordinating choosing a color and finding gowns without even calling one sister in law is so wrong and mean.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 12:13 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I don't know their situation, but in my situation, we get told the color scheme. My mother drives all the girls from Gemach to Gemach to try on all the gowns they want and pick whatever they'd like.

We married sisters and sisters-in-law hope that someone will see a place with options so that we won't all have to run from place to place, which most of us don't have the time to do. We don't even care if it is terribly flattering we are just hoping to find something that works and doesn't cost a fortune. It's not that we're having a secret discussion to all coordinate and deliberately leaving someone out.

At any wedding I've been to, you aren't expected to wear identical gowns and fabrics, just to wear certain colors.

seeker

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 1:44 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Yes, this was the first time in a while that I really, really saw both sides of the double take. IMHO there is no real answer here except for both sides to be as sympathetic and understanding as they can of the other side. They're just not going to end up with all the gowns matching and they will all have to just be OK with that but with compassion.

And yes, if the mom goes with teal then it will all be good - the sister won't stick out as the only one non-matching, the pictures will look great with some teal and some champagne (I mean obviously they changed the details for teh story, but as written it would have been a lot harder to match teal, they would have all ended up different hues which may or may not have looked good together)

It sounded like the mom did not have the resources to help the daughters-in-law (financial or otherwise - e.g. exerting the effort to find gowns that would work) and the DILs do not have the resources to work this out on their own, so there won't be a resolution.

Yes it was a bad oversight to only pull in the sister after the fact. Doesn't seem that egregious though because their gowns kind of came about serendipitously, as they describe it. Should they have said "wow, this gemach is great and it happens to be right here, affordable, and has what most of us need, too bad it doesn't seem to have anything in SIL's size"? Arguably, that would have been thoughtful and appropriate. Still doesn't feel like much of a stretch to understand. Especially since these SILs have apparently been the adult girls in the family for a while, while the sister seems to have only just come of age, and you get used to the mommy taking care of the kid - it will take a few minutes (understatement) to adjust to considering the former kid one of the gang (youngest sib speaking here.)

But at the same time, it stinks to be the sister right now. Especially with the mom and others sending her judgmental vibes - obviously the mom just wants to help her look good but she's hearing that she doesn't look good enough. It's sad and now she's also anxious about not fitting in with the SILs.

No winner.

twizzlers1

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 1:56 am

I had no color scheme and my wedding in fact both my mom and mother-in-law both we're off way the same color as me.looking back I kind of wonder what they were thinking but at the time it didn't bother me. So I totally don't get the color scheme in each person looks much better in different colors. When my kids get married I hope they don't make people wear the same color dresses at all.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 3:03 am

The problem wasn't really the color scheme- it seems like they would have been fine without one. But once 3 people are matching- having the 4th not matching means she will really stick out.

I felt for Penina. I am married to the only son and this is something that could (and has) happened to me. All the sisters deciding or doing something and then only looping me in after everything is decided.

Its hard to be left out

champion

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:09 am

Non of the parties did anything wrong. Its the expectation that is a problem.
Expecting everybody to dress the same, look the same, have the same body type (for shidduchim...), afford the same stuff etc is wrong.
And I hate when moms backhandedly imply that there is something wrong with their young adult daughters body. It's wrong and damaging on so many levels and NOT EVEN TRUE. I am sure that this young lady with her beautiful blue eyes is pretty in her own way. Hopefully she has dressed herself before and has her own sense of style (as long as her mom has not been pushing her into a corner her whole life...). I am sure one day she can find a man who loves her exactly the way she is. Lechatchila and not Bedieved.
As long as she does not believe her Mom to much and start feeling unworthy of a good guy.

LovesHashem

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:20 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

I don't know their situation, but in my situation, we get told the color scheme. My mother drives all the girls from Gemach to Gemach to try on all the gowns they want and pick whatever they'd like.

In the story there was no set colors. A sister in law found a great set of same color but different gowns at a gemach and called all the sisters in laws to try on except one. They chose and decided and told the gemach lady they are taking them all before they even called single sister in law.

That is disgusting. I don't know anyone who would do such a thing. I don't think the issue was her weight and trying to feel good - how dare all the sister in laws choose and decide on a color without ever even picking up the phone to one of them? They left one out. 3/4 of them all coordinated and spoke and agreed before any picked up the phone to number 4.

LovesHashem

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:23 am

seeker wrote:

Doesn't seem that egregious though because their gowns kind of came about serendipitously, as they describe it. Should they have said "wow, this gemach is great and it happens to be right here, affordable, and has what most of us need, too bad it doesn't seem to have anything in SIL's size"?

They never even ASKED SIL how she feels about the color and if she would want it. She has a day as well. They called her afterwards. I don't care if they found cute things for themselves - maybe SIL hates that color and would terrible on her complexion. Call her before you even GO and ask her what she feels about colors as well.

I do think it was odd SIL made orders also without telling anyone.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:23 am

What gives anyone the right to demand that someone else dress to match them?

amother

Bronze

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:02 am

Doesn’t the kallah usually pick the color? What color are her sisters and mothers wearing?

Not that I’ve ever been to a relatives wedding where I was told a color; it’s more like “wear black or navy or whatever” at DH’s family’s weddings.

And this brings up something else: if the parents of the bride and groom, or the bride and groom themselves, want everyone matching, let them pay for it. I’ve been that poor newlywed, expected to find a beautiful gown and make sheva brachos, and take off work, and it brings so much resentment to the Simcha.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:48 am

I totally agree Penina should have been consulted.

That being said, as the first sister in law, I do resent how much effort and money we are expected to spend for simchas. When we had our first child, we got a few small outfits from children’s place. Nobody else was married . I had my third and a few weeks later SIL had her first. I got no present for my baby and then was asked to chip in over $50 for a present for the new baby. We make a siblings Sheva Bracha’s, and buy siblings wedding gift. We didn’t get any of this.

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