Bad news | Imamother

Geulanow

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 9:54 pm

Not sure this belongs in this forum, but Is there a way to break bad news to people? Like a sickness or accident? What about a death, such as a close friend or relative? Don't need now, b"H but want to know just in case .

PinkFridge

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 7:17 am

There's a terrible, but appropriate joke. Oh, wait. I googled, and here it is:
https://ivanmisner.com/cat-roof-technique/
https://www.researchgate.net/f.....31824

But you know, you have to know the person and individual circumstances. If you're anticipating something, maybe there's someone IRL you know, a mental health professional, rebbetzin, etc. who can give you some personalized insight.

Hatzlacha!

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 7:20 am

There isn't a good way to break bad news.

I remember having to tell DH when my MIL A"H passed away. She was very sick, we should have been prepared, but we totally weren't. Ostriches, all of us.

If possible, prepare for the news that might be.

Hug

Amarante

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 7:37 am

I don't think there is a universal one right way as it is going to depend on who died; the relationship of that person to who you are calling. Most people have extreme difficulty making a phone call to let others know that a spouse, child or parent has died and often that is delegated to someone who is less prostrate with grief.

When my brother died, I made a few calls for my mother to her close friends because she couldn't bring herself to even speak the words. I would then hand the phone to my mother so that she could be comforted by her friend without having had to tell them.

As with anything one would try to act in as tactful and thoughtful a manner as possible considering all of the circumstances.

I think that the most important distinction is whether the person hearing the news is going to be overcome with emotion - e.g. having to tell someone that a parent, spouse or child has died is difficult versus having to tell the news to someone who is less emotionally invested in the relationship.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 7:49 am

Of course there is no experience like having a New York City police officer BELLOW the news that your mother died through the answering machine.

To explain, my mother died in the middle of the night in bed and I still had one of those old fashioned answering machines where you could hear the message if you didn't pick up. Since I was asleep when the call came it went to message and I could hear someone screaming AMARANTE I AM CALLING BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER DIED. CALL YOUR AUNT.

I am sure there was no other way to do it but I can still hear the message.

cbsp

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 8:09 am

Never by text. Please. Especially if it's not imminently expected.

I received "BDE. Zeidy was niftar" during carpool.

Yes, Zeidy had his health issues, but the day before I received a video of him in the pool. Just saying.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 8:11 am

There are people who don't want to be the bearer of bad news so they make you guess. "Something bad happened to so & so."
"What? Is she ok.?"
"Actually, to a family member."
And so on but maybe even more vague. It was torture. My BF DH had died.
I was ready to wring that woman's neck.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 8:25 am

Don’t leave the info in a voicemail or text message only on a phone call or in person. Preface the conversation with ‘I have some bad news’ let the recipient process that line and then come directly to the point.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 8:29 am

agree 100% with blonde
was just going to say that
a one liner prep like "I am so sorry I have to let you know some bad news".
and then right to the point

not text
not VM

b'serois tovois!

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 8:32 am

It's best to do it in person. Over the phone is second best. Say, "I have some very sad news for you."

Let the person sit down, and wait a moment or two. Then just break the news. "I'm so sorry to tell you that this person has died."

Again, wait a few breaths, and give whatever straightforward information you have. "The funeral will be/ we don't know arrangements/ can I come over now to discuss planning the funeral..." Etc.

Hopefully you'll have lots of occasions to share good news too.

ETA, I see another blonde posted something similar while I was writing.

seeker

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 9:20 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

agree 100% with blonde
was just going to say that
a one liner prep like "I am so sorry I have to let you know some bad news".
and then right to the point

not text
not VM

b'serois tovois!

Yes, something like that.

Of course if there's a warning beforehand, it could be gentler to prepare close people for what's coming, so that when the time comes you can just deliver the news as a follow-up.

For sudden news or someone who wasn't privy to the process, yes you say something like "I have something difficult to tell you. Are you in a safe place?"

When my kids' grandmother passed suddenly I called Chai Lifeline for advice. They did say to build up to it (Grandma wasn't feeling well. She was in a lot of pain so she went to the hospital. Her heart stopped. The doctors worked hard to save her...) But I think kids may have different needs than adults. As another poster said, adults would catch on from the first sentence and would be jumping out of their skin hoping for the best while suspecting the worst.

Last edited by seeker on Mon, Dec 07 2020, 9:51 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Oak

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 9:44 am

I grew up with my mom, as my parents were divorced. We only saw my father sporadically. He didn't live locally, most of the time. We got a call to go to his funeral.
He was in the country at the time, and spent two weeks in the hospital, both pieces of info, unbeknownst to us. He even asked to see the kids or at least photos if we can't come. Those messages were not relayed.

Just a funeral. Then shiva.

We were mad, the way it was done.

amother

Lime

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 9:51 am

The death of a loved one hurts and is shocking even if you know it's coming. If you have a chance to prepare someone so they can spend some extra time or even just say goodbye over the phone, then consider that a bracha. Be very gentle and nonjudgemantal. People don't always react in ways you expect.

Some people prefer to use euphemisms and some people need to hear blunt truth. Know whom you are speaking to.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 11:47 am

I had my father call to tell me that my mother's mother passed away.

we knew it was imminent but still. the call went like this..

father: 'I have not such good new for you'

me: 'what happened?'

father: 'you know...'

me: 'what? did something happen to grandma?'

father: 'yes'

me: what??'

he didn't want to say it in words. and I just needed to hear it. in my mind I was thinking 'maybe her condition just got much worse, who said she actually died.

he just left off saying 'we'll call you later with the details {levaya...}

why couldn't he just say it the way it was. I was really mad then and feel like it took longer for me to get over the ordeal when I couldn't' just hear it the way it was...

amother

Lime

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 12:14 pm

It's not easy to be the bearer of bad tidings especially when you're grieving yourself. Saying it out loud makes it real and often we need some time to process the news.

When my brother died we knew he was very ill. He had been deteriorating for days and my parents warned me that it would likely happen over Shabbos. My mother held the phone to his ear on Friday so I could say my goodbyes. All Shabbos long I was a basket case wondering what was going on. I always call my parents immediately after havdala to wish them a shavua tov but that Shabbos I stood there shaking with the phone in my hand afraid to make the call. My parents couldn't get the words out. They just cried and said baruch dayen emes. We cried together and then I had to go tell my husband and children and then asked DH to notify others for me because it was just too much.

amother

Silver

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 1:53 pm

And then you have those people who you don't hear from ever but they know your number when someone dies. If I see their number on the caller ID I run thru a quick list of people who it might be. I have actually blocked their numbers on the phone so they're forced to text me. I would rather read the bad news than hear them say it. They don't know how to give over the news. It's quick and cold and goodbye.

amother

Linen

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 2:19 pm

I think it can sometimes be helpful if someone with more distance tells you. Otherwise, you can feel like you have to comfort the person who just told you. Or their emotions can impair their ability to tell you well.

I got a call an hour before Shabbos from my sister. She had dh get me out of the shower without telling him why and when I got on the phone, just said, "Mom died." And it was sudden. She then told me that since I couldn't get there before Shabbos and she had a lot to do, she had to go, and we'd talk after Shabbos. And then just hung up. I don't blame her- it was crazy there. But I wish someone with more time had made the call.

cbsp

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 2:38 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

I have a relative that DH calls the "grim reaper" for that reason. Especially when they call at 7am.

shanie5

Mon, Dec 07 2020, 7:13 pm

I had gone to the OBGYN for a regular checkup. I was in my 9th month. The Dr. listened for the heartbeat with his stethescope. He moved it around a lot. Then he put it on a monitor so that I could hear what he heard. So I could slowly come to the realization that he couldn't find the heartbeat. He didn't confirm it, but sent me for a sonogram. While the tech was working, he asked why I was sent (this was over 30 years ago an sonograms were not routine in pregnancy). I said "Dr. couldn't hear the heartbeat". The tech responded "what he's not hearing, I'm not seeing".

For me, this was a very gentle way of letting me understand that my baby was no longer alive. I have always appreciated the way they eased me into it.