4 year old misses mommy at school

amother

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 10:21 am

Is it normal for a 4 year old in kindergarten to still miss mommy at school? She cries every day that she doesnt want to go to school because she misses me too much. I have had numerous conversations with her about it. She is not being bullied or anything. She enjoys the activities etc and she seems happy to the teachers most of the time.
I started sending a family picture and a teddy bear in her bag in case she needs it. The teacher said she thinks shes becoming too dependent on it.

Is this age appropriate (even though most kids are okay without it)? should I insist she leave everything at home? That runs the risk of her crying for a long time at school with nothing to help her self soothe.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:04 am

If you send something along, it will just make the separation harder on her. She doesn't need a family picture when she's at school for afew hours.
Does she cry for hours on end or just for a little bit? Is this going on from the beginning of the year?

amother

Pink

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:09 am

My children's preschool has all families send in a family picture and they post each child's family picture above his or her cubby. The daycare where we sent our kids as toddlers also had a family picture binder that kids were allowed to look at anytime. So it seems to me that at least some childcare providers feel that such pictures increase comfort rather than tension.

amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:10 am

I disagree. You should definitely send the picture and item to help self soothe. The more you push and “ force” her to separate the more anxious she will be. I’m concerned that the teacher is advocating for her to leave it at home. I would go down and observe discreetly what’s going on to see why your daughter is crying. Maybe there is something going on that she can’t express. I would also send her for a shortened day like just the mornings. A long school day can be too much for a 4 year old and is very unnecessary unless you need it as a babysitting service.

Signed,
A preschool Morah for many many years

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:13 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

My kids school also has this, a family picture of all kids families hanging on the wall. The kids don't carry it around with them.

amother

Pink

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:21 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

My kids school also has this, a family picture of all kids families hanging on the wall. The kids don't carry it around with them.

OP didn't say her daughter carries it around in her hands all day, and I doubt that's the case.
She said she sends it in her bag. So probably it sits in the daughter's cubby or on a coat hook inside the bag, unless the daughter goes to take it out. I don't see how that's different from hanging up where the child is free to go look at it literally any time, except for when they're outdoors at recess.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:30 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

A picture I agree with, but I think a teddy bear or another attachment item from home is a bit much to send with the child, if the child is carrying it around with them all day. I can see how it can be disruptive to the classroom and all other kids will want to bring items from home.

amother

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:31 am

If she starts crying, it goes on for a very long time. like an hour. Which is why I started sending it. She cries every morning that she doesnt want to go because she misses me. A shorter day isnt possible.

She was holding the picture and the morah asked her to put it away and she got teary eyed. I dont care if she holds it. The morah said she doesnt want her to become "the kid with the bear and picture etc"

amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You really need to observe yourself ( in a discreet way so that your child doesn’t see) to see the dynamic. It really isn’t ok that the teacher isn’t letting her have a family picture. The more secure your child will feel, the smoother the transition will be.
A child who is crying daily this late in the year would be concerning to me as a mother and this is a red flag that something isn’t comfortable for your child in the classroom.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If she holds the bear and the picture all day, that's abnormal & I agree with the morah. Other kids might make fun of her or the rest of the class might decide that they also want to hold things from home all day.
Is she an anxious kid in general? Any behavioral issues? Perhaps she isn't ready for school yet.

amother

Puce

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:38 am

mom! wrote:

If she is truly happy, it might be she is just doing this for attention. Would you consider telling her something like “if you don’t cry tomorrow, on the way home we’ll stop for ice cream.” It might be the answer.

That will force the child to suppress her true emotions for the temptation of the ice cream. Please don’t follow this I’m sure, well intentioned but harmful advice.

Ema of 5

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 11:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My daughter is 4.5. She was having a great year, and then all of a sudden a few weeks ago, she started not wanting to go in carpool. I spoke to her morah (and the other moms) and they all said she’s great, it was just getting j to the car that was hard.
I told her (in front of her morah, so that it would be a collaborative effort, and so morah could praise her, etc) that we were going to make a chart, and she can get a prize at the end of the week when she goes nicely in carpool. I took her to dollar tree, and she picked a bunch of prizes. She got her first prize last week, and yesterday and this morning went well, so I assume she will get her prize this week as well.

keym

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 12:15 pm

It seems the issue with the picture is that it's obvious and noticable to the other kids.
What about putting or pinning something small in her pocket for her to rub. A small pompom or piece of soft fabric. A sticky note sprayed with your perfume. A lipstick kiss on a piece of paper so she can hold and rub your kids.
Something small that can comfort her, yet stay inconspicuous.

amother

Brown

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 12:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You're the parent here. Its not her call.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Dec 29 2020, 12:32 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

You're the parent here. Its not her call.

When it comes to classroom policy, it's the teachers call, not the parent. Imagine how a class would look if policy would be the parents call. Parents can always talk to the teacher if their child needs special attention.