Should daughters be told that they are pretty?

etky

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 11:40 am

I think children of both genders need to hear that their appearance is physically pleasing to others and who better than their parents to tell them that?
I always made it a point to compliment my kids on their appearance: not to dwell on it or to over-emphasize it over other qualities, but to instill it in them that they are nice looking.
Even now, as young adults, I can sense how pleased they are when I say "you look pretty/handsome today!" or "that ...looks nice on you" when I see them for the first time that particular day.
It gives them a little extra boost.

amother

Gray

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 11:49 am

I have 2 DDs. I tell them both they are awesome, smart, talented, pretty. Lol I think they are the best so why not tell them?!
Problem is one DD gets a lot of attention cuz she’s very genetically blessed. Random strangers, woman in clothing stores etc. idk why but it bothers me... for this DD to keep hearing it and for the other one not to.. can’t be good for either child..

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 1:53 pm

I think it's important to tell our children they are beautiful and handsome. I usually say it as a way of addressing them, yes Gorgeous?

I also say, Hashem made you beautiful.

I think it's equally important to set a good example yourself as someone who feels good about your looks. Model confidence and accepting compliments, and never criticize or complain about your own looks or body. That can also be very detrimental to how they learn to perceive themselves.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 2:16 pm

It's nice to hear sometimes. As long as they know where their true value lies.
I have beautiful daughters. (It took a while till I stopped thinking of the one who favors my side as cute. She's beautiful too. Doesn't look exactly like me.) And they've heard it. They also heard me say, may they be as beautiful inside as out.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 4:49 pm

When DD was around 3, I had a friend over to visit. I was snuggling on the couch with DD, and I mentioned that she was such a pretty girl.

My friend burst into tears and said "I am so glad you are saying that!"

It turns out that my friend's parents were both PhDs, super intellectual, and for them education was everything. If you weren't smart, then you were nothing. My friend never once heard her parents tell her that she was pretty. They thought that things like that were stupid and vain.

My friend, who was absolutely gorgeous by the way, made some very bad life choices because she needed people to tell her she was pretty. She dated all the wrong guys, she developed an eating disorder, and even when she was in hospice at the end of her battle with breast cancer, one of the last things she said was "Am I still pretty?"

I tell DD that she is smart, and that she has amazing middos, that I am proud of her, and that I love her. All things in equal balance, and not too much. DD says she feels very awkward if she thinks she's being over-praised. Laying it on too thick can backfire just as much as not saying it at all.

Just a sprinkle of sugar and spice to make her feel good about herself is all it takes to create healthy self esteem.

How many times have you read posts here from women who are jealous, insecure, worried that their DH is not attracted to them, worried that DH will cheat on them, worried about DH's friend's wives, worried about their first gray hair, worried that DH doesn't tell them that they are pretty often enough?

These women grew up starved for affirmation. They never learned that they were worthy, because their primary care givers never showed them that they were worthy.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 6:06 pm

if you don't like saying 'how pretty you look, (for some reason I don't like saying "You ARE pretty" because pretty is as pretty does. I prefer saying you LOOK pretty) tell her how nice she looks, how shabbosdik, how stylish, whatever. A girl needs to believe she looks nice even if she isn't classically pretty, or maybe especially if she isn't. But as a pp said, that is secondary to complimenting her brains and her middot and telling her you love her. Be matter-of-fact; don't gush. You want to instill a healthy self-esteem, not create a monster.

I don't believe that complimenting a child's looks --or anything else--will make her conceited unless you overdo it, or if that's the only thing you compliment her on.

Many European-reared parents believed that one must never praise a child in his hearing. IMHO this is a terrible policy. Some of my friends who were reared this way still feel, if their parents are still alive, that they can't ever measure up to their parents' expectations, be they ever so successful scholastically, socially and professionally. In contrast, my European-born grandmother never had that philosophy. The first thing she taught me to say in Yiddish was "Ich bin a guteh meidaleh." She didn't have a degree in child psychology but she knew you have to make a child feel good about himself.

It's important for girls to believe they're attractive and worthy of respectful male attention. If they don't, they are at risk of being preyed upon any sleazebucket who gives them a cheap compliment. It's especially important for dads to compliment their daughters so that they are used to getting complimented by men. For some reason a dad's opinion of a girl's looks seems to hold more water than a mom's.

zaq

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 6:10 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

ugh, yes. especially when they're together. I have twins, a boy and a girl, and people are always gushing about how adorable the girl is, when the boy is standing right there. What's he, chopped liver? How STOOPID can people get?

miami85

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 6:18 pm

I would say something if what they are doing is flattering on them--like your hair is very pretty like that, or that shade of x color is very pretty on you. So far my daughters are naturally beautiful in their own right, (I've been told by many people--strangers that my kids are "really cute" so I get that they have some sort of "natural beauty" ka"h) but when something accentuates their features I don't see anything wrong with telling them that. Whether or not you say something, girls are very good at figureing out their own "social value". If it's true or not, they figure it out soon enough.

That said I find beauty to be truly in the eyes of the beholder, there was a guy I dated that I found personally to be less than attractive, and yet he married a fine girl and then there was a friend of mine whose husband had a feature that personally made me cringe a bit, but I found out that my friend REALLY like that. So, truly to each their own.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 8:45 pm

My mother always told me how gorgeous she thought I was.

It was fantastic for my self esteem. I felt beautiful. The idea that some might not find me gorgeous was foreign to me. In fact. when dh crushed me right after we got married by criticizing my looks the fact that my mom had ingrained in me that was beautiful helped me not lose my confidence completely.

(Dh has since apologized for being young and dumb and made up for it in so many ways.)

amother

Coral

Sun, Jan 10 2021, 10:54 pm

Yes, let them know they are pretty. My parents never told me I was pretty and they never say I'm pretty.

To my surprise, I discovered in shidduchim that I was considered beautiful!

And I had many people wanting to go out with me, it was so confusing since they never gave me a clue and I even had low self esteem because of it!

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Jan 11 2021, 5:01 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

That’s the only thing I heard growing up, and I heard nothing related to my self worth. It’s harmful.

I heard a lot that I was smart, but never that I was pretty. I never heard anything about my self worth, only that I was smart and a top student, sometimes that I was a talented writer. It's the same as being told only that you're pretty, trust me.

amother

Oak

Mon, Jan 11 2021, 5:35 am

I read somewhere (possibly on this site) years ago that I should compliment my daughters on everything but looks as they shouldn't feel that their value is only in their looks.

BIG MISTAKE

For years, I didn't tell my daughters that they were pretty even though they are beautiful. When my oldest DD was 9 or 10 she started spending tons of time in front of the mirror, redoing her hair and her clothing over and over and complaining that she was ugly and fat. DD is objectively gorgeous - tall and thin with perfect features, dirty blonde hair with gold highlights and big green eyes.

I realized then that I made a mistake because if she doesn't hear it from her parents, she will never think she is beautiful. Even now, when I have 20 lbs to lose, I still think I look pretty because my mother always told me how pretty I was (and also how smart and talented I was).

My advice - don't only compliment your children on their looks but make sure to tell them that they are beautiful.