S/o where do you and dh sit on Shabbos/ father-in-law

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 4:00 pm

I really think that both ways have validity, and people will generally do what they saw growing up, as that would seem the right thing to do.
The only time it would get really awkward is if the father in law expects the head seat and the son-in-law thinks that's a total breach of boundaries. And the daughter/wife would get stuck in the middle.

peacenine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 4:13 pm

keym wrote:

By husband's grandparents ate by them almost every Shabbos when they were alive. Zaidy always sat on the other end of the table, opposite FIL.
So we do the same when my in-laws come. We offer them to make Kiddush, hamotzi and he always declines.
I instruct the kids to serve their father first. Dh offers his portion to his father and then his mother. They always refuse and get after us.

I love this set up. Kudos to you

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 5:29 pm

In our home I sit at the head and my husband sits to my right. Thats what works for us. When my in laws are over (not often as they live on a different continent) we put my father in law near my husband and my mother in law near my father in law. Same with my parents. They would never want us to give up our spots at the table for them.

rdmom

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 5:33 pm

My husband always gives up his place for either my father or his. And they always take it.
My maternal grandparents lived by my parents for years. And my father always sat on the side with my grandfather at the head.
But I have seen it both ways at others homes.

emmes

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 7:27 pm

My parents live nearby and my fil is not alive, so I never hosted them for a meal. If I would, my father and fil (if he were alive) would sit at the head. That's how my parents did when hosting their parents, and that's what my married sibling do as well. I'd serve them first, that's also what dh would want. My father hates kavod, but that's just how it belongs (in our family. Probably good for chinuch too).

When my fil was alive, my grandfather would sometimes come over towards the end of the meal (after his own meal). My fil would move over a little and have grandfather sit next to him at the head.

When we host my mil, or we go to her, dh serves us kiddush wine and challah at the same time.

iluvy

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:32 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

No. My spouse is my partner, my best friend, and the Torah teaches us a man should leave his mother and find a woman to attach himself to. Me and my spouse are one unit.

I think the first time we had my in laws as over when we were newlyweds my mother in law reprimanded DH for trying to give them Challah before me. "You ALWAYS serve your wife first".

I respect my parents and in laws. But that doesn't mean that my spouse doesn't come before them.

Yes, my husband and I are one unit. So just like I would never take food myself before my parents, I would never serve him before them. You're saying, "I respect my parents, but I come first."

I think it's rude not to at least offer the parents/inlaws the head place, and things like kiddush/challah. They can refuse if they're uncomfortable. The first couple of times our parents came to our place they demurred when we offered them the head of the table, but we said we would be uncomfortable sitting at the head with them there. They (our parents) do the same when their parents are there, btw.

caffeine99

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:25 pm

My husband alway sits in his seat, makes Kiddush first, then gives me and if we had kids, them too. Then my father or father in law who sits next to him will make Kiddush for his household.

When both my father and father in law were in town, I sat next to my husband, my father next to him on the other side, then my husbands parents next to my father.

My father in law, a rav, would never allow my husband to give up his spot or make Kiddush before my husband in our home.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:36 pm

Father/FIL at head. Same by my parents and inlaws. My parents sometimes put a small folding table as a head table and seat my father and his father or FIL near him so they both are at the head. My father or fil always make kiddush and cut challa for e/o. My husband wouldn't dream of sitting at the head with his father at the table.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:38 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

If a big Rav or Rabbi would come to your house, you wouldn't seat them at the head of the table either?

silverlining3

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:41 pm

I've only hosted my parents And not often. My husband gives over his seat at the head of the table, doesn't even think twice. I don't have a designated place so my mom and I just take seats next to each other.

Kiddush, my dad makes 1st and then my husband. Same goes for the hamotzi.

Serving, my dad 1st and then my husband. Whenever we have guest I give my husband 1st and he always passes it to the guest, guests first. I don't stop him. Even more so for parents and in-laws.

Edited typo error

Last edited by silverlining3 on Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:56 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

If a big Rav or Rabbi would come to your house, you wouldn't seat them at the head of the table either?

I've never heard of or seen seating anyone else at the head in your own house. That's simply the place of the head of the house.

I think I would feel very odd if anyone else sat their and made kiddush. Perhaps I'd it was a gadol hador or something I'd want to have the zechus to say amen to their brachas, like Harav Kanievsky.

I wonder if the father in "All for the boss" who had many huge rabbanim stay over offered them kiddush and Challah.

I've never heard or seen of this being done in my life. It's sounds very foreign to me. I understand the reasoning behind it but it still sounds very foreign.

The head of the household sits at the head. Not anyone who is deserving of the most respect. If your Dh's Rav would come over would you also offer him to make Challah and kiddush? I respect our Rav a lot. He is a really great rabbi.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:13 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

If we'd host a big Rav or Rabbi, we'd 100% have him sit at the head & make kiddush 1st, It's so embarrassing otherwise.
Yes, the head of the household sits at the head. But when chashuv people visit, it's only natural to want to offer them to sit at the head, it shouldn't even have to be a discussion. I think it's pretty childish to say "I'm the head of the household and no one ever gets to sit in my place..." I also think it's good chinuch for the kids to witness their parents respecting their elders.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:14 pm

Additionally the head of the table is the person who really sets the tone and runs the seudah. Like I said the head of the household.

I think when my in laws comes they have great Nachas watching their son build a family and his own verison of a shabbos seduah. When they came the first time I remember them getting excited about us having a whole seudah, how I set the table, watching DH do kiddush and hamotzi.

I would want to watch my sons and sons in law run their own shabbos table. Everyone's table is so different, everyone has different personality and sometimes different minhagim. I think me and DH would be honored and humbled to watch our child lead a shabbos seudah for his family. It was be a beautiful thing to witness.

Why would I want to not ever have a chance to witness that?

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:16 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

If we'd host a big Rav or Rabbi, we'd 100% have him sit at the head & make kiddush 1st, It's so embarrassing otherwise.

How big is big? Your shul Rav?

I've just never heard of this. Is this an older minhag? I'm so curious. Does Rav Kanievskys sons allow him to do kiddush and motzi when he visits them?

Now I'd like to know.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:17 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

It's ok if this is what works for you. But you make it seem non negotiable that DH always sits at the head and you always get Challah first, no matter who's visiting at the time. It comes across as a bit immature.

amother

Wine

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:26 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Any Rab is big enough to be seated at the head of the table. We've hosted the Rav of our chassidus and various other Rabbi's always at the head of the table. Kiddush and challa every man makes for themselves.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:36 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I am not being immature. I've never heard of this.

It's like telling me if a big Rav is over he can put on his tefilin for DH and DH doesn't have to.

You are telling me something I have never heard of that in my mind is a very obvious non negotiable thing.

I believe others have different minhagim, but imagine I told you about a different way something is done and you in your life have never heard or seen that there was more than one way to do it.

Sorry if I come across as immature. But this is something I've never seen before in my entire life.I'm going to ask DH in the morning if he has heard of this.

Are all of you who do this chassidish or some of you are litvish? What about yerushalmi? DH knows a bunch of yerushalmi people. I'll ask him if they do this.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 10:46 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Our minhag is only one person makes those himself. I didn't know chassdiism do that, I thought it was only a yekke minhag.