Manipulation or distress

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 1:49 pm

I really couldn't figure it out.

My son is in a hard place now, depressed (undiagnosed) waiting for a therapist, maybe meds..dysregulation and keeps saying how bad his life is. This morning he was in a bad mood and wanted to play on the tablet. I said no. He kept on pestering his siblings..anyways fast forward 15 to 30 minutes I told another kid that we need to cut her sandwich bec only animals bite into things whole; that we eat to have energy and we don't devour food. My son started screaming "you're calling me an animal bec I sometimes bite into a whole roll" he sat down at the table and cried for about an hour, banging his fists on the table towards the end. I heard him calling me after an hour and between crying he told he he wants to play a game on the tablet (to calm himself down) I told him yes, but he needs to calm down first. I gave him tea and a sandwich and he stopped crying in under 60 seconds. He drank his tea, ate his sandwich and played for 25 minutes. He's been fine ever since although still very moody and yelling at everyone (BH for the most part he is out in the snow).

In general I usually blame his behavior on his inability to regulate but every so often something like this happens and I wonder if I'm being played...

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 1:54 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Whether you're purposely being played or not, I don't think you should reward the behavior

I did make him calm down first... It wasn't like I wasn't going to let him play all day....I wanted to help him out of the hole..

amother

Plum

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 1:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I did make him calm down first... It wasn't like I wasn't going to let him play all day....I wanted to help him out of the hole..

Listen I can't really judge what you did, I wasn't there, and I know dealing with ADHD kids can be excruciating. Personally I'm very into not rewarding bad behavior, but there are many different parenting approaches.

What would have happened had you not given him the tablet to play with? In a way, you might also be teaching him to self soothe with technology. Again, I don't know your kid so maybe there's something I'm missing.

imasinger

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 1:59 pm

OP, if your kid needs structure and didn't have it today, you'll probably know to expect challenges.

Maybe try to plan for them? In the morning, you just said no outright to the tablet. Did he have other options he liked? Maybe you can help him make a list of good choices, and say he can play on the tablet after X time doing some other choices?

mha3484

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 2:03 pm

He is not manipulating you. Ross Greene who wrote the Explosive Child (which is super super helpful if you have not read it) says Kids do well when they can not when they want to. Kids are just like adults they feel good when they are able to meet the expectations of their parents, friends, teachers etc and they feel lousy when they fail. This is what usually leads to a meltdown. If he is giving you a hard time you can guarantee he is having an even harder time himself. Empathize with him and work with him on stratagies to regulate himself in the moment. One thing that I learned more recently which I find helps with my kids the acronym HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired. When my kids one in particular starts to really become unglued I start going down the list and 9/10 times its one of those 4. We have reduced lots of power struggles this way and he is a lot calmer.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 2:07 pm

I think your reaction to eating a whole sandwich was extreme and his reaction to what you said was extreme.
Sometimes you just have to let things go... if you make an issue about everything, your kids will get crazy.

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 2:57 pm

imasinger wrote:

I wasn't proactive that's correct. And yes I should hzve told him when. Thanks for that. Is it irrelevant if he was being manipulative or not. Why in the world did he burst out crying about something I didnt even say to him...

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 2:59 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

I think your reaction to eating a whole sandwich was extreme and is reaction to what you said was extreme.
Sometimes you just have to let things go... if you make an issue about everything, your kids will get crazy.

My daughter who is under 5 wanted to eat a whole challah roll with eggs in it...yes, maybe it was the over top..but if you meet her you will understand that I need to meet like with like...My son on the other hand I'm much gentler with...

Chickensoupprof

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 3:05 pm

There is a Jewish children’s book about having a “full bucket” 🪣 don’t know the name anymore but the bottom line is that when your bucket is too full you are getting emotional. Given he has already issues, he was already in a bad mood that day. Teach him to empty his bucket help him, in a understanding non judgemental manner. I don’t know how old your kid is but I think no child will wake up or actively think “I’m going to manipulate mommy”

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 3:44 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I like that anology. Yes, that rings true. How can he empty his bucket though?

Notsobusy

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 3:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I really don't understand the problem with her eating a full challah roll. Why would you compare it to an animal? Worst case scenario she makes a mess, so she has to eat it at the table over a plate. Which she should be doing either way. Otherwise what could be wrong with it?

I'm sorry, because I know that's not what you came to discuss, but I don't have any helpful advice about your son, and this is bothering me.

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 4:00 pm

Notsobusy wrote:

Lol. Yes, the eggs would fall out, she wouldn't be able to bite normally. Think of a big roll stuffed with food. It's just not practical. She was tantrumming and shrieking so I told her only animals eat that way. I was getting desperate. So it wasn't my finest moment Confused

Notsobusy

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 4:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We all have those moments Wink

amother

Puce

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 5:00 pm

Many kids with emotional regulation issues NEED the extrinsic motivation, whether via bribe or threat, to motivate them to regulate. Because the way they brains are wired regarding intrinsic motivation and drive is weak. It’s a dopamine issue. Yes, if they’re having an amygdala hijack often no amount of bribes or threats will work. But if they want something badly enough that can shock their upper brains into taming their lower brains. I don’t consider this manipulation.

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 6:10 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

Thank you for that info. Are you a therapist? What do you suggest I do in general when he melts down like that? He always asks to play games on the tablet when he is upset.

amother

Puce

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 7:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you for that info. Are you a therapist? What do you suggest I do in general when he melts down like that? He always asks to play games on the tablet when he is upset.

Is there an element of obsession with the tablet in the sense that he gets a certain fix from it? And distress when he can’t have it?

amother

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 8:07 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

Is there an element of obsession with the tablet in the sense that he gets a certain fix from it?

He is addicted to technology. It used to be videos. I stopped it. He plays games on my phone when he wants to but there are only a few and he gets bored of them. My tablet is a treat so especially when he is upset, playing a game positively overwhelms the negative feelings. That's my guess. He also has moderate ADHD inattentive type.

amother

Puce

Mon, Feb 01 2021, 8:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So is the distress that is leading to the meltdown his inability to get his fix on the tablet? Or is he distressed about other things, and he wants the tablet as a healthy outlet to calm himself down?