S/O Abusive Parenting

amother

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 2:37 pm

There are many children who are growing up in abusive homes, some more obvious than other.
Obvious situations are when the parents are physically abusive in public, scream beyond control in public, shame their kids nonstop in public, or neglect the children publicly. Other abusers hide the abuse much better by keeping it at home and having the child believe they are bad, wrong, and no one would believe or sympathize with them.
What I have never seen yet though is the abuser owning up to their behavior.
Does that mean there are no abusers among us? What does an abuser think abuse looks like? Is there any hope about an abuser changing their behavior, or is the only solution to empower the child, or remove the child from the situation?
We have had so many forums where comments scream abuse, and the abusers are in total denial. It breaks my heart for every anonymous child that thinks they are terrible, that they are unloved, that they will never amount to anything, that no one will believe them.
Abusers will say anything to make others seem unstable and difficult, we need to show them that we don't believe them, and we believe their victims.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 2:42 pm

Without labeling, I think the reason we see ppl as abusers in the first place is because they aren't working to change things. Take me for instance. I have yelled and more but I don't do it anymore (most of the time). So was I an abuser? Because I tried to get myself help and recognized it right away I was able to stop the behaviors over time. PPl who are not able to recognize it and don't get help continue harming their children and will continue forever to do so. Many ppl struggle with yelling, potching, excessive punishments, guilt tripping, emotional neglect. Some own up to it and others don't.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 2:51 pm

What are you talking about, we have people post how they hit their kid and feel like a terrible person for losing control. I constantly see posts about people regretting yelling or the type of parenting they chose. I also think that the people we see losing it with their kids publicly are not necessarily abusers but people who made mistakes and lost it. As someone who grew up in a really abusive home, we looked perfect to outsiders. The abuse was calculated and well hidden from public eye.

amother

Plum

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 2:54 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Then I guess you weren't here when the woman came in and told everyone she was a great mother but hit her kids with a belt.

Zehava

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:04 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

I've talked about this issue with my therapist and she says the awareness is what makes the difference, that you are aware of the issue and recognize that it is YOUR issue, not your child's, and you are actively taking steps to fix YOUR issue while acknowledging the pain your issue is causing your child.

I agree

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:10 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Why would not admitting to abusing people show a lack of abusers?! I would think the exact opposite

Because someone who is always perfect and never has anything to fix is absolutely hurting others and refusing to admit it - and probably gaslighting as well.

Normal healthy people admit their faults. Abusers can't.

For example a mom who loses it a couple times and smacks her kid and then apologizes and works hard never to do it again is not an abuser, she's a human mom and she is embarrassed that she made mistakes but she admits to them and fixes them. Yes she might slip up and hit her kids again but she will apologize and admit it to someone else (husband, mother, therapist, mentor) and seek help FOR HERSELF to correct HER behavior and learn how SHE should be handling the situation.

Then you have parents who beat their children, literally, whenever they lose control. But it is always the child's fault, if the child hadn't drawn on the wall the parent wouldn't have beaten the child, if the child had been meek and quiet then the parent wouldn't have lost control. The parent owes no apologize and there is no need to ask the parent to fix herself because there is nothing to fix. If the child were better behaved then the child wouldn't have been beaten, because the parent would have had no reason to beat the child. This parent will never ever admit that she is abusive because in her eyes she is acting reasonably, it is the child who is wrong. The child didn't let the parent drink coffee and read her smartphone, so the child deserved a smack on the face. If the child had seen her mother's need for quiet time and respected it there would have been no need to smack the child. Because the child didn't respect the parent, the child needed a slap and got what she deserved. There's nothing wrong with the parent here, only with the child (who is generally impossible, of course).

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:15 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Then I guess you weren't here when the woman came in and told everyone she was a great mother but hit her kids with a belt.

My mother hit us with a belt almost daily and this was the least abusive thing she did. Just saying. Doesn't mean you should hit your children with a belt and I needed to learn that but it isn't the deciding factor either.

amother

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:26 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

That was the least abusive thing is very telling. That means she did far worse. An Ima that thinks hitting with a belt is fine will not necessarily own up the worse things.

amother

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:28 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

With the truth being that even if said child behaved like an angel, it would not stop the abusive behavior.

amother

Lime

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:29 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

I am the OP of the locked thread. Are you referring to my situation?

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

With the truth being that even if said child behaved like an angel, it would not stop the abusive behavior.

Correct.

Another gem from my therapist - sometimes children acting up means they feel safe at home to act up. She said maybe DH and I never did these things because we didn't feel safe enough at home to act this way. But our kids feel safe enough to act out.

I'm not sure if she's right but it's an interesting point. Lots of times kids act very very good because they are scared of their parents.

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:32 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

I am the OP of the locked thread. Are you referring to my situation?

I took the scenario from your OP yes, but as I recall you did not smack your child, so no....

But if you see yourself in what I wrote (mother is not wrong, daughter is always wrong, mother is victim of daughter, if daughter would be better mother would not need to do xyz) then you should rethink some things.

I know my mother wouldn't rethink no matter what, it is always the child at fault, never her...

amother

Lime

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:39 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Well I definitely had not posted asking for advice to have my words eventually taken out of context and embellished with juicer details to prove someone else's point.

I wonder how people who are obviously so well-versed in emotional health don't recognize the damage they inflict on other people.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That was the least abusive thing is very telling. That means she did far worse. An Ima that thinks hitting with a belt is fine will not necessarily own up the worse things.

Speaking from personally experience, I once felt hitting with a belt is totally fine but other things in my parenting were not ok. I also know non abusive people who can hit with a belt 1 or 2 times a year which isn't abusive overall just not the best in that moment. By now, for me, hitting my children with a belt would be abusive, but I didn't feel that way for years and still was trying to improve in other areas. My mother will not even admit that putting a child's head under water as punishment is abusive, even though she stopped that practice with my younger siblings, or that smacking a kallah in the face to blood or a married daughter is abusive so I don't think she'll ever recognize what abuse is.