Threats | Imamother

amother

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:30 pm

5 year old has begun threatening parents and siblings to get his way.
To parent: "I'll only get in pajamas if you let me do xyz", "I'm not going to flush the toilet and wash my hands unless you do xyz". These are things he should be doing anyway.
To siblings: "If you don't play with the toy this way, I'm not going to give you candy", "if you don't give me the toy I want, I'm going to hit you". Sounds abusive to me.
How do I stop this?

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:34 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Never give in. You probably have to punish him.

Before punishing him I would first just stop playing his game and see if that helps. like "OK so don't get in pajamas". very very calmly. If that doesn't help you can have a discussion about how when mommy says to do something it's NOT OK to make statements like that
His doing it to his siblings is less of a concern for me, he may outgrow that or his siblings may start playing the same game with him but you need to address the hitting.

mha3484

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:47 pm

I have a kid that does this. He is 6. He has a strong need for control in a variety of areas of life. I really tried not to get into power struggles with him. I looked the other way on a lot of things. Once he felt that he was more in control over his life, he was a lot more receptive to gentle direction. he has mellowed out a lot over the past year or two.

imasinger

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The kid is looking to learn how to negotiate. This is a wonderful thing, and should be encouraged. He just has to learn the socially acceptable way to play, and you can teach that.

DS: "I'll only get in pajamas if you let me do xyz."

Parent: "Hmm, I hear that you really want to do xyz. Can you think of a nicer way to say that?" (If necessary, prompt -- How about, "if I get into my pajamas quickly, could I please xyz before bed?"). Then, really try hard to say yes. Teach him that respectful negotiation has a good chance of success.

This assumes that xyz is reasonable. If it's not, you can offer alternatives. "I'm sorry, honey, no matter how angry you are at your sister, I won't let you throw her out the window, even if you get into your pajamas in 30 seconds. But if you get into pajamas quickly, I think I'll have time to read you an extra story, or let you call Bubby."

Of course as others have pointed out, the more you model this behavior, the quicker he'll catch on. Try to replace, "if you don't come to the table, you're getting a punishment" with "Everyone who comes to the table by the count of three gets to ... [Fill in your own easy reward here -- something immediate, positive, and easy -- a chocolate chip, a straw in their cup, help Mommy bake for Shabbos, whatever]".

Save the punishments for when needed as an immediate consequence, where you don't threaten, for your few inviolable house rules. "You hit? Time out right now, go sit on the steps."

FranticFrummie

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 2:00 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

When my kids said such a statement to me, I was first shocked. Then I realized - that is how they hear me speak - what else do I expect! I'm trying to be more conscious of how I talk to my children, and not to threaten "consequences" for not listening/doing things my way, right away.

This post brought tears to my eyes! Do you realize how special it is to learn a lesson, and take steps to improve yourself? If more parents could do this, the world would be a much better place.

Just yesterday I was telling a friend of mine who is a new mother "DD made me a much better version of myself. I found out that I had to work on middos that I never even though about before. I had no idea how high my potential was, until she challenged me to do better."

I'm still learning. Very Happy

mha3484

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 2:56 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Where did he learn how to negotiate like this? He’s way too young to have discovered it on his own.

I must have used too many incentives ie bribery with my oldest because one day in preschool when I told him he couldnt have something he told me he would behave really well if I gave him what he wanted. That was the end of that type of parenting.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 2:58 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Smart. You are a rockstar mom!
What if you re-negotiate with him when he starts threatening?

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 3:19 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Aw. Thank you! Your validation just made my day:)