DH gets physical when he's angry

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He can be rough with the kids and even though he 'agrees' that it's not the best thing to do, he often can't control himself and isn't willing to deal with his anger issues.

What do I need to do?

You need to protect your kids from him till he gets help. If the kids are being abused by their father and you're not protecting them, you're enabling the abuse. It's your duty to protect them however it takes. Maybe when DH see's you mean serious business, he'll get help.

Rappel

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:12 pm

It's really hard, because I'm sure you love him. But you have to protect the kids. This is not okay.

You need to pack up the children, and walk away with them until he can prove that he has fully changed his ways. Be prepared to call the police to file a report, to involve child services so they can help him get help, and to take out a restraining order , as necessary.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He can be rough with the kids and even though he 'agrees' that it's not the best thing to do, he often can't control himself and isn't willing to deal with his anger issues.

What do I need to do?

OP, Ive seen what happens to kids who have one parent who hits from anger and the other parent did not protect them.
My husband was hit by hit father. His father was and still is, a very angry man. That alone has left a lasting impression on my husband.
But more than that, his mother never stopped my father in law. She just let it happen. And I know that my husband resents that.

OP, my husband is a good example of someone who also has a lot of anger in him, but he tries very hard, and works on it daily, to control it. It is possible for anyone to control their anger. But if he does not want to deal with it, you have a situation on your hand. You as a parent should always be protecting your child. Nothing is more important. And if your husband will not seek treatment for his issue, and it is a major issue, you have to find ways of protecting your children. You dont want them, years from now, to resent you for not protecting them.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:37 pm

Rappel wrote:

You don't need to be the one to walk away.
The next time he gets physical call the police and file a restraining order.
He will need to be the one to leave.

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 2:39 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

You don't need to be the one to walk away.
The next time he gets physical call the police and file a restraining order.
He will need to be the one to leave.

Calling the police in front of the kids can be extremely traumatic for them. You need to protect your kids, but smartly.

amother

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:03 pm

To those of you who say I need to protect the children- I always speak up, I always intervene and I make it clear to him in front of the children that it's not ok. But I have no place to take the children. And if he refuses to deal with this issue, I don't know how to force him.

The best I can think of is that I make sure that I am always around when he's home so that I can diffuse the tension before he reacts. Is that what protecting the children would mean?

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Protecting the children means taking them out of the line of fire. If our husband cannot be trusted not to harm your children, you need to keep him away from the children.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You tell me. Is it effective or is he hurting them?

amother

Aqua

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First of all, as another poster said above - you can call the police for him physically abusing the children, and get a restraining order taken out on him within a few hours. That would require him to stay away from the home.

If you prefer to leave rather than throw him out, then even if you are completely friendless in the world, there are shelters and homes for women and children in every city.

Quote:

And if he refuses to deal with this issue, I don't know how to force him.

This is the value in involving welfare. If you seperate from him, then you retain the children, and he works with child services to create a plan of recovery. If he works his plan, and succeeds, then he can potentially regain custody of the children. So long as he has not completed his recovery plan, he can't exercise power over them.

Quote:

The best I can think of is that I make sure that I am always around when he's home so that I can diffuse the tension before he reacts. Is that what protecting the children would mean?

[/quote]

No, it's not enough. Trust me, I lived through this. Even if you stood between them and the blow (hi, mom) you cannot shield your children from the anger and hate. And your fighting with him only increases their fear and instability. They don't want you to martyr yourself. They want peace and safety and love in the home. And only you can bring that for them, as their guardian. You need to remove their father until he can safely heal his relationship with them.

amother

Beige

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:38 pm

Has he ever hit his boss in anger? His co-worker? A waitress at a restaurant?

If the answer is 'no', then he can control himself not to get physical.

He might not be able to control his emotions, but he can control his actions.

This is a choice on his part. Not necessarily a conscious one, but still a choice.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I haven't made myself fully available when he's home because I sometimes need a break. But if I take over, he would most likely not be involved.

But OP, you can NOT ALWAYS be there. Its just not possible. You will have other things to do. Its just not possible to always be available to them or be around when he get physical as you cant know when it will happen. And you wrote that he "most likely" will not get involved. That means that he anyway might still get involved.
The only way to protect your child from someone coming at them physically is to physically protect them.

amother

Tan

Wed, Feb 10 2021, 3:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Does doing this prevent DH from hurting them? If not, you're not doing enough. Does DH hurt YOU when he's angry? If you're letting it go on, your kids will never forgive you.
We always knew that my neighbor has a temper and hurts the kids, we never knew to what extent. Till one pesach 3:00 in the morning there was banging on our door, the neighbors kids were there crying hysterically that their father threw them down the stairs and they're never going home again. The mother let it happen. Askanim and CPS were involved and all kids are living with foster families.
If you don't want this to happen to your family, take action now.