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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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amother
Hotpink
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 Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:08 pm
| amother [ Papaya ] wrote: | You make it sound like it's the same people being aggressive in every thread. It is not.
There is a certain type of OP that will get that "treatment." When a mother posts an issue about her child, using extremely negative labels. When you can see in the mother's writing that it's all about herself. That she cannot move over and make space for her child's identity and individuality because it threatens her own. It is an attitude towards her children that they are faulty and lacking because they do not bow and bend to her will or whims.
If in your first sentence you describe your child as incredibly selfish, then you better take a good long look in the mirror.
If you don't understand what I'm saying, then perhaps you need a mirror as well.
It's not genius or brain science that our children were not born to serve us or reflect us. This is something some of us learn as early as toddlerhood because of our own mothers' actions and attitudes.
If you are dismissive of these concepts then you will probably never understand without real intense work and help.
If you do understand what I'm saying then your children are fortunate. Thank you for granting them respect, their dignity and legitimacy. Thank you for being a real mother and proper role model. Literally.
True no one is perfect. You don't have to acquire perfection to let your children live. |
This so much!!!!! Thank you!!
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:10 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | People like her don't listen to reason.
Posters were saying it in a nice way, and she still believed she was right.
The only thing left to do that point is to call out the behavior.
The question with abused children is always to other adults, why didn't you protect me or stick up for me? Why did you enable the abusive person? |
From one post you already know that she belongs in a certain category? "People like her"?
Here several people have been pointing out that nastiness is uncalled for, and YOU keep defending yourself and saying you're right.
Give someone time to digest, try to present from a different angle that the OP might understand better. She may just need to sit with the advice for a while, even if she rejected it at first.
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amother
Blush
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:14 pm
| amother [ Indigo ] wrote: | From one post you already know that she belongs in a certain category? "People like her"?
Here several people have been pointing out that nastiness is uncalled for, and YOU keep defending yourself and saying you're right.
Give someone time to digest, try to present from a different angle that the OP might understand better. She may just need to sit with the advice for a while, even if she rejected it at first. |
What do you mean by SHE keeps defending herself?
This is literally Papayas second post here.
There are multiple Imas on here.
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amother
Wine
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:14 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | People like her don't listen to reason.
Posters were saying it in a nice way, and she still believed she was right.
The only thing left to do that point is to call out the behavior.
The question with abused children is always to other adults, why didn't you protect me or stick up for me? Why did you enable the abusive person? |
You decided that she's "people like her". I think that she's suffering from empty nest syndrome and needs to find other things to be busy with. It's very hard to get used to kids being all grown up and independent and not needing you hands on anything.
If you think that "people like her" don't listen to reason, just let it go and stop responding to that thread! Being mean won't make them listen and might only make things worse.
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Simple1
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:17 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | People like her don't listen to reason.
Posters were saying it in a nice way, and she still believed she was right.
The only thing left to do that point is to call out the behavior.
The question with abused children is always to other adults, why didn't you protect me or stick up for me? Why did you enable the abusive person? |
That's not what happened in that thread. Her responses were fairly neutral, and there is no indication that she was rejecting advice.
She may have called her daughter selfish in the first post, but did not repeat it again, unless I read too fast. Go re-read the thread.
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:30 pm
| Simple1 wrote: | That's not what happened in that thread. Her responses were fairly neutral, and there is no indication that she was rejecting advice.
She may have called her daughter selfish in the first post, but did not repeat it again, unless I read too fast. Go re-read the thread. |
Twice (selfish, and then says her daughter has an exaggerated sense of self). And it seemed she wanted validation for her broken relationships, more than advice on how to repair it (the comment about her drying her tears, etc...at the end.)
That's why I didn't post there. I doubt it would help. But I do think her labeling her children is very telling. And indicative of why her relationship is not how she wants it to be.
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amother
Blush
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 1:39 pm
| imaima wrote: |
And if you come to vent on imamother about how hard it is, a crowd of underloved amothers will crucify you, because they don't realize that they will INEVITABLY be in your shoes. |
Lol why does this ring a bell.
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amother
Scarlet
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:27 pm
I didn’t read all of the responses.
To answer you question simply, many posts have alarming red flags (I.e calling a daughter names), no matter how sweet and innocent the op may come across. Since we don’t know the full story, we try to get that whole story, or we try to make op aware of her wording or her attitude.
Some posts are asking for it, like when someone posts that the bane of her 11 year old’s existence annoys her. There are many threads like that, where the thread has zero point, question, nothing. So what are the replies supposed to look like? “Great job neglecting your child 👍🏼“ doesn’t sit well with me.
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:34 pm
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | I didn’t read all of the responses.
To answer you question simply, many posts have alarming red flags (I.e calling a daughter names), no matter how sweet and innocent the op may come across. Since we don’t know the full story, we try to get that whole story, or we try to make op aware of her wording or her attitude.
Some posts are asking for it, like when someone posts that the bane of her 11 year old’s existence annoys her. There are many threads like that, where the thread has zero point, question, nothing. So what are the replies supposed to look like? “Great job neglecting your child 👍🏼“ doesn’t sit well with me. |
Try something like this: "That must be a rough place to be, because you want to love your child - we all want to love our children. Can you try making a list of 10 things you DO like about her, even small things, every day? And take her out for an iced coffee or something you both enjoy. Don't try to DMC, just smile and enjoy your coffee while being in her presence. You might want to consider speaking to a parenting coach (here's who I recommend) who can help you with creating an atmosphere where DD will be more cooperative at home."
I mean, do you parent the same way? "My DD said she doesn't want to go to school anymore. I let into her about what a lazy bum she is, because what was I supposed to say? 'Sure, dear, stay home all day' - doesn't sit well with me."
Mothers are people too.
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Zehava
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:37 pm
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I don’t give abusive and egocentric people the same empathy that I give to my kids
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amother
Scarlet
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:38 pm
| amother [ Indigo ] wrote: | Try something like this: "That must be a rough place to be, because you want to love your child - we all want to love our children. Can you try making a list of 10 things you DO like about her, even small things, every day? And take her out for an iced coffee or something you both enjoy. Don't try to DMC, just smile and enjoy your coffee while being in her presence. You might want to consider speaking to a parenting coach (here's who I recommend) who can help you with creating an atmosphere where DD will be more cooperative at home."
I mean, do you parent the same way? "My DD said she doesn't want to go to school anymore. I let into her about what a lazy bum she is, because what was I supposed to say? 'Sure, dear, stay home all day' - doesn't sit well with me."
Mothers are people too. |
First of all, I know that pointing their flaws out will not work. At best, it will backfire. All I’m saying is that I understand why the OPs get this kind of response.
I don’t parent the same way. I don’t call my children names. Not selfish, not lazy bum, not annoying. I’m having a hard time following your second paragraph and its connection to my point.
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amother
Wine
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:38 pm
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | I didn’t read all of the responses.
To answer you question simply, many posts have alarming red flags (I.e calling a daughter names), no matter how sweet and innocent the op may come across. Since we don’t know the full story, we try to get that whole story, or we try to make op aware of her wording or her attitude.
Some posts are asking for it, like when someone posts that the bane of her 11 year old’s existence annoys her. There are many threads like that, where the thread has zero point, question, nothing. So what are the replies supposed to look like? “Great job neglecting your child 👍🏼“ doesn’t sit well with me. |
If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, ignore the thread and go on. We don't must respond to and participate in every thread. If a certain thread is triggering for you and you know it will bring out your worse, then just skip it.
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:39 pm
| Zehava wrote: | | I don’t give abusive and egocentric people the same empathy that I give to my kids |
Why not? Do you think your kids are immune to becoming abusive or egocentric?
Or can you think that maybe had these people had some empathy in their lives they may not have become "abusive and egocentric"? And that perhaps it's not too late for them to learn to be more empathetic of others, if we are kind to them?
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amother
Seagreen
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:39 pm
| Zehava wrote: | | I don’t give abusive and egocentric people the same empathy that I give to my kids |
Empathy is not just something you give. It's something that's part of you.
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amother
Blush
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:39 pm
| amother [ Indigo ] wrote: |
Mothers are people too. |
Well it depends if she mentions not wanting the child to be born, or if it is a post about annoying behavior only.
Then it quickly goes from Mothers are people, to abusive mothers are monsters.
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amother
Scarlet
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:40 pm
| amother [ Wine ] wrote: | | If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say, ignore the thread and go on. We don't must respond to and participate in every thread. If a certain thread is triggering for you and you know it will bring out your worse, then just skip it. |
If someone doesn’t have something nice to say about their own child, they sure as hell shouldn’t be posting about them with mean names on the internet.
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:41 pm
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | First of all, I know that pointing their flaws out will not work. At best, it will backfire. All I’m saying is that I understand why the OPs get this kind of response.
I don’t parent the same way. I don’t call my children names. Not selfish, not lazy bum, not annoying. I’m having a hard time following your second paragraph and its connection to my point. |
You said that if a poster is "asking for it" you think that saying something harsh is called for. I asked if you parent that way too - our kids also sometimes say pretty awful things. The same way you can speak kindly to your child despite not agreeing with what they say, you can also accord mothers on here the same courtesy.
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amother
Blush
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:43 pm
| amother [ Indigo ] wrote: | | You said that if a poster is "asking for it" you think that saying something harsh is called for. I asked if you parent that way too - our kids also sometimes say pretty awful things. The same way you can speak kindly to your child despite not agreeing with what they say, you can also accord mothers on here the same courtesy. |
How can you compare the behavior of an adult to the behavior of a child? An adult should know better.
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:45 pm
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | | If someone doesn’t have something nice to say about their own child, they sure as hell shouldn’t be posting about them with mean names on the internet. |
Because they had ONE not-nice thing to say about their child (you have no idea how talented, beautiful, accomplished, intelligent, generous, or vivacious OP thinks she is) you think she has NOTHING nice to say? Presumably this was the only relevant issue so that's all she posted.
When I come to vent about a child that is driving me CRAZY, I might not share all her good points in that thread. Right now I'm going nuts because of her temper tantrums! You can commiserate with me, and if you must, point out that she is a delicious child most of the time and that she will outgrow the tantrums. But I'm not automatically a terrible mother for having a terrible time with the terrible twos!
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amother
Indigo
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Tue, Mar 02 2021, 2:47 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | | How can you compare the behavior of an adult to the behavior of a child? An adult should know better. |
My 12yo uses this argument to justify all kinds of behavior. 
Yes, of course an adult SHOULD know better. But some don't. Do you want to teach them, or do you want to punish them for never having learned?
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