Help me not take it personally

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:18 am

itsmeima wrote:

Health comes before Shalom Bayis!

Her husband is not an extension of her body. She can’t control him. He has a different idea about what safe means here

I’m saying this as a person who has not been to a social gathering all year. We are masked all the time. My husband goes to strict SD masked shul. Same with kids school. I take Covid seriously. It sounds like her husband does too but not in the exact same way. She needs to work through her anxiety and learn to separate the things she can and cannot control

amother

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:22 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I am sorry op
this is so challenging for so many who are not on the same page as their spouses.
in a marriage we can only control ourselves and realize the spouse has authority over their own decisions -- mutually
this is a very tough one
wishing you health and happiness

But this is a unique scenario where his decisions can get all of us sick. It’s on thing if he decides to buy a motorcycle-it’s risky for the one riding it, which would be him, so in that scenario while I might not agree with it, if I never get on that motorcycle odds are I won’t die from a motorcycle crash. In a Covid scenario , Him attending an event can directly impact my health-how can this be something that he alone controls??

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:24 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You need to reframe. Ultimately you are doing YOUR hisbtadlus. What happens next is up to Gd

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Children are in school but their school has very very strict guidelines. We go to stores. But spending time in a social setting, unmasked, with numerous people in a small room is not the same as running in for 10 minutes to pick up groceries in a massive, well-ventilated store

Not to be a broken record, but have you signed up to get a vaccine yet? Even if your husband doesn't, you will be protected.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:28 am

I think that it's hard to not take it personally.

You can choose to not have conflict over it, and accept what you can and can't control.

I probably would also feel like I was getting a loud and clear message about how not important I am from my dh.

I don't think merely compartmentalizing what is in your control or not would help resolve that.

I think my heart would be breaking inside. Actions speak louder than words. Just because someone else is free to do what's in their daled amos (kinda) doesn't mean that it doesn't affect other people or relationships.

I do think focusing on what you can control about it - your boundaries, the kids' boundaries, tefillah, etc. can divert some of your energy. Also, at least regarding your fears, it may be worth trying to daven for bitachon, etc. Hashem knows you can only do what you can do.

In terms of the relationship aspects, of keeping your dignity and boundaries, respecting dh's, but also realizing it sends a certain message when someone doesn't care about your boundaries...I suggest a good therapist to help you talk through that for you.

I don't fight with anyone outside my home about COVID...but there have been some people including leaders of some local institutions who not only aren't on the same page about COVID as me, but have also just lied or are also lying about what they have done or are doing. More recently, they are just doing whatever, but still talking outside of the other side of their face saying that they are keeping COVID controls. I'm not going to fight with them, but there are a lot of people in my small town that I no longer trust or respect, and that's even more isolating than COVID. I don't know how I will get through that. I don't know that I will ever trust or respect them again.

amother

Jade

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:30 am

Interesting how you are taking all precautions and your dh is taking very few and yet neither of you have gotten a sick yet. One of you have lost out on a whole year or normal life.

Op there are very effective treatment for covid. The media and healthcare industry has chosen to focus on prevention whish is rediculous because at some point most people will have t to have it. Or a vaccine which is ineffective at best and harmful at worst. You will never know because the information you are getting has been cleaned of all negative " misinformation" about it's effectiveness and side effects.

What people aren't being told is that you can get medications or antibody treatments that are extremely effective. We know so much more now about corona than we did a year ago and we know it is treatable especially if the treatments are administered right away.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:30 am

I am sure this is very hard. But the very truth is, who gets the virus and how severe is really in Hashems hands, regardless of how careful or not one is. We've all seen it time and again.

At this point I think the only thing You can do is; you do YOUR hishtadlus, thank Hashem for keeping you healthy, and ask Him for further health, to protect you all. Back in the real hard times, a year ago, I sang every single day with my kids mizmor lasoda. Thanked Hashem for up until then and asked for further health and protection. (I should really start again, I know.)

Hatzlacha

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:38 am

Have you done your own research regarding the use of masks, social distancing and your risk factor of getting COVID?
Or are you basing all your fears and extreme measure on msm and government?
There was a study done by the CDC very recently (I couldn't find the exact study but I saw it referenced) that masks only lowered deaths by 1%. That is still within the margin if statistical error which means masks may have not had any effect on death rates.
But all that aside, your feeling like your husband doesn't respect you or your wishes/ fears. What about his? You're not respecting his wishes to live his life. For wtvr reason he doesn't believe there is the same risk as you think there is and wants to go to a kiddush. Why is you being upset ok but him going not?
And you say your kids are in school. What do they do by recess and lunch? As careful as schools claim to be, the kids are not always wearing masks properly and are not properly social distancing. Ask your kids. And if you haven't its because deep down you know the truth but don't want to hear it.
How do they get to and from school? Bus? There's likely even less precautions being taken on the bus.
I think your fears were rational months ago.
Did you ever test for antibodies? Do you or your husband have?

amother

Sienna

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:45 am

My husband was also not as careful with Covid precautions as I was. Then he caught Covid but I didn't catch it from him and neither did any of my kids. Three months later one of my kids caught Covid in school and spread it to the rest of the family. No way to know where you can catch covid from. It doesn't always make any sense.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:56 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

hishtadlus also means making sure you keep your husband and kids safe!

amother

Seashell

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 11:10 am

I just wanted to empathize with you OP. I understand how tough your situation is that the two of you are not on the same page.

One of you will have to give to restore the shalom bayis. As a general rule, spouses do not dictate to each other. Then there is things like smoking in the house, that can be seen as exceptions. But you seem that you cannot stand living this way anymore.

The only way for you to give is to use believing in Hashem etc, the only way for him to give is him posting here for us to advise him (yes, tongue in cheek).

Half the people of the world agree with half the people. This covid situation sucks.

I decided that even though I am almost certain I am right, I cannot judge that others are wrong because if I am totally honest there is a .00001% chance I could be wrong. And Hashem protects all sorts of people.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 11:15 am

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

hishtadlus also means making sure you keep your husband and kids safe!

That is when you are in control.

When you do hishtadlus, for anything, and it doesn't help, will you keep doing the same thing or take a different approach?

And are people really willing to put tension/destroy their marriage for something they are absolutely not in control????
I will tell you a secret, my husband went to daven almost every single day last year, it bothered me to no end. I COULD NOT HELP IT! I had 2 choices, be angry, call him out, give him a piece of my mind, and strain our otherwise healthy and good marriage, or.....yes you guessed it, do MY hishtadlus, stay in most possible, mask up etc and ask Hashem for health and protection. We simply cannot control anyone but ourselves.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 12:25 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

Hishtadlus is not only for when someone is in control, because little to nothing is in a human's 100% control, and yet we're still required to do hishtadlus.

And I don't think the OP is describing trying to control the dh as much as how to deal with his choices emotionally. One can respect that something isn't theirs to control, that doesn't mean it's ok for the relationship. Just because something is "allowed" doesn't mean it's good.

The OP can do all the hishtadlus she wants, her dh is still sending a message that her feelings don't matter.