How to not take what teens say personally

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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fish

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 10:25 pm

How do you not take the chutzpa of teens personally? My teen daughter at times will say insulting things and I don't know how to not take it personally. She says your so mean often. The other day she said I stabbed her in the back and that really hurt. I know she is a typical teen but I feel that if I knew how to not take things personally I would be a better mother.

amother

Mimosa

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 10:27 pm

I think it's important that kids know we are human and have feelings and that it's not ok to just say whatever they want. That's my personal opinion.

That said. Sometimes I just cry if it all gets too much.

amother

Lotus

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 10:38 pm

When I was a teenager, I recall my mom once calmly telling her that she’s not a punching bag and that I can’t speak to her x, y, z ways (I became BT in high school and was not a mentsch about it). I’ll never forgot that she said that and I felt horrible after and still remember. It made me think of her more as a person, not just my mommy.

ShishKabob

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 10:43 pm

Teens are not entitled to make mincemeat out of their parents even if their hormones are raging. You should never take it personally, however you should not tolerate chutzpah because Hashem demands respectful speaking to parents. You can calmly say, I know this is how you feel now, however you can’t speak to me like that. If you speak calmly and confidently and know that you are not asking kavod for yourself, she will absorb it Bezh.
Talk to yourself constantly and tell yourself that it’s her hormones that are talking and she doesn’t really mean you. You just are a safe place for her. Just don’t take it personally. Hugs and lots of hatzlocha!

amother

Denim

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 11:33 pm

Following. Same problem here.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sat, Apr 22 2023, 11:40 pm

I say: I don't deserve that.
I get a mumbled apology usually or silence. Either one is good for me.

amother

Teal

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 1:17 am

Maybe it's just my dc, but I always think of it as dc is probably feeling bad about themself and want to yell and say negative things about themself when they talk to me like that but they're just deflecting all the negativity to a safe place (me!). It helps me feel compassion for dc and reminds me that dc is struggling internally, needs space and love.

I will still say in a very neutral tone something like, it's not ok to talk to a mother like that.

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 2:20 am

What do people mean when they say "you (meaning mother) are a safe place for her (meaning teen)." Can someone explain.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 2:46 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

What do people mean when they say "you (meaning mother) are a safe place for her (meaning teen)." Can someone explain.

With most people we are more guarded in our speech and behavior. With certain relationships like child to parent, we don't feel like we have to hold back. We can express ourselves and those people will still be there for us and love us unconditionally. It's safe to let it all out. It's like after school restraint collapse if you've heard of that. The reason the young child is 'good' until reunited with their parents is they no longer have to hold themselves back like they do in the strange environment of school. It takes a lot of work to hold ourselves together sometimes, especially those of us whose brains are more actively under construction.

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 4:47 am

What does having this safe place give a child? Asking cause I never had it but doing my best to give it to my children.

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