I'm not cut out for being a frum jew

imasinger

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 8:27 pm

How can we help?

Links or shopping tips to make your life easier? (Yes, I know, it's just the shlep. When my 2 year old DGD was in the store last week, she announced to her mother, "I no twy on. I potch you!") But you could consider ordering online.

Tips and tricks to simplify Pesach cleaning?

Permission not to worry so much about appearance? (Some of the most frum people I know don't go in for fashion or makeup, they spend their time on more torahdik things).

Menu plans for a chametz free house?

Some self time, so that you don't feel like the house slave?

Ways to get DH and DC to pitch in?

All have been asked before, so you can do a search, or ask again.

Hug

You CAN do this!

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 8:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And another big issue for me is bc. I'm currently taking the mini pill (while nursing), which I often forget to take on time, and am so stressed out that I will end up with a surprise baby... But all the other allowed options scare the living daylights out of me, so stuck with this extra unneeded anxiety.

Wouldn’t BC be an issue for you even if you weren’t frum though? How is this a frum thing?

(You should consider Paragard)

amother

Mint

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 8:39 pm

Honestly, what I hear most from OP, which I can really relate to, is a need for a significant break from planning. What so many of us wouldn't do to not need to gather those links to buy clothes, to not have to make dinner or be able to throw something together quickly that works for everyone. This time of the year, there are so many things to hold in our heads at once. Especially with the year we've had, but even without it, it feels like too much.

I get it.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:36 pm

Don't be scared of birth control! It's amazing! The IUD is your friend!

And I'll tell you a secret: You don't need new clothes for yom tov. I know! Crazy! Wait until after, when the sales start! Stop it with the "accessories". If your girls are old enough, have them shop online and put things in your cart, and then you decide what to buy or not.

Being frum doesn't mean you have to keep up with the Jones's all the time. The clothing thing is not halacha.

And here's your plan for cleaning for Pesach:

1) Bedrooms: Tell kids to clean their own bedrooms. Make it a game, prizes for the best cleaner.
2) Kids love the vaccuum. Let them clean the couches.
3) Kitchen:
sink and oven, night before. Pour boiling water on sink, put oven on self-clean, put on burners for an hour.
countertops: boiling water + iron = you and your husband.
Fridge: The hardest part. Get a cleaning lady if you can, have her do it and leave everything else, or pay for an extra two hours.

Have oldest kid tape shut all the cabinets.

Done!

Food erev Pesach: baked potatoes in the microwave. Top with cheese and sour cream and butter and yum!
Shabbos: Normal, add egg matzahs instead of challahs. Done!

spiritualsoul

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 10:50 pm

OP, I totally get you. And about bc, and periods, I'm having some issues with that too.I get into really bad moods two days before I get my period and then while I have my period. Its so frustrating and I feel like thrashing everyone when I get into these bad moods. I don't want to try hormonal birth control cause I'm scared my moods will worsen, and an IUD flopped badly for me. (I use spermicides) So I have no way of getting rid of my bad moods (besides for meds, which I'm not sure I should take if it's only for a few days a month...)
As for the frumkeit issues, I totally get that too because life is soooo overwhelming. Talking to G-d and having open honest conversations about my struggles, anger, etc.. eases the stress sometimes. (that's when you're ready to talk to him, that takes time too...)

amother

Gray

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:24 pm

spiritualsoul wrote:

Hormonal bc can help with period related moods.

amother

Gray

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks everyone for your kind, encouraging words! I really needed to hear these thoughtful posts. It's greatly appreciated!!
I really think there is so much beauty in frum life, but the pressures are too much for me. I get overwhelmed very easily, so just thinking about shopping for yom tov clothes for the kids, plus shoes, accessories etc make me sick to my stomache. Even boys, who should be easier to shop for, I get worried about the huge expense, especially since my son is super active and keeps destroying his suit pants and shoes and sneakers. So then I'm left with a kid that looks like a shlump...
My girls are getting older and more aware of what's trendy, so I can't get away with cheapy stuff.
I get overwhelmed cleaning for pesach (and I really do the minimum), plus planning when to kasher and what to feed the kids once no chametz in the house etc... I am terrible with planning ahead and time management, which a frum mother really needs to have down pat. The list goes on and on....
Of course frum moms also need to look put together at all times, which I am not...

OP I agree being a frum mom is overwhelming. But a lot of this is about fashion and looking perfect. Will it be a big deal if your kids don’t have all brand new perfectly accessorized clothes on Pesach?

essie14

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:42 pm

Most of the things mentioned here have nothing to do with being frum except Pesach.

Non frum people take birth control while nursing. if taking a pill is hard for you there are other options. All halachically sanctioned except the condom. and if you really need it, you can get a heter for condoms.

Non frum people also have to make supper for their family.

Non frum mothers also have to buy clothing for their children.

I fully understand that shabbat every week is hard and very challenging. And of course so are the chagim.
But not being frum doesn't make any of the other parenting stuff go away.

tichellady

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 11:54 pm

essie14 wrote:

Sort of but not entirely. Most of the non frum people I know don’t do much cooking and rely on takeout or have a housekeeper cook etc and just have healthier cheaper options available. Non frum kids just need regular clothing, nothing for Shabbos or yomtov etc. I actually think that frum moms have it way harder than the typical American secular mom. We always have things to be planning and on top of, have more kids, etc. frum life is great and rewarding but I definitely wouldn’t call it easy and relaxing

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:08 am

tichellady wrote:

But frum families have kids in school starting at a younger age and for much longer hours. And are less likely to have serious extracurricular commitments. (Travel little league teams, for example, take up a lot of time and money.)

Frum families, in some places, are more likely to have friends send meals after a baby. In the New York area, there's loads of kosher takeout. Someone must be buying it.

In the right wing world, no one is stressing over SATs and college admissions. In some places, the admissions process is a part time job.

Our lives are more complicated in some ways, simpler in others. Obviously, more kids means more work, but a lot of the burdens are self-imposed.

ora_43

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:27 am

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

This.

I'm not denying the unique challenges of being frum, but the perception that parents who aren't frum have it way easier is waaaay off.

Each community has its own pressure. Because there are always going to be those people who can handle more, who raise the bar for everyone else.

If you're frum, it's the woman who has 7 kids and works and still has everyone looking beautifully put together.

If you're not frum, it's the woman who has 2 kids who are enrolled in a total of 6 extracurricular activities. Her kids are both above grade level in every topic, and fluent in Mandarin Chinese. She cooks nutritionally balanced, all-organic meals every day, and runs marathons. All while holding down a full-time job at an NGO that's saving the planet somehow.

There's always someone uber-functional you can compare yourself to if you want to feel bad. Be smart, OP, and compare yourself to the ora_43 of whatever community you live in, instead. IOW - to whoever has a messier house than yours, is worse-dressed than you, and is still pretending that Pesach doesn't exist.

ora_43

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:33 am

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I would love to hear more.

I'm not amother-lawngreen. But as someone close-ish to MO (albeit the Israeli version), I'd say there's a lot more academic pressure here. Both for kids and adults. A lot of the adults in the community are doctors, lawyers, academics, etc. The kids are expected to learn lots of Torah and also be as advanced in secular subjects as their non-frum peers.

Also, lots of advanced degrees = more people with money, so there can be some financial pressure too. Nothing terrible where I live - there exist families that have gorgeous, beautifully furnished homes and vacation in hotels a few times a year, but our ikea furniture and family camping trips aren't exactly out of place. But in some MO communities the bar is pretty high.

Tuition is also significantly more expensive. Less so in Israel, but still usually more than in the hareidi world. Same for daycare.

essie14

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 1:54 am

tichellady wrote:

Most of the frum people I know have housekeepers / cleaning help and also rely on takeout.
Non frum kids still have holidays. Yes, not as many as frum people. But it's still there.

I don't think we have it WAY harder. We might have it a bit harder, but my secular friends have a lot going on in their lives too. SAT prep, college admissions, extra curricular activities. The Mommy wars in secular circles are just as fierce as the "keeping up with the Cohens" in some frum circles.

If you want to be a laid back mom, you can be a frum laid back mom or a secular laid back mom. If you want to be a helicopter mom, same thing.
The pressures might be a bit less, but don't kid yourself that it's smooth sailing.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 5:27 am

OP you sound stressed. Pretty normal for this time of year. Pretty normal for this year of century, given the Pandemic.

I want to remind you of something. As a Frum woman, you have one thing that can really help you that you may have forgotten about, that your secular counterparts do not have. You can trust in and rely on Hashem. Talk to Him. He loves you. He knows you like you He knows Himself, because you exist within His existence. Never forget this. This means that you don't have to make Pesach. You just have to try very hard to make Pesach. But no stress. Stress is the yetzer Hara trying to trip you up. Don't let him win! Talk to Hashem, tell Him that you will put in your best effort, and you KNOW that He will help you achieve Success. Realize and avkno6 that you actually cannot achieve anything without His help. And ask for His help, for His sake, nor yours. For the sake of His Javid.

You go girl.
You got this!

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 9:57 am

I grew up not Jewish and struggled for a long time with the constant deadlines in yiddishkeit (Shabbos, YT, times of the year when you can’t take haircuts/do laundry/buy new clothes, Rosh Chodesh remembering the boys need white shirts) but over time I got more experience and got better at organizing myself. Running a home is a skill that I didn’t get much training in and didn’t realize was important, but then I was living with lots of stress until I realized I needed to prioritize getting these skills. Organization skills can be learned. There are books and youtube videos that can help a lot. Talking with experienced moms is good too. My home is run calmly for the most part and is a happy place to be BH. It takes time but you can do it!

I know firsthand that my Jewish life, compared to the life I had before (and my extended family members’ current lives) is rich and full of meaning. There’s not nearly the same depth and satisfaction if you live a standard American life.

Simplify your menus. Make sure you have time to relax and do things you enjoy each day (read, take walks, talk with friends).

I don’t have suggestions for the shopping though. It’s tedious and stressful and expensive (although ultimately not coming from our pocket I think). I daven for hatzlocha before we go in the store. I will tell you, though, that those memories are special to my kids. Mommy focusing on them and spending time to make sure they look and feel good. One of my friends tragically passed away young and that was one of the hardest things for her dh to find someone to help with afterward. Anyone can grab things off a rack, but taking the time and patience to sit with a kid as they try each thing on, discuss the pros and cons of each option, run back and forth from the dressing room to look for other options, and makng the kids feel great - that’s a labor of love. My older kids are over 18 now but they still ask me to come with them.