Feeling very unwanted by our hostess

amother

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 9:56 am

We are going to a relative for part of pesach because another relative is being there and they are very adamant that we come too, plus the hostess wants us to help with that elderly relative. I didn’t want to go because I know having us is another burden that she doesn’t need but I pretty much would have created world war 3 if I said no.

Now our hostess keeps kvetching about all the work she’s doing and giving me attitude in general. She was snarky when I offered to bring something that would help them. I feel so bad; I don’t want to go but I know I can’t cancel at this point without creating major politics. But I’m so uncomfortable going and feeling unwanted the whole time.

Any advice?

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:01 am

I would probably call her out.
“Do you want us to come? I feel like maybe you don’t. Would you rather we stay home? It’ll be hard for me to cook last min but I really don’t want to impose on you. “
Let her realize that you don’t have to come and that it actually is in her best interest that you be there.

amother

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:06 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

I would totally do that if I didn’t have to spend time with her in a few days! Like we all know she’s not going to say yes, stay at home so then we we are there, there’s going to be added awkwardness.

amother

Plum

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:12 am

Btdt
I hate being a guest in general and at these types it's the hardest.
Learnt to stay on my side of the street. Do my part right. Resolved to treat all people , guests and hosts will dignity and grace. No matter how they treat me.
Keep refocusing on self. What can I do?
And also validate the part within that feels a burden. It probably has history before this women. And sit with that with compassion.

watergirl

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:15 am

It sounds like you are not there because the host wants you or because you want to be with the host, you are there because you want to be with another guest, and also because the host wants help with one elderly person. How many are there with you? You, your husband, and how many kids? I can see how a host would be annoyed. It is on her to either say no or welcome you graciously once she extended the invite. I personally hate when a guest wants to invite a guest. I feel taken advantage of as a hostess, so I can see how she would be resentful.

If you really feel unwanted, maybe staying home is the way to go. We are just now kashering our kitchen and I have a lot of shopping to do and I know I am not the only one in this place now. It will be a hard few days to go home and make pesach, but maybe more comfortable once all is said and done to be home and not to feel unwanted for the next 10 days.

amother

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:18 am

watergirl wrote:

It sounds like you are not there because the host wants you or because you want to be with the host, you are there because you want to be with another guest, and also because the host wants help with one elderly person. How many are there with you? You, your husband, and how many kids? I can see how a host would be annoyed. It is on her to either say no or welcome you graciously once she extended the invite.

If you really feel unwanted, maybe staying home is the way to go. We are just now kashering our kitchen and I have a lot of shopping to do and I know I am not the only one in this place now. It will be a hard few days to go home and make pesach, but maybe more comfortable once all is said and done to be home and not to feel unwanted for the next 10 days.

I’m not there yet. Will go right before yt. I absolutely do not want to go but the elderly relative wants us there so we have to go. I’m not going with a lot kids, we are a young family. I would stay home but literally would create a huge fight if we did.

watergirl

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Lets play this out. So the elderly relative wants you there. What if you decide to stay home. There is a fight. Then what? The person is mad at you? OK.... then what? It is ok for people to be mad. You also have feelings and the host also has feelings. A fight is unpleasant and uncomfortable and upsetting, but it is ok. Is it better for you to go and have the host mad, you upset and uncomfortable, or for you to stay home and at least you and the host are happy.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:25 am

watergirl wrote:

That’s why I think it’s worth asking the host what she wants. Would she rather op be there? Or would she rather her guest be upset and she be alone caring for her guest? It’s an awkward conversation to have. But I think sometimes those conversations are worth having.

causemommysaid

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:26 am

watergirl wrote:

I find this very strange. I'm assuming host invited elderly relative out of obligation. Now because elderly relative wants another family member to be with them and having that relative over will make it easier to host elderly relative, host invited the OPs family. It was a decision that was beneficial to themselves not the OP. It is terrible middos to then be rude to the person you invited to come help you for yom tov. Where is the world does resentment come in? They are coming to help not for a free vacation. Being anything less than gracious is uncalled for.

watergirl

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:29 am

causemommysaid wrote:

The way I read OP, it is that the host is resentful and not being nice. OP is trying her best and still, the host is making it clear she is unwanted. So I stand by my post. OP can stay home, or she can go but know it will be very uncomfortable.

Simple1

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then I would have an open discussion with the hostess and elderly relative and come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. If in the end you need to go, offer to help. You said she laughed off your offer, but maybe you can come up with things that will be helpful and practical and offer them firmly. Like grocery shopping, paper goods, bringing matzah and wine, specific house jobs. Some people are not good at delegating.

amother

Gold

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:33 am

I agree with all of watergirls post.
Yes it will be a blow up, and all will move on eventually.
That's doesn't mean you have to spend pesach with a resentful host, and feeling uncomfortable.

Been there done that.

Although by now, years later, I am SO welcome because its not a given that I'll accept being treated that way, but unfortunately DH is refusing to go and I'm really sad.

imaima

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I feel it would be the opposite: you can show her that you see her attitude and that she is being passive aggressive. She might realize that and become friendlier.

Simple1

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:36 am

causemommysaid wrote:

Maybe the elderly relative pressured the hostess to invite another family, hence the resentment. Watergirl's solution to just not go and let things blow over might work.

SixOfWands

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It sounds like you're creating an issue one way or the other. Or, more specifically, that the elderly relative has created the issue.

In reality, I'm not sure how much extra work you're creating for this person. The kitchen has to be kashered, and food cooked whether or not you're there. (Extra expense is a different story. Yes, its more expensive to have you.)

IMNSHO, empathize with your host when you speak to her. Yes, Pesach is a huge amount of work. Yes, its a PITA. Then say something like "I'm so sorry if we're adding to your burden. We would never have come to you, but Granny (or whomever it is) was so insistent, and you said that you needed our help with her over the chag. But my place will be ready for Pesach anyway, so if its too much for you, we'll stay home."

DREAMING

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:48 am

SixOfWands wrote:

This

FranticFrummie

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 11:50 am

Is it possible that the elderly relative is worried that the hostess will not take proper care of her, and that she wants you there as backup? If so, then it would be a mitzva for the elderly one if you go to help her.

Try a conversation with the hostess:

Bubbe asked us to come and stay with you for Pesach, and I get the feeling like you're already overwhelmed. Is there anything we can do to help while we're here? We'd like to contribute, and not make things feel like more work for you. This seems really important to Bubbe, otherwise we wouldn't be imposing like this.

Say this very sweetly and sincerely, in a spirit of wanting peace in the family. If the hostess can't pick up on your vibe, then she's probably made up her mind to be bitter about the whole thing, and you'll just have to realize that she's the one with the problem.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 12:15 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

This.
Not saying you are like the evil SIL in the other thread, but it is reminiscent of the thread where the person’s MIL made her invite the SIL to or was canceling.
Your host is probably already overwhelmed by YT and the guests and honestly did not want you. Maybe she wanted quality time with Bubbe, maybe she feels her house is bursting at the seams, maybe she now feels like she has to cook more and or fancier. Now it is more expensive..... she is allowed to not really want you and not everyone is a great actress. I am sure she is resentful that you will be there, as was our darling OP on the other thread. It is OK. As stated above by FF, be as pleasant and unassuming and helpful as possible.