Something not ok with my 10yr old but she refuses to talk

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Previous 1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 9:17 am

Ask yes or no questions. Start with easy general things. Then tiptoe your way carefully into hotter territory.

Did you have any substitutes that day?
You had your regular teachers?
Did you play with your usual friends?
Did your teacher do or say something mean?
Did your friend do something mean?
Did another girl do something mean?
Did YOU do something mean? (Giggles)

Did anything happen by lunch?
Did anything happen by recess?
Did someone tell you something unusual? (Maybe a friend told her about sx)
Etc. Based on the answers or refusal to answer you’ll get a little closer.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 9:26 am

Sounds like you handled it really well. At this point although you do need to find out what happened , interrogating her is nOt the answer.
Work on the relationship. Feed her love language. Give her special alone time with you so that she feel comfortable and safe. Her love language and what feeds her maybe gifts or icecream or talking about what interests her. Once theres the connection and safety she will be more inclined to share.
Statements that you are there for her with no judgment is more than enough. Questions aren't the way.
Hatzlacha. Hope she finds healing and you continue to be a source of strength for her.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 10:29 am

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Re the bolded - why does OP need to find out what happened? We're not talking about an ongoing change, but a one time event that her dd is upset about now and may be for a few days. I don't think that children need to share everything. Isn't OP telling her dd she is there if she needs to talk enough and can't OP just give her daughter space and let her live? I don't understand why a parent needs to know every detail of a child's life just because she birthed her. Give the kid some space and it will probably resolve itself.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 11:13 am

I make my kids’ stuffed animals “talk” in cute voices with lots of kisses, and my kids open up to their stuffed animals about whatever they’re upset about.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 1:09 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

In general I agree with you.
Sadly , in this age there are too many frightening happenings ( chalila) and I would want to make sure I can rule those out.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 2:26 pm

At that age they can be starting to get hormonal and it might be nothing that serious, like her falling out with a friend and taking it really to heart. My almost 11yo niece burst into tears when her brother said they missed her when they went to the park. She never used to be so moody, we're assuming she's hitting puberty. So it could be something like that.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 2:47 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

In general I agree with you.
Sadly , in this age there are too many frightening happenings ( chalila) and I would want to make sure I can rule those out.

But that wouldn't resolve itself in a few days. Let her be unless the problems persist.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:42 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

But that wouldn't resolve itself in a few days. Let her be unless the problems persist.

I’d love to agree with you.
Unfortunately, from stories of abuse and the victims’ stories of appearing fine....I would look further... All the while hoping to find typical preteen issues.
Hatzalcha

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 10:14 pm

I agree with Ruby.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 10:24 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

But that wouldn't resolve itself in a few days. Let her be unless the problems persist.

This thread got bumped and I realized that according to the OP things have not been resolved and therefore I would encourage attention and focus to understand the behavior. With sincere hope that it is nothing more than normal childhood behavior.
ETA. And that OP can update us with good news of a resolved childhood situation.

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Since then, she is just not herself. She is generally a bit more on the intense side, but this is a bit much for her. She's easily upset and complaining about things hurting. It's just not really like her.
I'm not sure what to do now.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 10:27 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Maybe op should ask a chinuch expert.

amother

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 12:08 am

Hi,

I'm back with more.

First, I want to thank all of you for your input. I read every single reply and appreciated each one. I don't really have anyone irl to discuss this with right now and am so grateful to have this community of women to hear all your perspectives.

I did reach out to her teacher after I posted last night. Her teacher didn't really have much to add. She didn't know why she was upset.

This morning, I walked into my daughter's room and she said, "I'm not going to school today." I innocently said, "Oh, I was just coming to tell you that I'm planning to pick you up at lunchtime today to take you shopping for xyz (which she really has been wanting for some time.)" She was all excited, got out of bed and started to get dressed.

She came downstairs, ate breakfast, packed up her stuff while I'm breathing more easily thinking this can't be that bad otherwise she'd still refuse to go to school. Suddenly, at the time she usually goes out to the bus, she's nowhere to be found. I called her name a few times, no answer. I looked around, she's back in bed. I'm like, deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. I got this. I'm not scared, I can handle it. Deep breaths.

I go into her room, sit down on her bed. I said, "Rivka(not her real name,) I love you so much, I want to help you. Sometimes people find themselves stuck with a problem that seems to big to deal with. I'm here for you, I want to help you. Whatever it is that's bothering you, I promise not to be angry or upset at you, you're not going to be in trouble. There's nothing in the world you can do that will make me not want to help you. I'm your mother and I am perfectly able to protect you from anyone or anything and keep you and our whole family safe. Can you talk about or write down for me what's bothering you?"

I asked a whole bunch of yes/no questions and narrowed it down to something with her teacher, but I don't know what. Then I said, come get up I'll drive you to school.

I drove her to school, picked her up at lunchtime, took her shopping, picked up lunch to eat in the car on the way back. I gave her boatloads of positive attention when she came home too. She was happy, cheerful and pretty much her regular self (maybe a tad more upbeat than usual?) for the rest of the day, did homework without a word of complaint or any negativity toward her teacher, went to bed nicely. She was all sunshine and smiles the rest of the day.

I'm just so confused now. Was it just knowing that I have her back and I love her that helped her pull through whatever it was she was dealing with? Are we gonna be back to square one tomorrow with refusing to go to school?

I have no idea what to think now.

gdgirl

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 12:27 am

Could it be it's her afternoon teacher that is the problem? She was only there until lunch today and so she had a good day....

amother

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 12:31 am

gdgirl wrote:

Could it be it's her afternoon teacher that is the problem? She was only there until lunch today and so she had a good day....

I brought her back to school after lunch and she went happily. I'm pretty sure it's the morning teacher.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 6:49 am

My DD went through something similar with my 8 year old granddaughter.

It turned out in her case that the teacher was very new to teaching, and was struggling with classroom control. There was misbehavior, which upset DGD, a good girl type, there was yelling and "consequences", which upset her more, then, when administration stepped in and helped the teacher work on it, almost all the attention, positive and negative, was going to the troublemakers, and DGD was hardly ever praised. And behaving when nobody else was took strength of character, and her feelings were hurt and her nerves were raw.

Once DD knew what was going on, she could reach out to the teacher and ask her to pay more attention to DGD. And also talk to her about it at home as needed. But it didn't take terribly much to make the class something she could live with.

The year is almost over.

singleagain

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 6:51 am

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

Explain to her that until she is ok, you are not.

Disagree with the bolded. Don't put your happiness in the shoulders of your children. No matter how much it's true, it's too big a burden for anyone to carry.

I was diagnosed with depression in my twenties, and my mom once said "a mom is only as happy as her saddest child" it made me more upset, bc now my depression was hurting my mom but I couldn't magically make myself not depressed, so now I had guilt that my mom wasn't happy.

Don't put the responsibility of your feelings on anyone ever.

gdgirl

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 7:06 am

Oh sorry, OP, I didn't understand that she went back to school in the afternoon.....hatzlacha

ra_mom

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 7:54 am

Keep giving her one on one time. Sit down on the couch to relax, and call her to join you. Touch her on the shoulder as you walk by. Share a story about you as a child. Monitor the situation to see if she's still distressed
Hopefully with time she will feel comfortable to open up.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 8:01 am

Wow, OP you handled that beautifully!

It brought tears to my eyes. If I were your DD, that is exactly what I would need to hear in order to feel safe and happy.

Great job! ⭐

amother

Ruby

Tue, Apr 27 2021, 9:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow. You sound like a wonderful mother and did really well. Keep it up. With tefillos and your approach.
Kol hakovod!!
And it should all be well.

ETA. : Scientific definition of trauma is not about the magnitude of an event its about whether there was support to handle it. So you are doing great as a support for her.

Page 2 of 3

Previous 1 2 3 Next