What age is normal to have the "talk" with a boy

amother

Orange

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 1:48 pm

There should be no "the talk." This should be an ongoing conversation. It should probably start at about 10-11 years old. Intimacy is not the first item on the agenda, growing up, getting an adult body, is.

Here's one book for young teens: https://www.amazon.com/Child-M.....D4Z8/

I wouldn't give it to a kid until 12 or older, but it is a good place to look for what topics to cover and some ways of explaining them.

professor

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 2:02 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

There should be no "the talk." This should be an ongoing conversation. It should probably start at about 10-11 years old. Intimacy is not the first item on the agenda, growing up, getting an adult body, is.

Here's one book for young teens: https://www.amazon.com/Frum-Bo.....HWR4T

I wouldn't give it to a kid until 12 or older, but it is a good place to look for what topics to cover and some ways of explaining them.

Thumbs up

No "the talk"

We are "the nation of the book" and the boys should be learning Chumash and rashi. There should be no secrets in a Torah life.

I hate when teachers "skip" a rashi or an inyan in the Chumash. In Israel the students just read it by themselves and understand the hebrew so who needs teachers anyway

amother

Orchid

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:33 pm

Disagree about not having a special talk. And many in chinuch disagree as well. Your son and his father (if possible) should have a very special talk.

In a very respected boys' elementary school that implements cutting edge teaching methodology and therapeutic techniques with students, the mashgiach (psychologist) pulls each seventh grade (12 year old boy) out of class for a private talk about growing up, his anatomy, and his developing s*quality. Included in the talk is opening the discussion of the mechanics of s*x and the creation of a child, hotzaas zera livatala, and understanding inappropriate material he may encounter on the internet and how to navigate. The mashgiach encourages each boy to feel welcome to confide in him with any concerns or struggles he has in growing up. I feel a father can and should just as easily have this special talk with his son. If done well, the son will feel a closer bond and trust with his father.

I feel discussion of hygiene for an older boy (deodorant, the development of facial and underarm and pubic hair) can begin earlier, but more sensitive topics deserve a feeling of specialness when kedusha and the Jewish way of viewing private, holy things can be presented with the most impact.
Our daughters get a special talk about menstruation and their ability to produce a child in the future, why don't out sons deserve a special talk? It's just one more way to give a child individual attention and validation.

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:36 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

Disagree about having a special talk. And many in chinuch disagree as well. In a very respected boys' elementary school that implements cutting edge teaching methodology and therapeutic techniques with students, the mashgiach (psychologist) pulls each seventh grade (12 year old boy) out of class for a private talk about growing up, his anatomy, and his developing s*quality. Included in the talk is opening the discussion of the mechanics of s*x and the creation of a child, hotzaas zera livatala, and understanding inappropriate material he may encounter on the internet and how to navigate. The mashgiach encourages each boy to feel welcome to confide in him with any concerns or struggles he has in growing up. I feel a father can and should just as easily have this special talk with his son. If done well, the son will feel a closer bond and trust with his father.

I feel discussion of hygiene for an older boy (deodorant, the development of facial and underarm and pubic hair) can begin earlier, but more sensitive topics deserve a feeling of specialness when kedusha and the Jewish way of viewing private, holy things can be presented with the most impact.
Our daughters get a special talk about menstruation and their ability to produce a child in the future, why don't out sons deserve a special talk? It's just one more way to give a child individual attention and validation.

Why are you saying you disagree? You described how the rebbe has a talk. This is what I’m asking about. My son is in 6th grade turning 12 in June. His school doesn’t do this. My husband will talk to him. We have a book that someone published with information to share. I’m just not sure exactly when. I’m assuming before camp this summer is appropriate. Thanks for your post.

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:37 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

There should be no "the talk." This should be an ongoing conversation. It should probably start at about 10-11 years old. Intimacy is not the first item on the agenda, growing up, getting an adult body, is.

Here's one book for young teens: https://www.amazon.com/Frum-Bo.....HWR4T

I wouldn't give it to a kid until 12 or older, but it is a good place to look for what topics to cover and some ways of explaining them.

Book is not available. Thanks though

amother

White

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:38 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

Our daughters get a special talk about menstruation and their ability to produce a child in the future, why don't out sons deserve a special talk? It's just one more way to give a child individual attention and validation.

I honestly didn't necessarily have a special talk with my dds either. They learned about menstruation throughout the years. Obviously when they neared puberty I gave more details, but they knew that women bleed a few days a month before that. The moment they asked about pads/tampons I told them.

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:45 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Strongly disagree with this. Way to late when they are already bleeding! I’ve heard horror stories about girl’s who thought they were dying seeing blood. I don’t understand why parents would withhold info

amother

Orchid

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm saying I disagree with all the posters that wrote not to have one formal, special talk. I think you definitely SHOULD. My son just had his special talk with his father this winter. He REALLY appreciated it, as much in helping him understand himself, as in his connection to his father. There is an organization that gives out a PDF of how to give the "kedusha talk" to a 12 year old boy, based on the school's method I mentioned. It helped my husband organize his thoughts. I forgot the name of the organization, but I will post it when I remember.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

YES before camp this summer. I dont mean to cause anxiety, but it its generally 12 years old when one boy in the group is exposed to [filth] on the internet and introduces it to his class or bunk. If your son is empowered with accurate knowledge and knows exactly what to do when someone presents him with inappropriate material, he will be better able to know how to handle it (that he should discretely report to the Rebbe and his parents) and he won't have the naive curiosity of an unknowlegeable boy.

amother

White

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 3:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Of course way too late when they are already bleeding. You misunderstood what I said. I meant that they knew about women bleeding YEARS before puberty.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 4:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She didn't mean she only give a the info when they bleed. She means she has been talking to them from the time they ask what a tampon or pad is.

I disagree with this as well. I believe children should be introduced to every developmental stage at the appropriate time (within a year or two before they will likely experience it), and not be burdened with knowledge before they are ready for it. I also believe puberty is a special, sensitive time and the perfect opportunity for a special bonding talk between parent and child. But that is my personal opinion. The most important thing is to talk to your children about growing up before they are in puberty.

mha3484

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 4:12 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

Is it this? https://bigtalks.org/ My son is younger (10) and is a very very deep thinker so we have already started talking about different things based on what he learned in chumash, mishnyaos, gemara. Different questions come up and we talk about it as it comes.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 5:03 pm

mha3484 wrote:

The Kedusha Talk: How to speak about Kedusha issues to boys around the age of Bar-Mitzvah https://www.amazon.com/dp/1984.....KBATD

amother

Orchid

Wed, Apr 28 2021, 5:18 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

The Kedusha Talk: How to speak about Kedusha issues to boys around the age of Bar-Mitzvah https://www.amazon.com/dp/1984.....KBATD

Yes, this is the guidance I was referring to. After reading this, I feel that every frum boys school should implement this education in the middle school years, and give out this PDF or pamphlet to the parent body of its seventh grade. I strongly feel it would cut down on the [filth] exposure that has become rampant in our day schools and yeshivas. I think it would help boys protect themselves from molestation as well. Boys need so much education and fortification in this area which is so intertwined with their sense of self. Good for you, Op, for being proactive about your son's emotional development.