When is the norm for a mother-in-law to come visit after giv

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:12 am

I'm just curious to hear from other people. My baby is 2 1/2 months old now. My in-laws live an hour away, but they couldn't find time to visit till she was 6 weeks old. I was a bit hurt, that they didn't care to come earlier to see her and visit. By the time they came, I was already back at work. They also made sure to come after shabbos at 10:30 at night so I have to keep on my kids up to see their grandparents, since they don't see them so often. I'm just curious when the norm is for a mother-in-law to come visit after a baby is born.
For the record, I'm the type that feels really good after having a baby and I crave visitors since I'm so bored.
She did call me 12 hours after the baby was born to say mazel tov, which I found a little off as well.

Eta. They both don't work, and my father-in-law drives. They also managed to go to some people in the family all the time.

tichellady

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:14 am

They sound off but that does not mean they are not well intentioned . Could you or your husband try to communicate what you want more clearly. “ we can’t wait for you to meet the baby, when do you want to come meet her?” Etc

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:23 am

So when I spoke to my mother-in-law on the phone I did say ask her when she's coming she said when she has the time.
I guess I was just feeling hurt since there's certain people in the family that she runs the day they give birth and she took 6 weeks to visit my baby and came so late at night.
I was just thinking about it today, since she asked my husband one more making a kiddush for the baby, and we said in the next few weeks. She started telling us why she probably won't come and how we should make a very small thing so she doesn't have to come. I'm actually planning a very big kiddush. (Only because I happen to really enjoy party planning, so this ends up being my creative outlet, and I love to host)

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:25 am

My mil lives in the same town as me and she visits me in the hospital then doesn’t see my kids for months after. She’s very disconnected and not interested in me or my kids I can’t be bothered losing sleep or being insulted of how she treats me and kids, I just know I can be better. I don’t believe there’s a rule of thumb.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:31 am

I make it not my business to get offended at anything my husbands family does or doesn’t do. That’s for HIM to be offended or hurt. He knows the back story and the Norms and the dynamics. I Never stir the pot with his family; if he brings up any issues or hurts we talk about it but that’s it

amother

Ivory

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:34 am

Sorry you were hurt.
Some people don't want their MILs to come right away.
There is no norm.
Completely individual.
Sometimes there are other factors as well at different times.
Would be DKLZ.
Mazel tov!

(can help to have no expectations, no comparisons, communicate (sometimes through the husband if in laws and vice versa) and be positive and appreciate and in the moment.)

tichellady

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 9:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why do you think they are like that

amother

Linen

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:07 am

My first was born less than a month before a YT, so my in laws just came for YT while we were still at my mothers (I didn’t actually make YT, it was actually super convenient for everyone).

My second is due mid summer, when my MIL is off, so she’s planning on coming for as much of the summer as she can to help with the toddler and visit since she hasn’t seen us in almost 2 years. She’ll be here probably before baby and stay for around a month. (Guest room on a separate floor with its own bathroom).

It depends on your relationship with your in laws and how far away they live. Mine live a full days travel away so when they come it’s for at least a week so scheduling is harder. If it’s an hour or two away they would probably come sooner.

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:27 am

tichellady wrote:

Why do you think they are like that

They play favorites a lot and I try not to have it bother me. Like we will ask to come for yom tov and be told no but then they get annoyed when we don't come. I have invited them many times but they have only come for shabbos twice. Once cuz they were going somewhere sunday and I am closer and once cuz we made a shalom zachor. They have never come when I invited them.
I try not to have it bother me but I find it strange. I am just really upset that she told DH not to make a big kiddush so she wont have to come. I feel.its not their business. If they don't want to come then don't but don't tell me what kind of simcha to make.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:27 am

It sounds a little off. She could have called you or your husband within the first couple days to see if you were feeling up to visitors at that point. 6 weeks sounds extremely long. Honestly if my inlaws did that I would not keep my kids up until 10:30 for them.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:33 am

As a mother in law, I wait until my son tells me I can come. Then he tells me what I should bring in terms of what food dil and him want. Spoils my spontaneity but stops me from infringing on their space.
Other dil welcomes me whenever and I let her know when I am coming. I bring baby clothes and her favorite foods. This is the difference between good and medium good middos. That's my opinion.

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:36 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

When I spoke to her, she asked me how I'm feeling. And did ask me if I was up to visitors. I said yes.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 10:45 am

It's hurtful. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. The thing about the kiddush is especially hurtful. I had a baby nearly six months ago and my ILs are generous and sweet, but it's become glaring that I'll never get the types of visits and treatment as their daughter and grandchildren who live around the corner from us.

When the baby was a couple of weeks old, my little nieces were just leaving with SIL when ILs came to drop off food for me (see? They're generous). They were in a rush so said they wouldn't have time to come see the baby, and handed the food to DH outside. But they stayed outside in front of the house with SIL and niece playing for ten minutes. I went into the garden with the newborn so they could see, but they didn't even come inside the gate, and hardly paid attention, talking mainly to their other two grandchildren. It was hurtful. They haven't been over to visit in months. The only times I see them is when they're at SIL's and we go over, or if we go to their house.

DH keeps saying it's bc our baby is so young. I hope he's right but he might be in denial. What can I do, I'm not their daughter. I know they love our baby, but it's not the same. I'm not complaining, I'm just sometimes hurt and just being honest.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 1:14 pm

If my mom had dils I could totally see her doing this. She grew up with the work comes first, don't bother people and don't impose, which meant over the years we rarely saw her parents, as they are the same.
I live in the same town as my mother and she rarely comes over or inside my house. She would never dream of visiting or calling after a new baby unless I had initiated it. It's always on my terms.
TBH, it's hard dealing with a distant close family member, but I think the opposite, where they're always on top of you with no boundaries, is sooo much harder (which is my mil)