Dd has become very overweight in the past 2 years

amother

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:00 pm

Dd is 17 and a great kid. She’s been steadily gaining weight for 2 or 3 years. It doesn’t seem to be a food related issue, she eats normally. There are some overweight genes on my husband’s side although his weight is normal so I think it’s genetics. Her pediatrician advised her to exercise but she doesn’t. Dd doesn’t want to talk about her weight and gets emotional when I try to talk to her (which I usually don’t).

This year her overall look changed and she looks noticeably overweight (before, she carried her weight well even though she was overweight). She has a double chin and her clothes don’t hang right. I know it sounds mean but her tush looks enormous. When she stands next to my other kids she’s triple or quadruple their width. She now looks fat rather than big boned. Is there anything I can say or do that will make a difference but not hurt her? She’s such a great kid and I don’t want to hurt her but I’m scared about her health and about shidduchim. She’s an amazing girl and I don’t want her to struggle in shidduchim because of superficialities. I already make sure there’s healthy food choices in the house so I’m not sure what else I should be doing to help.

amother

Aqua

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:04 pm

Speaking from experience, just leave her. My mother is amazing and wanted what was best for me. I’ve been overweight all my life. I’ve been constantly nudged about it. So much so that I just had a dream that my mom was nudging me about my weight again....

If you want to go the blood work route and check her thyroid and endocrine system that’s another thing.

amother

Bronze

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:07 pm

You should encourage her to exercise. Emphasize that it is not about weight, it's about health, because that's the truth. Exercise doesn't alone help to lose weight, but overweight people who exercise are much healthier than those at the same weight who don't.
As for weight loss, that is really a lifelong struggle for most people. She needs to see a specialist about that, either to find an underlying medical issue or to address the weight directly.
With shidduchim, all you can do is look for a young man who will love her the way she is.

Chana Miriam S

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:12 pm

I agree that if she is not eating In secret that a full work up SHOULD be done. I also agree that exercise is worthwhile no matter what your size and also in itself not useful for weightloss. But exercise is worthwhile period. BE GENTLE . Your worry, if it comes across as disapproval will be alienating.

If she’s eating in secret, all you can do is let her know you’re an ally and not the opposition.

amother

Jade

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:12 pm

As someone who was overweight as a teen:

Don't say anything. Continue making sure there are healthy food choices and model healthy eating and healthy behaviors, but don't say anything or treat her any differently than your other kids.

She's 17. Trust me, she knows what she looks like. And she probably cares. But the desire to change needs to come from HER. It's her body and her life. And what she needs from you is unconditional love and the knowledge that you think she's beautiful the way she is. You need to stop judging her and you need to see her beauty.

The only exception would be if you think there is an actual treatable medical issue, like a thyroid issue. But it's probably a combination of genes and not eating well and not exercising.

Chana Miriam S

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:21 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

Being overweight in a society that so heavily stigmatizes it (npi) hurts. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely difficult to lose weight and keep it off.

The problem is that overweight generally does mean health problems, if not immediately then compared to normal weight and metabolically healthy people.

It’s valid to care about someone’s health and be supportive. It’s not valid to shame them.

As much weight as I’ve lost and maintained I’m not in a rush to keep losing because I’m metabolically healthy and my doctors are happy. My body feels good and I’m capable of physical activity for ongoing periods and still feeling great. So compared to a person who is metabolically unhealthy at my weight I’m less likely to have health issues but compared to someone who’s never been obese and is metabolically healthy? I’m more likely to have issues. I choose to stay where I am because the adaptations involved in weightloss that can destabilize you so you don’t maintain are boundless.

Still, if we all did everything we could to get ourselves as healthy as we could then the stigma would lower.

There is also a small body of evidence indicating that in some ICU cases, Bmi between 30-40 can cause better outcomes BUT there are limitations. This does not mean being obese should be a goal, it means in some weird situations it can be a benefit, all other things being equal.

amother

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:48 pm

Three years ago when her weight started becoming an issue people told me to keep quiet or I would ch’v cause an eating disorder. Now I wonder if it was the wrong approach. Maybe I should have been more insistent we address the issue. But I didn’t want to hurt her. I know she feels a lot of shame about her weight. Meanwhile she’s very popular, life of the party, kind, responsible, empathetic, and loved by classmates and teachers alike. It hurts me to know she feels bad about her weight when she’s so amazing.

There’s no secret overeating or trauma that I’m aware of. But 17 year olds could hide a lot if they wanted to, I guess.

amother

Bronze

Mon, May 24 2021, 3:50 pm

andrea levy wrote:

Caring is good, but talking about a sensitive issue when not offering real help can actually do a lot of harm.

amother

Orchid

Mon, May 24 2021, 4:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Its sad that we’ve all become so sensitive about weight issues that any discussion about it, even medical, comes across as if we’re passing moral judgment. I wish we could find a happy balance where it’s ok to talk about weight and health without being terrified that we’re going to forever rupture someone’s self image. In a way, we’re perpetuating the stigma. We need to learn how to remove the emotion and keep the discussion. This isn’t practical advice, but just know you’re feelings are legitimate.

amother

Orchid

Mon, May 24 2021, 4:40 pm

andrea levy wrote:

I think overweight does mean health problems. If it’s not causing them, it’s at the very least a symptom of one. Especially if the person isn’t eating a lot. And just because bloodwork doesn’t show anything, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a cause. Most mainstream Bloodwork barely scratches the surface. And genetics isn’t a life sentence, it’s a predisposition, there are many many ways to work around those predispositions, outside of diet and exercise.

lamplighter

Mon, May 24 2021, 4:46 pm

I have disordered eating because of my mother's "help".
I learned to eat in private and binge because I didn't know when I'd next be offered these foods.
I often wonder if I would have the weight issue I do if my mother just let me figure it out on my own. Or had it come from a doctor.

And I am bravely posting under my screen name.

Petra

Mon, May 24 2021, 7:08 pm

Definitely would do a Drs visit for a physical and some labs. It's a little odd that she is the only one in the family that is overweight.

I'm seeing something similar in my youngest daughter. But I know it's from overeating. She just plops down and noshes. The trend started with Zoom school last year. However, I have the same fears about the stigma and unhealthiness. My husbands entire family is overweight and I see how it affects them mentally.

We try very hard to not make weight an issue in our house which is really hard when my DH is 'watching his weight' and on a diet but we do try to have healthy options.

If the hormone levels come back okay, then is there something that the two of you can do together that gets her active? That way she has a little support to start something new. Never too late to instill a healthy exercise routine. Or you could say you always wanted to try "such and such" and get her involved too. Maybe the two of you can do a "mother-daughter" 5K. You don't have to run it. You can walk it. There are races you can do for charity. Or maybe she would like a dance class? Or swimming? Whatever she likes that doesn't feel like a chore that will get her moving.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, May 24 2021, 7:15 pm

As someone who was an overweight teen due to hormonal issues and did not overeat I really resented my parents treating me differently and trying to make me eat healthier than my siblings and miss out on treats. It really affected my body image and wAy I felt out myself. Please don’t keep trying to talk to her. She is aware. She is an adult. It’s not in your control.
A yearly physical is always a good idea .