How would you react - one kid broke another’s prize

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:41 pm

From school? DD got a snowglobe with her picture and a beautiful inscription from school, in honor of siddur play. DS who’s 7 came home from school, not sure why he was upset, and took the snowglobe and smashes into the garbage Sad

I didn’t want to do anything out of anger. Husband said to take daughter to dollar store and buy something special, which is what I did. Now how to punish my son? He’s a pretty impulsive kid .Any and all advice welcome!

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:44 pm

I'd take away something that he loves and is a big deal to him.

causemommysaid

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:48 pm

amother [ Razzmatazz ] wrote:

I'd take away something that he loves and is a big deal to him.

Not sure about this one. I would probably make him give his sister some money to pay for the damage.

amother

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:53 pm

Am I crazy to ask the school for another one tomorrow?

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:55 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Not sure about this one. I would probably make him give his sister some money to pay for the damage.

By taking away something he loves, he'll better understand that gravity of what he did to his sister. At age 7, kids don't really understand the value of money so it wouldn't matter much to him. And what he broke isn't something money can fix.

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Am I crazy to ask the school for another one tomorrow?

You can definitely try your luck.

Goldie613

Tue, Jun 08 2021, 11:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Am I crazy to ask the school for another one tomorrow?

Go for it - I think a lot of schools would buy extras in case something went wrong at their end, so maybe you'll have some mazal.

Good luck! Hug

amother

Valerian

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 12:11 am

amother [ Razzmatazz ] wrote:

I disagree. Doing that teaches him it's ok to take revenge (you did something to your sister so we are doing the same thing back to you)

Teaching him to help "fix" what he did is a much better lesson. Fixing can be writing his sister an apology letter or giving some money towards something special (if the 7 yr old understands the value of money, and a lot of them do) or have him come with you to the school to ask for another one or coming to the store and have him help you buy and make her another one - obviously you can't replace it, but something similar (and discuss together how is sister must be feeling while doing it) and etc....

amother

Tan

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 12:22 am

I’d test the smasher for pandas.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 2:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Am I crazy to ask the school for another one tomorrow?

You can try. It will help the victim, but the smasher might still smash the replacement, and will learn that their actions have no consequences.

Personally I would ask for a new one but make sure the smasher (not the victim) has some kind of consequence. Maybe paying the school for the replacement, maybe losing their own prize, maybe replacing their sibling's prize with something that is precious to them.

smss

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 2:20 am

What are you hoping to accomplish with the punishment?

Letting your daughter feel like "revenge" was had? Deterring him from ever doing it again? Showing him how wrong what he did was? Something else?

And, what do you feel like he was lacking in the moment? Was it the knowledge that it's wrong to break someone else's belongings? Was it impulse control? Was it the skills to deal with big feelings in a healthy way? Something else?

Just some questions to think about before jumping to punishment.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 2:28 am

smss wrote:

All good questions but filling in the skills doesn't automatically mean the behavior disappears. Sometimes people just want to hurt others, they are jealous or angry or woke up on the wrong side of the bed and they want others to feel the same way as them, they don't want others to be happy.

Or even let's say they don't feel that way, it really is just lagging skills. Skills that can take months to teach and in that time the victim is still being hurt and the smasher is continuing to hurt others and it is becoming second nature, and the siblings start to all live on shpilkes. By the time the lagging skills are up to par the relationship is pretty set and you have to work to break the habit of walking by and smashing something (that the child will now say was for no reason, "I'm just used to it").

Also how the child takes punishment vs lack of punishment: For some children the hurt they caused is punishment enough and they won't do it again if they are given the skills not to, and they understand that not being punished means they could've been and got lucky. For others not being punished is seen as acceptance and approval of the action, or an inability on the part of authority to do anything (which means the child is in charge), and the hurt they caused isn't that important to them, so as long as they can get away with it they will do it again and again, and they will only stop when you put your foot down hard and they realize they can't do whatever they want.

Not saying you are wrong, just adding more things for the OP to take into consideration.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:02 am

Definitely try your luck with the school.

For a consequence for DS, I'd suggest that you decide on a cost, either the money that you spent on a new prize, or something else.

1. Consider having DS repay by doing chores to earn that money. Keep it fair, a $6 item shouldn't require a year of dishwashing.

2. Also, have him work on an appropriate apology note to DD. An appropriate and full apology (for anyone of any age) says:

- I did something hurtful

- I understand that you were hurt by it, if someone did that to me, I'd be mad and sad too.

- I realize I shouldn't have done that

- I'm sorry

- Here's what I'm doing to make amends.

3. He needs to come without a fuss to a follow-up with doctor, neuropsych eval, or whatever, to see whether this impulsivity needs to be treated.

amother

Bluebonnet

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:07 am

imasinger wrote:

3. He needs to come without a fuss to a follow-up with doctor, neuropsych eval, or whatever, to see whether this impulsivity needs to be treated.

I wouldn’t make this part of a punishment. It would set a very negative tone for all future work done in this area.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:17 am

I wouldn't call any of it punishment.

It's just the logical consequences.

amother

Blueberry

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:25 am

I think should brainstorm with him ideas of what he can do to make it up to sister (if he comes up with idea, more likely to do it willingly).

tp3

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:36 am

You don't punish a kid who cannot control his compulsions.
That's like punishing someone for being nearsighted and needing glasses.

lamplighter

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:37 am

In our house I just hand the problem back to the smasher.
Look at what you did, look at how upset your sibling is, what are you going to do to make it up to him.
And they have to come up with something tells the person they hurt and they negotiate what feels fair.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:41 am

tp3 wrote:

You don't punish a kid who cannot control his compulsions.
That's like punishing someone for being nearsighted and needing glasses.

Needing glasses doesn't hurt others.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 09 2021, 6:50 am

tp3 wrote:

You don't punish a kid who cannot control his compulsions.

I couldn't disagree more.

Kids with impulse control issues desperately need external structure. Not punishment, but guidance in advance, and appropriate consequence when things go awry.

Teaching a child with impulsively destructive tendencies how to make amends for his actions is a GIFT, not a torture. And one he will need in his life.

Even if there is a diagnosis and treatment available, nothing magically happens overnight. The word "discipline" means loving teaching.

A child who is told, "oh, you couldn't help your impulses, there there" may grow up into an irresponsible, destructive monster, who suffers almost as much pain as he inflicts.

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