Jealous of my friends beauty

imorethanamother

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:07 pm

Wow, OP. You're so introspective and awesome! You really did an incredible job of a cheshbon hanefesh, and it's so inspiring!

What you're really saying is that it's not this friend at all. She's just the symptom of something larger. Mainly, you are having a difficult time with your DH. Do you feel like you don't have his love? Do you feel like your marriage is floundering? Do you feel like if you were prettier, you wouldn't be having these challenges with your husband?

Beauty is a tool. That's all it is. It's a tool that women have to initially attract the relationship they want, and then the beauty stops being the binding force of that relationship, to be replaced by something deeper. Beauty never lasts. The more you try to hold onto it, the more it dissipates. Just look at any of these celebrities. They disfigure themselves to hold onto the impossible. The more you put your focus into things that last, the better your self-confidence will become.

amother

Anemone

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:12 pm

amother [ Hibiscus ] wrote:

I’m pretty sure the op knows jealousy isn’t a good trait. She did come on here as a mother bc she knew it’s not gonna look good if she posts under her screen name ….

yes and I recommended she take a step back from her friend and be a bit distant at the moment because its ugly.

simba

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:53 pm

amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:

Don't be so harsh with OP. I understand her. I understand this is hard for her.

I understand up to a certain point. The whole flirting with the chashier etc .. a bit over the top.

You know the saying '"if you can't make me skinny God, please at least make my friends fat" it's meant as a joke with a little truth but OP seems to really have some deeper issues.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

WOW that was good for me to hear the other side of the story.
I know im wrong yet I hate feeling inferior so Id rather not be around.
My mother in law met her recently at a wedding and called me to stay how stunning she looked. Every compliment is like a dagger for me. This sounds mentally crazy. With my mother in law I know she values beauty on top of other things so thats why that comment hurt. She's currently looking for a girl for her son. She calls dh to discuss suggestions and would many times comment on how pretty or not a girl is. Deep down I think that hurts most. I have a deep sense of fear of loss of connection / relationship. Since dh family talks so much about beauty it makes me feel extremely insecure and vulnerable. Anytime dh mentions her name I literally flare up in rage.

So this post shows that you yourself are aware that its not about your friend but about your relationship with looks. Id say start with exploring that. Its like it keeps coming up in your life as an opportunity to heal and work through it. Especially with your insecurity with your husband and his mother. And now manifesting with your friend. This is your avodah. And its not easy. Hatzlacha

amother

Yellow

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:48 pm

I can totally relate to your feelings. In terms of your relationship with your husband, I would recommend keeping your friend away from him if possible. Not because you are suspecting that something would happen, but why have him staring at her? Nothing healthy about that.

When I had a similar situation with a friend being beautiful (we now live in different cities), I made sure to keep see her outside of the home. My husband is BH very happy with me and my appearance. That said, he has made it clear that it's not helpful to him or our relationship to have other very attractive females around. Especially if they are not super careful with both the laws and *nuances* of tznius. It's not that he's worried something would actually happen between them, it's just that he wants me to be the only woman he is thinking about. And I am obviously happy to facilitate that.

amother

Hibiscus

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:51 pm

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

That’s actually really mature and realistic of him to mention that and be so Intune wirh himself!
I wrote a post yesterday how I went out with my husband to eat and he was staring at the woman up and down and up and down as they were passing by. It’s was the worst feeling in the world Sad

I am Bh blessed with Looks and I try my best for him 🥲

amother

Diamond

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:58 pm

OP, what you said makes so much sense. I can totally understand how this change made you feel this way and it's a really good step to take to acknowledge and discuss it.

Personally it strikes me as a matter of confidence more than looks specifically. We all know people who are just average looking physically but have that air about them that makes them so cool. Your friend got a huge boost of confidence and I would say that's probably a large part of why she is doing well professionally and socially.

For you, the thing to work on is not changing how you look (though you should ALWAYS make an effort to look nice for DH) or trying to impress people, but on growing your confidence. That sort of inner beauty is very attractive.

amother

Anemone

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 7:30 pm

amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:

Don't be so harsh with OP. I understand her. I understand this is hard for her.

I understand her also. Just not the part about bad mouthing her or trying to make her feel uncomfortable in the coffee shop.

amother

Hibiscus

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 7:54 pm

amother [ Grape ] wrote:

Personally I wouldn't want random males looking at me, that's just creepy. Ew.

[b]

Most healthy woman don’t dress for men on the street. The eye ogling has to do with the man and nothing got to do with the passerby ….

amother

Grape

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 8:01 pm

amother [ Hibiscus ] wrote:

[b]

Most healthy woman don’t dress for men on the street. The eye ogling has to do with the man and nothing got to do with the passerby ….

Of course, I'm just wondering why one would be jealous of random men ogling her friend

amother

Gray

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 9:07 pm

just want to chime in here that really our bodies, our looks....they're really all transient.
we're really our souls.
our bodies are clothing for our souls.
just like you remove your coat when you come indoors, we'll remove our bodies when we go to Heaven..
not saying this is easy- I'm also vain about my looks and spend time/money/care into it..and I've also been jealous of people who are skinnier/prettier than me..
but it's good to remember that this is all so temporary really...
what matters in the long term is that you are a beautiful person.
is your friend a beautiful person? then she's a keeper.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:40 am

Hi
Just want to thank all of you for your replies. Even the critical ones were super helpful. I needed validation and also some to set me straight. I don't want to be in this place. I want to be a good friend to her. I understand now what a great helpful forum imamother is. This issue has been bugging me for so long and I couldn't discuss it with anyone. Not even my other close friends who maybe share same thoughts. I was always afraid it'll somehow get back to her.
Dh and his family are very into looks and its something that gets bought up in discussion a lot. Which one of my daughters have stronger features etc. I'm rather average with some below average features too.
I need to go for therapy to help me build my inner self worth. I cant change my looks but confidence I can. Any more tips I'd very much appreciate.
Like someone mentioned I should keep a distance till I feel mentally stronger for her sake. Ill do that in a subtle way..

amother

Petunia

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 3:34 am

Such hard feelings. You sound so self aware.
You also sound like a caring person, you see the problem, and want to fix it, so you can be there for your friend!
A. I think you should tell your husband how you feel. That way he can reassure you that you are perfect for him, and be more conscious not to talk about looks in front of you.
B. Also, pls remind yourself of your good personality traits - those are what really make you successful
C. Im not sure if this is a good idea, would need to be done with sensitivity, but can you talk to your friend about it? Something about how happy you are for her, that things seem to have been going so well for her lately, she looks gorgeous, and you wish you had confidence like hers, as you are going through a rough phase with regard to self esteem?

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 4:12 am

Beauty is a G-d given gift!
Yes we have to look put together, wear make up if we feel like it and it makes us look pretty.
Op train yourself to look at the positive in each person you meet. From experience it helps push away the negative comments. Growing up I've heard a lot of critical comments from my mother about a lot of things and I trained myself to do the opposite. (For example if I went to a wedding instead of noticing a lady who was wearing a dress not flattering for her figure I tried noticing who looked pretty or who had a sheitel nicely styled. Instead of noticing that the snitzel is overdone, try noticing the vegetables are so tasty...)
It will help you notice the good in yourself as well.
There's is so much more to a person than looks! Make it a phone relationship for the next few weeks!
Is she a good listener? Does she give you good advice? Is she funny? Is she easygoing? Is she giving?

amother

Leaf

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 4:41 am

Op I had a similar thing happen to me with my co-worker/friend. I COMPLETELY understand.

A bit different with the details (she’s not Jewish) & she completely transformed her body by being obsessed with working out & she started wearing revealing clothes & was super s€xy.
Men (& women) would come into the office & ogle over her. I felt completely invisible. It was very hard for me to work side by side her. I felt very bad about my own body & self image.
& the bad feelings would stay with me long after I’d go home.

I don’t work with her anymore. I got laid off due to Covid & found another job B’H.
Which is the best thing that’s happened to me.

Thing is, we were friends. & I really liked her. But she just was not good for my self image.
& the only remedy for me was to distance myself from her.
I recommend the same if at all possible.

For all those out there who are telling OP to work on her own self image and/or to put herself in her friends shoes, not all of us can do that. When I distanced myself from her, I was able to get to know myself better instead of being in a very poor head space. It’s helped a lot but don’t think I can work side by side a beautiful person. It’s too hard for me. Maybe I’m shallow, but that’s me.