Jealous of my friends beauty

amother

Natural

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 7:51 am

Op, to improve the way you feel about your looks here are some tips.
(I personally think most people are beautiful, in their own way, and they are given a specific look that suits their specific mission in this world.)

Dress in a way that matches your energy;
If you're the domineering type, wear suits, crisp shirts, bold colors.
If you are the feminine, virtuous type, wear flowy outfits, florals, ovular edges, etc.,

Doing so will be an additional "reminder" of your uniqueness. It will also strengthen your energy. Think wearing a top in the color of your eyes, your presence exudes.

amother

Tan

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 8:30 am

There are drawbacks to either side. Im pretty and thin and don't like the attention I get. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable around men in general. Im self conscious of what I wear to the degree that I don't think I would feel this way if I was not pretty and thin

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 8:55 am

OP it's a waste of time, looks don't last, and competing with others over how you look on the outside is so silly, since obviously Hashem gives each person what they need, and you know 100% that Hashem didn't intend for you to spend your time on this earth obsessing about your outside. Your dh will hopefully mature and stop being focused on looks, but your job isn't to change him. Just don't engage in conversations with him about people's outsides. It's the mark of insecure and superficial people (no offense to dh, I know he was raised this way and I do understand, since my dh's family is sadly like that too). Try increasing the chesed you do and focusing on how you can use your body to do mitzvos and bring more light into the world. Your body is a useful tool but it's just a temporary home for your neshama. Soon enough our bodies are all going to be in the ground with maggots eating them, so we gotta chap arein!

amother

Gardenia

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 10:38 am

OP I so, so relate to you.
Not about this friend in particular, but in feeling so connected to and so bad about my looks.
Objectively I am perfectly average looking. Do you know that when I go to a simchah, I spend my time looking around at all the beautiful women and compare myself to them, and feel so so bad? I was literally at a wedding this week, I couldn't have looked so objectively terrible because like I said my features and figures are all perfectly average, and I had spent time on my makeup / wig / was wearing an expensive dress... but I felt so so miserable about myself all the way home. Before we left I stopped to use the restroom and I just stared at myself in the mirror and thought 'you ugly girl.' It's awful. I wish wish wish I was beautiful.

daagahminayin

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 10:56 am

OP, I applaud you for being so self-aware and it clearly pains you that you have these unwanted feelings towards your friends. This is the challenge Hashem gave you right now and you are really working on yourself.

You could feel bad about being jealous of your friend until the cows come home, but that’s not necessary going to stop the feelings. It might just compound them with guilt.

From my experience, the best thing to do when you are feeling jealous is to fall in love with yourself. Learn more about how unique you are, contemplate how Hashem has given you absolutely everything you need to fulfil the mission that He wants you to do in the world - and no one else can do it.

It’s not about your friend right now, it’s about you. Give yourself the love you need and deserve, fill up your own cup, recognize the special traits you have and the goodness you bring just by being here.

My experience is that when I have that core of self-love, as well as feeling Hashem’s love for me, I don’t feel jealous (and I have felt jealous a lot).

sneakermom

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 11:57 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

This is so brilliant. Yes. Own your looks. Go with your nature. Be a strong you. That’s real beauty.

Also I think I would also crumble in an atmosphere where everyone’s looks is taken apart and analyzed. It’s toxic in my opinion.

Everyone is beautiful in their unique way. They’re not pieces of meat to be dissected and rated according to usda standards.

It’s ugly to do that. Think about it.

I agree about going for some therapy to help you own who you are. No matter what.

You go girl! This will be an opportunity for healing and growth.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:41 pm

all your responses have been SO SO helpful THANK YOU.
Like one of you mentioned it just wasn't good for your self image being around her.

My friend was extremely busy recently with a family simcha and was unable to spend time
with me.
Looking back I did lots of healthy choices in that time. I didn't compare myself and generally felt good. Was dieting and spending time doing productive things. Now that shes back I find myself feeling insecure about my image, especially around dh. Its crazy how the mind can play games. She hasn't done anything directly yet her presence feels threatening to my being. My whole self worth plummets.

Just put down the phone from her when she was telling me a story of how her sister backed out suddenly from going on vacation with her. She said she has a feeling cos her sister probably doesn't like it that her bil talks a lot to her.
I found myself feeling a sudden discomfort in the conversation and loosing focus on what she was saying. I realized this comment felt like a threat. I managed to center myself again and focus on listening and being a good friend.
She does a lot of commenting here and there how some woman don't want her around their spouse. I think that bothers me too. Shes aware of it and likes to share these remarks.

allthingsblue

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is getting weird honestly.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I feel really bad for her. But I also would not want my husband around her. Especially going on vacation.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:51 pm

Right. The dynamics have changed. She is not so innocent.

She obviously likes flaunting her body to married men and causing the women to feel insecure.

Keep her far from your husband ! She's trying to get his attention. And she enjoys it too.

I'm saying this, as a tall, pretty, thin woman. (As I've been told so often) But I know how to behave, I'm the SIL who barely barely chats to my Bils. Just the bare minimum. I stay very low key at my parents in law's home.

No need to be the prettiest AND the most charming. No need to make the other heavier women feel bad. No need to attract more attention from the men than necessary.

Some of you may not agree but I think it's the best way.

amother

Tealblue

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She does a lot of commenting here and there how some woman don't want her around their spouse. I think that bothers me too. Shes aware of it and likes to share these remarks.

Are you sure she's not hinting that she senses you're uncomfortable around her?

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 2:09 pm

Exactly exactly to all the above replies. I'm beginning to realize that shes not so innocent and its not only about her looks. She hasn't made such a comment for a long time but now that shes mentioned it and I'm trying to see whats really bothering me, I put down phone and thought I need to share this to see how I'm supposed to be reacting to this.
I was calling her toxic friend in my mind the last few months but then blamed it on my insecure nature. Now I feel its okay for not feeling good around her. And yes to the post above that maybe shes trying to hint, I never thought about it. Coming to think of it she recently mentioned that she can never just pass by uninvited cos I panic and excuse myself so much and she doesn't like that.

amother

Papayawhip

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 2:12 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

This is so beautiful. You really inspired me. I am average pretty but I know I can be charming/smart and my BILs talk to me all the time. I will make the effort as you do. You are so right. Also, I never knew winterberry was a color.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 2:15 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

I know im really impressed with you too! Kol hakovod!

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 2:17 pm

I think that your self-esteem and the health of your marriage come before this relationship, which doesn't seem to be healthy... It's interesting that she is really enjoying attention from other married frum men... I use the word interesting instead of lots of other words that could be used in that spot which are more negative.

I am just curious if she is married? You have not mentioned anything about her marriage not that it's any of our business

amother

Moccasin

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 2:17 pm

I kind of feel pity for your friend. It’s like those people who win the lottery and go a little crazy. She has never been skinny in her life, probably always plagued with insecurities, and suddenly, whoohoo. She feels like she’s on top of the mountain. She may be toxic or she may be going through an intoxicating high, an adjustment, and she will soon land on her feet, still skinny, but a new normal. You know? But you have to figure out how you want to deal with her. Stand close to her and keep strong or wait for her from a distance. Either way, op, don’t let yourself be crushed. Look out for yourself. Love yourself. Be strong.