Dd 16 don’t want to help at home that no friends do

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:30 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I'm not convinced kids need chores. My kids don't have chores (oldest is 18). If I need something done I ask for a volunteer. Usually someone responds.

Same here.
The trash gets taken out by a volunteer , and sometimes the volunteer is me or dh.
Same with everything else that needs to get done.
"Who wants to make the cholent this week?"
"Who feels ike washing dishes today?"

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:44 pm

When I was young, my parents lived in a different country and we could afford cleaning help basically every day. Then we moved (back) to the States and didn't have a cleaning lady anymore (I was maybe 9). Well, no one really clued me in. No one taught me how to clean up. They just complained that I never did. One day when I was 11 or 12, my parents asked me to do the laundry. I said I didn't know how. They said, how do you not know! But really no one had taken the time to teach me.

Basically it was a big change from what I had grown up with. When I got married, I had a huge learning curve and I felt embarrassed by my MIL (who likes things obsessively clean). I had a lot of arguments in the beginning (even still now sometimes) over chores with my DH. So OP... Do your DD a favor by gently teaching her how to do chores/run a household/etc. Don't be upset if she is resistant. Do like Keym said:

keym wrote:

Rephrase it.
DD you're getting big now. I'm going to start teaching you this summer how to run a house and do chores.
Here's a list of 15 chores. Pick 3 or 4. And over this week, we'll work on it.
It's not about "needing her help" as much as "wanting her to learn how to work with a family and take responsibility"

nchr

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:49 pm

Zehava wrote:

Were doing just fine without chores. I just say something like “I can really use some help unpacking this order can you help me”?

I don't have official chores either but it is physically impossible for me to do things without some of my children helping out. Sometimes it isn't age appropriate, but I'm conscious enough that it shouldn't be entirely unfair.

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:50 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

What does it mean you never had her help? She never helped put away laundry? Set the table? unload the dishwasher? (How can that be? My 6 year old does all these things) Or are you talking about cleaning the toilets or doing grocery shopping or making dinner? (Which is also ok I’m just curious what you’re referring to)

No never except when she on her own started organizing her room.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:51 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I'm not convinced kids need chores. My kids don't have chores (oldest is 18). If I need something done I ask for a volunteer. Usually someone responds.

Same. We don't have chores either. I don't see it as necessary for learning how to run a house ( I never had chores and I learned just fine. So it took a year or two. Dh and I learned together, and the house runs just fine now. Doing laundry and cooking basic meals is not rocket science).

I encourage my kids to invest most of their time in school. That's the most important job they have right now, and it takes up A LOT of time.

Things like clearing the table or tidying their own rooms was never a chore - it was just obvious (well, ok, not all of them tidy their rooms, but because they have their own room I just ignored it. Their space, their problem. The girl who was messiest is now the tidiest adult).

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:52 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

16 is close enough to seminary. I'd start with having her do her own laundry. Tell her she needs to be able to do it to go. It's a nice one because you don't need a reward or consequence- either she has clean clothes or doesn't. Once she has that, you can work in other things, but she'll already be used to doing a chore.

She just turned 16. She has another two years of high school

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:53 pm

Zehava wrote:

Seems she was an only child for most of her life and now suddenly since you had two more kids you’re expecting her to pitch in.
Do you have a good relationship overall?
I’d communicate with her like an adult if yes.
Just be frank, state an observation of things that still have to be done, that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, and ask what she thinks she can do to pitch in.
Issuing commands will backfire

She is a teen with all the issues so it’s difficult

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:56 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

There's a way to do this without shaming or blaming her.

How do you ask for help?

If you want to share it here, I can try to help you say it in a way that could be easier for her to hear.

Can you organize the play room please. After she complained that’s it’s messy and she said it’s not her job she is not the mother.

Success10

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is a teen with all the issues so it’s difficult

Is she constantly moody and at odds with you? Or just occasionally? Because if you have a really strained relationship right now, I don't know if it's such a good idea to start trying to get her to help at this point in time.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is a teen with all the issues so it’s difficult

So I wouldn't force it. Lots of teens arent' that helpful anyway. A 16 yr old who was never taught to help out isn't suddenly going to become a great help just because you asked it of her.

You can encourage here and there, but don't count on it and don't make a fight out of it. You will need to run your household without her help, as you have been doing up till now.

It is not worth the battle at this stage. (Again, I would gently try. I would start with 'fun' stuff, like maybe creatively setting the table or baking a fun cake. But I wouldn't push it).

If you need more real help, look elsewhere. Is dh doing his fair share? Can you hire help?

Zehava

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you organize the play room please. After she complained that’s it’s messy and she said it’s not her job she is not the mother.

There seems to be more beneath the surface here

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you organize the play room please. After she complained that’s it’s messy and she said it’s not her job she is not the mother.

As a 16 yr old, I wouldn't be happy about organizing my little siblings' mess either. That's not a good chore to ask of her.

Yes there are 16 year olds that are like little mini-mothers or Martha Stewarts and run around doing everything around the house, and happily too. I know a few like that. But most 16 yr olds are NOT that type.

Now if she complains it's a mess, just tell her that you are not up to cleaning it right now, and she can either organize it herself or ignore. Not to complain. She shouldn't be giving you directions what to clean (is she embarrassed if friends come?)

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:03 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

I have a housekeeper but the organizing part we need to do because she doesn’t do it right. It looks like I will just try to ask her to help organizing when it looks like she has time. I can’t change her now.

Zehava

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There is some issues but not major. She just doesn’t want to do the work and say anything to get away with not doing it.

Then let it go. Not worth destroying your relationship over it at this age.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You aren't going to get a reluctant 16 year old to organize little kids' toys. I can totally see many teens thinking that is not their responsibility at all.

avrahamama

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you organize the play room please. After she complained that’s it’s messy and she said it’s not her job she is not the mother.

That's the tough part. Getting her to help with messes that are connected to the babies. She does not want to feel like a second mother or second to them.

So I tell my son. I need to straighten up the toys and put away the dishes. Which do you want to do?

Also he doesn't have set chores. It's more like ok Imma now is my 15 min to help what do you need me to do. Sometimes he will notice on his own and offer. Sometimes he will notice something big and barter.

Also. She doesn't really know what her friends do and don't do. It's not appropriate to compare our lives to others in any case. Even the wealthiest people I know (and it's amazing shefa and Bracha) have their children do things to help. Some don't expect anything from their boys and that drives me nuts.

Also excuse me if I'm intruding ... Are these new babies from a second marriage? Or just a large age gap? My brother is from a second marriage and I didn't feel like we were much of a family growing up. I was just a very convenient teen living in the house.

So maybe you need to work on that too.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you organize the play room please. After she complained that’s it’s messy and she said it’s not her job she is not the mother.

Her doing the work while complaining is still a win. She's not going to like housework, but she doesn't have to. I mean I'm much, much older than 16 and still hate housework... She just has to know it's part of life and how to do it.

In a situation like this I'd say, 'ok, so pick a different job. There's also X, Y, and Z, which do you prefer?'

Kids have a natural resistance to doing chores that involve cleaning up after their siblings. The more that you can find jobs for her that directly benefit her, and that would have to be done even if she didn't have siblings, the better.

One benefit of giving her a whole long list of chores to choose from is that it emphasizes how much she isn't doing. It's easier to whine at 'you have to do a chore' than 'ok, so the things that need to be done this evening are cooking dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, doing the dishes, wiping down the floor, and folding the laundry. Pick the one you prefer, I'll do the rest.'

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:10 pm

avrahamama wrote:

Also excuse me if I'm intruding ... Are these new babies from a second marriage? Or just a large age gap? My brother is from a second marriage and I didn't feel like we were much of a family growing up. I was just a very convenient teen living in the house.

So maybe you need to work on that too.

Yeah, this ran through my mind too. Even if they are all from the same marriage, a teen probably has mixed feelings about the little ones after she was an only child for so many years. I'm sure she loves them incredibly, but she also likely feels some jealousy. Organizing their toys isnt' at the top of her list.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:15 pm

I'm definitely on team 'kids should do chores.'

Partly because it's a basic life skill. I've seen 18-year-olds who don't know how to sweep. 22-year-olds who can't cook anything more complicated than ramen. Don't let that be your kid.

But also because, speaking of the parent-child relationship, I think 'mom kills herself doing everything while kids rest' is an inherently not-great relationship. I'm all for letting kids be kids, and yes, if my teens have a big test coming up or something I'd take over most of their chores. But on a normal day, kids helping on an age-appropriate level is good for all involved.