My daughter's first job post school - what to do with her $?

Another mom

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 3:46 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

I don’t understand babying kids. If you talk to them openly about what things cost they can appreciate setting aside the money that will help them get what they want. Why on earth should post high school kids live a childish self centered life? We work hard to pay mortgage utilities food etc., they’re lucky that they’re in a stage of life where they don’t have those expenses, so let them chap arein and save as much as they can for expenses on the horizon while their expenses are low! It makes a person feel capable and competent to contribute. My dd is paying a significant part of her seminary costs by having saved up money for it and working hard several summers, because this was important to her. After seminary she’ll be saving to help with chasuna expenses and maybe building a nest egg. She feels proud that while she was in high school she planned ahead and took a course that taught her an in demand skill that will IYH give her a good starting salary after she comes back from seminary. Some of her friends are just waiting around for life to start. She isn’t.

It's one thing to ask to help pay for seminary-- so expensive!- and another thing to ask for money for utilities. Please don't ask such a young child to pay for that, she may resent it her whole life and you will feel sorry. Instead, ask her to help around the house or with young siblings if there are.

Teomima

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 5:42 pm

I don't understand why this is even a question. It's her money. She's earned it. I would be livid if my parents thought they had the right to my own money that I earned as a teen/young adult. I'm sorry you have financial problems but that's not her fault. Give her a chance to set herself up for a better financial future than the one you have created for yourself. Encourage her to save, maybe even invest. But at the end of the day it's her money and you do absolutely nothing with it.

amother

Brown

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 9:53 pm

amother [ Ebony ] wrote:

I worked straight out of h.s. as a teacher and I gave my $108 weekly check to my parents.

Got married with zero money to my name.

When dd began to work at minimum wage I didn't dare ask her to contribute. I still had the taste of my own childhood in my mouth. I wish my parents had handed me back my money and told me to keep/save it.
They were poor and I felt bad for them.

Now dd earns very well (21 yrs old, earns over 50k net annual), and when we had a discussion about the possibility of her contributing, she was very clear about not wanting to contribute, so I let it go. Not worth straining our relationship over this. Even though I have 50k in debt and do not make ends meet. She's not responsible for me, unless and until she chooses to be. Iy'h she'll have her own children to be responsible for, why burden her now.

I'm on your dd's side, and want her to keep her money for her own use. She's working for it, so I think it's only fair that she gets to decide what to do with it. If she would want to give it to me I would thank her very much and I would nicely decline to take it.

Why would you think its a normal request to ask your daughter to contribute?
I'm still not really understanding this mindset its so foreign to me.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:03 pm

Just the other day my coworkers at work were discussing this. majority of them said they take their daughters money that she makes before marriage and use the money for the wedding and if it's a nice amount then support for the first year.
I asked them what they use for their sons wedding expenses and they were horrified I'd even ask "how should he have money he is busy learning torah!!"

It's very odd to me that a girl should have to hand over her money because she works. Let her save up her money and go into marriage with it. I went into marriage with around 50k. My parents paid for the wedding expenses like they would do for both sons and daughters alike. I paid for anything to set up our home with money from wedding presents and still had tons of money left over because I got good deals and not those luxury packages I see advertised

amother

NeonGreen

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:04 pm

I think there are a lot of different issues being conflated.

If a child is working and living at home, they are now paying for all of their living expenses. Most parents don't expect them to pay for room and board. That is generally a lot of money that the parents are saving if the child is now paying for clothing, meals out, entertainment expenses etc. If there are truly out of pocket expenses that are being paid for the child like a premium on health insurance then the child should also be responsible for paying for that amount out of their earnings but if they are working they might have their own insurance plan.

I mean realistically what are you planning to charge them for anyway for the use of a bed and a few meals. Were parents planning to take in a boarder when the child left? Certainly most parents would not expect them to contribute to the finances of the parents like it was 100 years ago when parents put their children to work in the factory or put them in service. Sad

It is NOT the child's duty to support the family - it is now the time for the child to prepare for adulthood which means having money to support themselves as well as having the ability to start saving for the future.

I do think the parents should take the opportunity to really discuss finances with the child. This would include a frank discussion of what kind of wedding the parents could afford so the child doesn't have unrealistic expectations.

It would also be important to discuss long term economics in terms of studying for a career and having realistic understanding of what kind of salary one earns in various professions; exactly how much it takes to support a family in relative middle class expectations. And the child should be given help if necessary in working out a budget and saving for a goal - ideally that would include saving for education that would help them towards a lucrative and personally satisfying career.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:39 pm

I'm saving up money for desperately needed hearing aids.

DD said that at her next paycheck, she was going to send me money.

My heart broke. 💔 Crying

No way do I want to take her hard earned money! I'd rather keep saving for myself, even if it means that I can't get them for another year. She just turned 18, and she has her whole life ahead of her. She needs to be budgeting, saving for college, and doing all those adulting things.

I could never accept, no matter how much she wants to help. It just feels so wrong.

amother

Wandflower

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:39 pm

My parents took all my money before my wedding to pay for the wedding expenses. I didn’t blame them, but in hindsight I feel bad for myself that I didn’t have a single dollar left for myself. I never allowed myself to spend an extra dime while DH was in kollel and it would’ve been nice to have my savings as backup. Bli neder I’ll try really hard not to take my kids’ money. Hashem shouldn’t put me into that nisayon...

amother

DarkRed

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:42 pm

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

I understand what you mean here but halachically it was never your money and your kids monry isn't theirs. You can be nice and give it to them as a gift but its not a nisayon. Discuss with a rav.

amother

Lightyellow

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:43 pm

amother [ Ebony ] wrote:

Because of an eviction notice. I didn't pay my full rent for three months so my landlord filed for eviction.

You can borrow the money from your daughter if she agrees.
A better idea would be to borrow from a friend or gemach though.

If your daughter wanted to pay rent with her money, she may as well find her own apartment and have her full independence.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 2:58 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wandflower

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 10:45 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

I understand what you mean here but halachically it was never your money and your kids monry isn't theirs. You can be nice and give it to them as a gift but its not a nisayon. Discuss with a rav.

My kids are not at that working stage yet and I know my parents did nothing wrong halachikally. I still hope I won’t have to do it. I’d love for them to be able to keep their hard earned money.

amother

Winterberry

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 11:03 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Yes you were a child.

And from your style of writing, you could have benefited from that last year of schooling.

#1 I finished school, thank you very much!
#2 if you had a drop of imagination you would realize that not everyone on imamother was born and raised in America
#3 bh not everyone around me thought like you because I wasn't a child and I'm very happy with the life I have!! If I had to do it all over again I would .
But I understand some ppl are not mature enough! I see 25yr old getting married around me that can't hold a full time job and need to eat every other shabbos by parents or in laws....

singleagain

Sat, Jul 03 2021, 11:30 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I'm saving up money for desperately needed hearing aids.

DD said that at her next paycheck, she was going to send me money.

My heart broke. 💔 Crying

FF, in this case when a child offers, and it's not her whole paycheck, it might be wise to accept. When I can give my mother something, it makes me so happy for her to accept it. Even more so with my own money

But to stress this is when it's my own choice and in fact if she would ask, I would resent it terribly.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:03 am

I grew up with my parents having absolutely no money.. they barely scraped by.
I babysat from a young age, used my money for extra clothing, things I wanted. When I started a real job, I continued doing that. But my parents NEVER asked me to contribute to the house or paying their bills or debts, and I wouldn’t dream of asking my own children to do the same.
Bh, now as adults, we are financially stable, and at this point in our lives we’ve been able to help our parents out when needed. But a child, in their first job, no way! Let her enjoy her new found freedom, try to teach her responsibility and how to save, but please don’t take her money from her. Sorry!

jerusalem90

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:04 am

My 9th grade teacher was an amazing person and he told us he got his first job at 13 and used the money to help his single mother pay rent and feed him and his little brother. BUT he knew before he took on the job that that's where the money would go, and that gave him a sense of pride.

Totally different than if a teen gets a job thinking they'll get to keep the money then SURPRISE! parents take it all. That would usually cause resentment rather than pride.