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I'm the worst mother. 3yo cursing.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:49 pm
I want to crawl into a hole.

My 3yo son picked up on the f-word from hearing me say it in my lowest moments. For some reason it helped me cope when I was dealing with PPD/postpartum rage.
I have been so careful not to say the word in front of him for a while now, but the damage has been done.

He uses it with startling accuracy and has been saying it more and more often as time passes. For a while he only said it in front of me, but he finally started saying it in front of my husband, who is shocked that he knows the word, as we never curse (we are yeshivish)! I act shocked as well, as I am not about to admit that this is a monster of my creation.

He started using it at my in-laws' house (my MIL has been watching him this summer) embarrassed
She first took the approach of ignoring it, but when it became more frequent, she tried to explain that this is not something we say.
We tried the same as well, and it has accomplished nothing. Even worse, his 2yo sister has started copying him.

I am beyond mortified and at a complete loss as to how we can stop this. I've failed at such a basic thing and I feel like I have ruined a part of my child's innocence forever.

He is going to start school in September and this needs to stop before that! We can't have him corrupting other young children (that is truly my main concern, even more than the embarrassment it would cause to myself).

What should we do???
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rubyred




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:52 pm
Timeout for three minutes every time. With an explanation that the word is not refined and we do not say that word ever.
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chanatron1000




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:53 pm
Making too big a deal out of it can reinforce the behavior. It teaches him that this word gets attention.
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:53 pm
The only thing you can do is to really mind your language extremely well. Try talking only in a nice way and don't use any not nice words, even if they aren't swear words per se. Either ignore him and don't react when he says the word or you can say in a calm voice "let's try to only talk nicely and only say nice words.".
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:54 pm
rubyred wrote:
Timeout for three minutes every time. With an explanation that the word is not refined and we do not say that word ever.


A child should not be punished for behavior they learnt from their parents. That's not right.
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chanatron1000




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:55 pm
In what context does he use the word? Does he drop it casually into sentences? Does he use it in anger? For emphasis?
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rubyred




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 8:59 pm
amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:
A child should not be punished for behavior they learnt from their parents. That's not right.


I don’t agree. The parent isn’t using the language on a regular basis like the child. There is nothing wrong with admitting guilt and telling the child it will not be tolerated from now on.
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:01 pm
rubyred wrote:
I don’t agree. The parent isn’t using the language on a regular basis like the child. There is nothing wrong with admitting guilt and telling the child it will not be tolerated from now on.


The child leart the word from his mom, the mom should be punished. It's just not right to punish a child for behavior they're seeing by their parents.
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rubyred




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:04 pm
amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:
The child leart the word from his mom, the mom should be punished. It's just not right to punish a child for behavior they're seeing by their parents.


How exactly are you going to punish the mom? Smile
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:05 pm
I think you should apologize to your son for using this word. And work and replacement words.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:05 pm
someone might tell you to soap his mouth but don’t do that. Ever. Never but especially not when it’s learnt behavior. The only real way to get rid of this is to ignore it completely and model good behavior. He’s little enough to forget the word completely if he doesn’t use it for a week or two.
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amother




Yolk
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:10 pm
First of all- please don’t beat yourself up! Kids hear these things one way or another and even if you never said it it could easily have made its way into his vocabulary!

Literally the perfect example that just happened to me today- I was out with my 2 and a half year old son in target, when a really rude woman got upset at me for blocking her way. I moved and apologized but she cursed at me loudly, using the f-word. Later in the afternoon my son said it! I was so shocked and upset but I figured no point, what’s done is done and now I just deal with it. I just had to try to explain to him it’s not a nice word to say (of course, easier said than done)

The point is, please don’t be so hard on yourself! Yes you can use this as a lesson to try to tone down the cursing if it bothers you, but don’t feel so guilty. It doesn’t change how good of a mother you are and you definitely didn’t destroy his innocence!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:13 pm
chanatron1000 wrote:
In what context does he use the word? Does he drop it casually into sentences? Does he use it in anger? For emphasis?


He uses it in anger. That is the context in which he learned it...
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:14 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
I think you should apologize to your son for using this word. And work and replacement words.


What do you mean by this?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:16 pm
Stars wrote:
someone might tell you to soap his mouth but don’t do that. Ever. Never but especially not when it’s learnt behavior. The only real way to get rid of this is to ignore it completely and model good behavior. He’s little enough to forget the word completely if he doesn’t use it for a week or two.

I am modeling good behavior, I haven't said the word in a couple of months. How will he just forget the word? He clearly remembers it even though it's been a while since I said it in front of him... He is really smart and has a memory like a steel trap.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:18 pm
amother [ Yolk ] wrote:
First of all- please don’t beat yourself up! Kids hear these things one way or another and even if you never said it it could easily have made its way into his vocabulary!

Literally the perfect example that just happened to me today- I was out with my 2 and a half year old son in target, when a really rude woman got upset at me for blocking her way. I moved and apologized but she cursed at me loudly, using the f-word. Later in the afternoon my son said it! I was so shocked and upset but I figured no point, what’s done is done and now I just deal with it. I just had to try to explain to him it’s not a nice word to say (of course, easier said than done)

The point is, please don’t be so hard on yourself! Yes you can use this as a lesson to try to tone down the cursing if it bothers you, but don’t feel so guilty. It doesn’t change how good of a mother you are and you definitely didn’t destroy his innocence!

Thank you for your kind words... I know it is always a possibility that our kids will pick up on these things, but still, I should have stayed on a higher standard than some lady at Target. (And how is it that we don't hear these people's kids walking around cursing at age 3?)
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lk1234




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:23 pm
I would take a strict behavioral approach and that is: tell him once that we don't use that word and then total ignoring if he uses the word which looks like you walking away, not talking about it, moving along your day as if nothing happened. Best is if all adults act this way to him. At the same time and most importsnt is to Continually giving tons of Positive attention in general for all good behaviors.
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:23 pm
rubyred wrote:
How exactly are you going to punish the mom? Smile


Exactly, which enforces my point to not punish the child for doing something they learnt from their parents.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:24 pm
All of you who are beating up OP and saying that we can’t punish the child ans instead we should punish the mother arnt making any sense. Op admits she did something wrong and had done teshuva by modeling good speech for several months and the child is still saying the word. Right now we want to get the kids to stop doing it. How is punishing the mother going to help??? At this point I think the child needs to be punished if he continues using the word even after he was told that he shouldn’t be seeing it. Age 3 is old enough to know that if your mother tells you multiple times not to use a word and you continue using it then consequences will follow. You bet if his Shabbos treat is taken away after using the word then he won’t be so quick to use it.
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for your kind words... I know it is always a possibility that our kids will pick up on these things, but still, I should have stayed on a higher standard than some lady at Target. (And how is it that we don't hear these people's kids walking around cursing at age 3?)


Sure we do hear them cursing, my little latina neighbors use curse words as a regular part of their language.
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