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I'm cried out this year

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 9:38 am
It feels like too much at this point. Covid, and all the difficult things that came and still come with it, both related to people being sick and dying and to the sometimes catastrophic effects of the isolation and all the changes. Riots. Meron, Givat Zeev and Surfside. Life. Honestly, it feels like Lag Baomer was already Tisha B'av, and all the videos and shiurim are things I've been hearing and reading since then. And even before, dealing with covid, and the all the things that fell apart for my kids.

I don't have the energy to immerse myself in sadness or mourning today. I've been fighting for so long to not fall into it, to keep going. When life is hard every day, I get through by finding and grabbing and focusing on the joys. I am trying to do today right, and according to halachah. But it is too hard. The flashbacks are too soon. And it's all too much or too numb. There's no koach ha'tefillah coming from it- there's just nothing.
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amother




Topaz
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 10:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It feels like too much at this point. Covid, and all the difficult things that came and still come with it, both related to people being sick and dying and to the sometimes catastrophic effects of the isolation and all the changes. Riots. Meron, Givat Zeev and Surfside. Life. Honestly, it feels like Lag Baomer was already Tisha B'av, and all the videos and shiurim are things I've been hearing and reading since then. And even before, dealing with covid, and the all the things that fell apart for my kids.

I don't have the energy to immerse myself in sadness or mourning today. I've been fighting for so long to not fall into it, to keep going. When life is hard every day, I get through by finding and grabbing and focusing on the joys. I am trying to do today right, and according to halachah. But it is too hard. The flashbacks are too soon. And it's all too much or too numb. There's no koach ha'tefillah coming from it- there's just nothing.


OP, I feel exactly the same. Word for word, OP...word for word. Not an ounce of energy for any Tisha b'av videos this year. I used all my tears on Meron and Surfside. Sobbed for days and any time I read the news. (And all the suffering that people endured from covid, and getting locked out of Israel. I'm done.)

Just enough for Yoel Gold. That's it.
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amother




Pansy
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 10:43 am
SAME
it’s been tisha baav for the past few years and more recently with all tragedies. I’m numb at this point. Cried out, dried out. Only Moshiach can help us.
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Seeking Peace




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 10:44 am
Same here. So much tragedy and pain. So many tears. Fighting every day to keep my mood up and my head above water.
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 10:46 am
with this sentiment too. while I can and do still cry today and other days, I'm also (secretly) kind of angry and I feel sooo guilty about it. Like Hashem can change all this in a second if He wants to.
so why doesn't He?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:10 pm
So I went to listen to Rabbi Breitowitz over at Ohr Sameach, because I needed to feel I did something, and I have always connected to his style and realness. And he talked about this, but in a different way. It was kind of validating. He said that normally, we don't get what it means to not have a beis hamikdash, but maybe, now, with all of this, we do. At least more than usual.

So here's where I'm at. If Tisha B'av, and the nine days, and the three weeks are all set up to help us get there and into the feeling, I think I'm yotzei. Hashem knows. He knows that my tears came on different days this year, my resolutions, all the kabbalos and tefillos I took on through websites and WhatsApps, some of which I'm still working on. I'm not violating halachos today, but if the other stuff isn't there, He gets it. He has to, right?

It's like when, in general, I have no koach to daven because I'm talked out and cried out. And I believe that Hashem knows that when I get up in the morning and do my day, that's my avodah. It's hard enough. It's the doing that says I'm still in it, even if I don't feel it right then. Isn't that what our religion tells us?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:14 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
with this sentiment too. while I can and do still cry today and other days, I'm also (secretly) kind of angry and I feel sooo guilty about it. Like Hashem can change all this in a second if He wants to.
so why doesn't He?


Yeah, I get this. I figure if I keep plugging no matter how angry I feel ("How could You do this to my kids? Don't You want them to be what they can be? Why do You keep piling this on?"), that's enough. It gets rid of the guilt. David HaMelech asks "Seriously, what gives?!" in tehillim a lot.
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amother




Petunia
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:27 pm
I too am totally numb. I can't cry. Reading churban Bais Hamikdash and I feel dry. No emotions anymore.
We cried anough Hashem. Please send Moshiach already.
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elisheva25




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I went to listen to Rabbi Breitowitz over at Ohr Sameach, because I needed to feel I did something, and I have always connected to his style and realness. And he talked about this, but in a different way. It was kind of validating. He said that normally, we don't get what it means to not have a beis hamikdash, but maybe, now, with all of this, we do. At least more than usual.

So here's where I'm at. If Tisha B'av, and the nine days, and the three weeks are all set up to help us get there and into the feeling, I think I'm yotzei. Hashem knows. He knows that my tears came on different days this year, my resolutions, all the kabbalos and tefillos I took on through websites and WhatsApps, some of which I'm still working on. I'm not violating halachos today, but if the other stuff isn't there, He gets it. He has to, right?

It's like when, in general, I have no koach to daven because I'm talked out and cried out. And I believe that Hashem knows that when I get up in the morning and do my day, that's my avodah. It's hard enough. It's the doing that says I'm still in it, even if I don't feel it right then. Isn't that what our religion tells us?



I like this A LoT!!
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elisheva25




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I went to listen to Rabbi Breitowitz over at Ohr Sameach, because I needed to feel I did something, and I have always connected to his style and realness. And he talked about this, but in a different way. It was kind of validating. He said that normally, we don't get what it means to not have a beis hamikdash, but maybe, now, with all of this, we do. At least more than usual.

So here's where I'm at. If Tisha B'av, and the nine days, and the three weeks are all set up to help us get there and into the feeling, I think I'm yotzei. Hashem knows. He knows that my tears came on different days this year, my resolutions, all the kabbalos and tefillos I took on through websites and WhatsApps, some of which I'm still working on. I'm not violating halachos today, but if the other stuff isn't there, He gets it. He has to, right?

It's like when, in general, I have no koach to daven because I'm talked out and cried out. And I believe that Hashem knows that when I get up in the morning and do my day, that's my avodah. It's hard enough. It's the doing that says I'm still in it, even if I don't feel it right then. Isn't that what our religion tells us?


Can you pls post a link ?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:26 pm
https://ohr.edu/tishabav/

But I don't have a time stamp. Rabbi Breitowitz is the first speaker, and it's after he does kinnos. So I just went back until I found him. He talked about a lot of different things.
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amother




Sand
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 2:49 pm
I have a very close family member who is not observant. I want to cry about that every day. So Tisha B'Av is no different. My flask of tears is overflowing. (please don't pity me, I've come to terms with it other than crying to Hashem, but I thought it would be worthwhile posting it here)
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amother




NeonOrange
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 3:13 pm
I’ve been cried out for many years. Family stuff, personal stuff, kids etc, and just so much pain in my life and in the world.

I fast, adjust my seating arrangements, don't wear leather shoes, etc.

I do the things even though they are mechanic and don’t add to my sadness and mourning of galus, and I hope Hashem appreciates I do it even when emotionally and mentally I don’t feel like I need to do anything to feel more sadness and grief.

Ironically I feel more hope on tisha B’Av as I count down the hours left. Maybe the end of all our grieving , personal and communal will be done very soon.
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amother




Anemone
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 3:29 pm
I agree with every word. This year has been an extra hard one for me and I don't have any emotional energy left. I think this year my tafkid is just to follow the basic halachos and not mess with my mental health by trying to make myself sad.
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amother




Lime
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 3:53 pm
Same, OP.

I sat shivah this year, many years before I thought I ever would, and I am so done with the crying and the dark thoughts and the heaviness...

Moshiach now
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amother




Springgreen
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 4:29 pm
I am dealing with something so very difficult now. It’s not a challenge the average person has to deal with. It’s weighing me down. I feel so anxious. I feel so alone. I feel so sad. I feel so broken. I don’t have to hide my sadness and distress on tisha B’Av.
I’m hungry. I’m weak . It’s fine if people think that’s why I look sad. I’m really sad because I have the saddest life you can imagine.
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Eisheschayil123




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 4:57 pm
amother [ Springgreen ] wrote:
I am dealing with something so very difficult now. It’s not a challenge the average person has to deal with. It’s weighing me down. I feel so anxious. I feel so alone. I feel so sad. I feel so broken. I don’t have to hide my sadness and distress on tisha B’Av.
I’m hungry. I’m weak . It’s fine if people think that’s why I look sad. I’m really sad because I have the saddest life you can imagine.


Springreen,I just want to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder! You should know that you aren’t alone! When I’ve felt this way I cried out to Hashem and then I would some way feel Hashem is holding my hand! Honestly our friends and relatives can be empathetic, but only Hashem knows every detail of our lives. I’ve seen the hugs from Hashem in some of the “coincidences” that seem to happen when I see how something happened that can only be orchestrated through him.
In my life I’ve seen it over and over again where I thank Hashem for the good in my life and that not only uplifts me, but then I see circumstances start to change! Trust me that I’ve had my share of challenges and all isn’t rosy, but these are the things that keep me going and bring me closer to Hashem. Isn’t that our ultimate goal!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 5:25 pm
amother [ Sand ] wrote:
I have a very close family member who is not observant. I want to cry about that every day. So Tisha B'Av is no different. My flask of tears is overflowing. (please don't pity me, I've come to terms with it other than crying to Hashem, but I thought it would be worthwhile posting it here)


Thank you. I can relate. Tisha B'av is painful in a way that Pesach and Succos etc are painful, as I watch what's happening. Since I've taught myself to keep smiling and keep going on those day, I find myself doing the comparable thing today.
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daagahminayin




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 5:38 pm
amother [ Springgreen ] wrote:
I am dealing with something so very difficult now. It’s not a challenge the average person has to deal with. It’s weighing me down. I feel so anxious. I feel so alone. I feel so sad. I feel so broken. I don’t have to hide my sadness and distress on tisha B’Av.
I’m hungry. I’m weak . It’s fine if people think that’s why I look sad. I’m really sad because I have the saddest life you can imagine.


I am so sorry.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 8:53 pm
Hugs. Rabbi Breitowitz at OS today is on TorahAnytime.
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