Rich people taking my hand me downs

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:18 am

In my community whatsapp group in Israel, people sometimes give away clothes. Twice it happened that I posted I was giving away clothes and women from wealthy families in the community came and picked up the clothes. (One time one of the ladies even SOLD a couple of nice girls clothes that she took from me). Please don't say I don't know if she was is in need. I know she is not.

How can I post that I'm giving away clothes in a way that will prevent people like her taking them? I want them to go to someone in need, but without embarrassing anyone by saying "only if you're really in need."

amother

Daisy

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:21 am

...unless they are taking to give away.... I would find a better outlet to give away my clothes. WhatsApp is open to all and whoever wants can take. If you want to make sure it goes in the direction you want then yes find a different way.
good luck

amother

Wheat

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:21 am

Give them directly to a gemach, if you like.

But here's the thing - if you don't need the clothes any more, why does it matter who gets them?

Are you giving the clothes away because you are done with them, or because you want to give tzedaka? If the former, then it doesn't matter who takes them. If the latter, sell the clothes and donate the proceeds to a tzedaka of your choice.

allthingsblue

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:28 am

You can post that anyone interested should pm you. And if a rich lady pms you you can say sorry, they clothing are reserved already.
The downside is that someone truly in need may be ashamed to message you that she’s interested.

notshanarishona

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:29 am

You can’t be choosy over who takes things you are giving away unless you give to a specific recipient. I would assume that if someone is taking hand me downs then either they aren’t as rich as you think or have some sort of mental illness and have an emotional issue with spending money. Either way don’t overthink it. You don’t need it so why do you care who takes it

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:29 am

Why does it have to be one or the other? I'm giving them away because I'm done with them, AND as a form of tzedaka. They are in beautiful condition and I could easily post pictures and sell them.

I'm not upset with people for taking me up on the offer, although I do think it is chutzpah to sell them.

I'm just wondering if there's any phrasing to discourage people who can easily afford clothes from taking the clothes before the others do.

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

But here's the thing - if you don't need the clothes any more, why does it matter who gets them?

Are you giving the clothes away because you are done with them, or because you want to give tzedaka? If the former, then it doesn't matter who takes them. If the latter, sell the clothes and donate the proceeds to a tzedaka of your choice.

amother

Daisy

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:33 am

nope not really
I mean you could say "for someone in need..." but that risks insulting people or making them hesitant to ask or these people think they do need....and given that your stuff is beautiful yes everyone will want them and it makes sense they are contacting you. Not their job necessarily for everyone to think who needs more...some will some won't. reality of life.

southernbubby

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:36 am

There are probably numerous people who serve as liaisons between those who have something to give and people who are in need. They know what situations people are in.
OTOH, I am moving and taking stuff to Kupas Ezra. They resell the stuff and the money helps poor people. Anyone, however, can buy the donated goods and some wealthy people enjoy thrift stores.

Notsobusy

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This makes complete sense. You're finished with this clothing, it's still in good condition, and as tzedakah you want to give it to someone who is truly in need and will enjoy it. You have every right to make that decision, I'm just not sure how you would go about it.

chanchy123

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:48 am

You don’t have to be needy to take second hand clothes. I know someone who prefers second hand because it’s more environmental than buying new clothes.
It is very tasteless to take second hand clothes you got for free and sell them, especially if you’re not desperate for the money. Very weird - weird enough to feel sorry for the lady. In guess you can specify for personal use only when you advertise.

chanchy123

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:51 am

Simple1 wrote:

You can say "not for resale".

I can't imagine anyone wealthy wanting hand me downs (unless Israeli culture is different.) Are they taking and giving it to families they know of who need them?

I have a neighbor who claims she uses second hand clothes for environmental reasons (as I wrote in my precious part) - she’s well off but grew up very poor I do think it’s partially psychological a hang up, she also takes extra food from school lunches.

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:00 am

chanchy123 wrote:

I don't know why and how it is tasteless.
Many people become wealthy by living frugally and avoiding all unnecessary expense.
Being wealthy is also not static. Money people lose money in pandemic and may not publicize it. Also, some people are wealthy by having money tied up in bonds or real estate but they live tight day to day.

They would definitely take hand me downs in a nice condition. I am currently expecting after a very long break and yes I have money, but I would hate to buy all new newborn stuff. I constantly offer things to my friends and accept hand me downs from them. If it's the middle of the seasons and some clothes got ruined, I would definitely accept something to fill the gap for now.

I feel like hand me downs, like presents, come with no strings attached. I don't care what people do with my hand me downs. If they put in an effort to sell things, then kol hakavod, I was too lazy for that. That's on me.

southernbubby

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:16 am

gibberish wrote:

You can find one family in need who can use your hand me downs and give them all your clothing when you are done

Usually the genders and sizes don't line up so that everything can be used by one family.

amother

Calendula

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:17 am

chanchy123 wrote:

This is very true. I know people like this as well.
But if you "choose" a family to give to, please run it by them first. When I was growing up there was a well to do family that would occasionally come and dump off their hand me downs on our porch without saying anything to my mother first or asking if she wanted it. Not nice to make someone feel like a chesed case or a dumping ground even if you have the nicest hand me downs. (My mom would just give it away so the person who thought she was doing a mitzvah actually wasn't. It was just more of a hassle for my mom to deal with.)
Totally different than my mom's good friend who would call her to ask if she was interested in some gorgeous dresses her daughters had outgrown. Much more respectful and dignified imo.

amother

Mintcream

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:22 am

What about asking the rav in your shul to give it to a family he knows is in need?

Also, you said the rich person sold your clothes,well, if it was the dd of the rich person, maybe her rich parents dont give her extra money for clothes and she sold your clothes to use the money to buy herself clothes of her choice or used the money to give to others who need clothes and let them buy their own.. or she thought the clothes would look good on her but they didnt so she figured you didnt want them back(which is usually the case)

It's highly unusual for rich ppl who dont need ...to do what you are describing...I know of a woman who's a sahm, her dh is a dentist......so she goes with me to get free food being given away...and ppl may think that she is wealthy, so the food shouldn't be for her, but nobody knows if she lost $ in the pandemic and if her parents were holocaust survivors, so she has a mental thing about food etc...I dont understand why she would take it, but it's not for us to judge, so I think this is a dlk zechus moment

And if you want to give to specific ppl in "need" based on your personal decision, then you will need to be more restrictive of how you are "advertising ", but then a "poor" person may be embarrassed to take it so...

amother

Calendula

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:27 am

I wouldn't bother a Rav about this.
If it bothers op that much, she can always donate to a gemach. of course, there's no way to guarantee no wealthy people "shop" there and may end up with these hand me downs. That's just life.

paperflowers

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:32 am

Is the group moderated? On my WhatsApp giveaways group you would get kicked off if you resell something you get from the group. Maybe speak to the admin.

ETA: I see now you said community chat, not specific to giving away, so there probably aren’t rules about this sort of thing, but maybe the admins can make such a rule if it’s an ongoing problem.