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Parenting without obedience: safe haven?
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Poll

Would you like a safe haven for power-with parenting?
yes  
 67%  [ 27 ]
no  
 25%  [ 10 ]
other  
 7%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 40


amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:13 pm
Zehava wrote:
Are you on Instagram? There are some great, very informative accounts you can follow.

I have it.. But don't go on often as there is so much going on it can consume my whole day.. What would I type in..
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:14 pm
amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:
I have it.. But don't go on often as there is so much going on it can consume my whole day.. What would I type in..

I would start with unconditional parenting and sterna suissa. If you like their content you can see who else they tag.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:16 pm
Zehava wrote:
I would start with unconditional parenting and sterna suissa. If you like their content you can see who else they tag.

Thanks!
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:20 pm
Zehava wrote:
I would start with unconditional parenting and sterna suissa. If you like their content you can see who else they tag.

I actually just saw the unconditional parenting yesterday and unfollowed cus it was getting me stressed out. LOL
But Ill actually read through it and try to understand it..
My question is.. If my husband isn't on board with these ideas (didn't say he's not.. Just what if) does this approach still work?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:29 pm
amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:
I actually just saw the unconditional parenting yesterday and unfollowed cus it was getting me stressed out. LOL
But Ill actually read through it and try to understand it..
My question is.. If my husband isn't on board with these ideas (didn't say he's not.. Just what if) does this approach still work?

For sure. It’ll help you have a connection with your kids and help them grow into emotionally healthy adults.
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:47 pm
I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I find that it's one of the few methods that at its core is respectful to both the parent and child. The entire purpose is to find mutually satisfactory solutions to an unsolved problem. If the solution doesn't meet the need of the parent, it is not considered a solution.

I use this method effectively all the time. In fact, I use it a ton at work. It's a great method for actually discussing your real concerns, getting through the distractions and finding solutions that work overall.

This is probably one of the hardest methods but it really pays in spades. I don't always use it, but it is definitely my go to.

OP, I think that it's a great idea although like "natural" there is a lot of variation.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:59 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I find that it's one of the few methods that at its core is respectful to both the parent and child. The entire purpose is to find mutually satisfactory solutions to an unsolved problem. If the solution doesn't meet the need of the parent, it is not considered a solution.

I use this method effectively all the time. In fact, I use it a ton at work. It's a great method for actually discussing your real concerns, getting through the distractions and finding solutions that work overall.

This is probably one of the hardest methods but it really pays in spades. I don't always use it, but it is definitely my go to.

OP, I think that it's a great idea although like "natural" there is a lot of variation.

Ordered. Thanks.
Not sure how I'm reading all these books I fall asleep reading and can't remember anything I read. But I'm trying!
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:16 pm
amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:
Ordered. Thanks.
Not sure how I'm reading all these books I fall asleep reading and can't remember anything I read. But I'm trying!


There are a few key points to his method. Some are easier than others:

1) Lens change - your child isn't giving you a hard time, your child is having a hard time.
2) Behavior is not what you are trying to solve - you are trying to get to the root cause of the issue to address the problem behind the behavior. Once you can solve the problem, the behavior will change.
3) You need to look at your expectations and see if they are achievable for your child. An expectation may be beyond a child's ability even if they previously were able to achieve it. Like, if your child is hungry or tired, you may need to change your expectations and let certain things go.
4) Don't try to solve too much at a time. Pick one unsolved problem (not behavior!) and go from there. You may need multiple solutions to try before finding one that sticks.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:00 pm
mha3484 wrote:
Yes. I learned about the method when my son was in Nursery ( 4 year olds). The author spoke at an event in my community. I found that what he said really resonated with me so I went and bought the book. I have been using it ever since. This son will be 11 in a couple of months.


Thanks. I’ve just ordered.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:01 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I find that it's one of the few methods that at its core is respectful to both the parent and child. The entire purpose is to find mutually satisfactory solutions to an unsolved problem. If the solution doesn't meet the need of the parent, it is not considered a solution.

I use this method effectively all the time. In fact, I use it a ton at work. It's a great method for actually discussing your real concerns, getting through the distractions and finding solutions that work overall.

This is probably one of the hardest methods but it really pays in spades. I don't always use it, but it is definitely my go to.

OP, I think that it's a great idea although like "natural" there is a lot of variation.


Can you explain please?

Edited- I read your second part. Do you mean most time consuming?

Yesterday while I was in the bathroom I came out to find my son literally peed on the baby. Ok lesson learned, I can’t leave them alone for a minute.
I’m not joking this happened and he’s 4.5… he knows it wasn’t nice because he told me himself. So I took him to his room and talking with his mentechies (he communicated very well that way) I asked him if the baby was bothering him. He said yes she was crying. He gets very triggered when she cries. I don’t know why (I wish I can find out).

We then problem solved how to make her feel better and we came up with a bath and a nice apology and hug. And also “help” mommy clean up the mess.

So it worked out but yes, it’s a lot easier to say- your punished and go to your room. But I’m happy I figured out that he was triggered and that was his fight response.
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amother




Oldlace
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:53 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Does the "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic" method qualify?

It worked miracles for my relationship with DD. I'm not kidding. One day she said to me "Mama, I really like that book you're reading. We're not fighting anymore!"

Power struggles literally went from constant and daily, to very rare. Usually there was a problem when I forgot to use Love and Logic with her.

(Of course, it depends entirely on your child's personality.)


Could you summarize the major points with this book? I don’t think I can read another parenting book at the moment but curious what this method entails. And how’s it different then “the explosive child”?
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:09 pm
SuperWify wrote:

Yesterday while I was in the bathroom I came out to find my son literally peed on the baby. Ok lesson learned, I can’t leave them alone for a minute.
I’m not joking this happened and he’s 4.5… he knows it wasn’t nice because he told me himself. So I took him to his room and talking with his mentechies (he communicated very well that way) I asked him if the baby was bothering him. He said yes she was crying. He gets very triggered when she cries. I don’t know why (I wish I can find out).


You sound like an amazing mom.

I do have a question though. If his fight response is to pee on the baby, or something inappropriate, what happens when something else in life triggers him? Aren’t we trying to shape the response instead of removing the antecedent?
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amother




Carnation
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:20 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I find that it's one of the few methods that at its core is respectful to both the parent and child. The entire purpose is to find mutually satisfactory solutions to an unsolved problem. If the solution doesn't meet the need of the parent, it is not considered a solution.

I use this method effectively all the time. In fact, I use it a ton at work. It's a great method for actually discussing your real concerns, getting through the distractions and finding solutions that work overall.

This is probably one of the hardest methods but it really pays in spades. I don't always use it, but it is definitely my go to.

OP, I think that it's a great idea although like "natural" there is a lot of variation.


Is this useful as a general parenting technique? My oldest is still a baby so obviously too young but I'm interested in reading in advance on parenting techniques. Or is this only useful if you have a certain type of child so I should wait and see if it's needed?
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:51 am
imorethanamother wrote:
You sound like an amazing mom.

I do have a question though. If his fight response is to pee on the baby, or something inappropriate, what happens when something else in life triggers him? Aren’t we trying to shape the response instead of removing the antecedent?


Thank you for the vote of confidence. It means a lot because I sometimes feel like a I failure when it comes to him…

I don’t know and that’s why I’m stuck. It would really help me to understand why he gets so triggered and how to teach him to calm down. We do do calm down exercises but he can’t do them one his own.


Last edited by SuperWify on Wed, Sep 15 2021, 8:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 7:08 am
SuperWify wrote:
Can you explain please?

Edited- I read your second part. Do you mean most time consuming?

Yesterday while I was in the bathroom I came out to find my son literally peed on the baby. Ok lesson learned, I can’t leave them alone for a minute.
I’m not joking this happened and he’s 4.5… he knows it wasn’t nice because he told me himself. So I took him to his room and talking with his mentechies (he communicated very well that way) I asked him if the baby was bothering him. He said yes she was crying. He gets very triggered when she cries. I don’t know why (I wish I can find out).

We then problem solved how to make her feel better and we came up with a bath and a nice apology and hug. And also “help” mommy clean up the mess.

So it worked out but yes, it’s a lot easier to say- your punished and go to your room. But I’m happy I figured out that he was triggered and that was his fight response.


So peeing on the baby was his response to stress (AKA the baby crying). When kids are younger, there are a few different ways to try and figure out the causes. There is something called the 5 finger method where you ask questions and they tell you how many fingers it is, like 1 for not at all, 5 for absolutely. Try to figure out what stresses him out from the crying. Is he sensitive to the noise? Is it that he doesn't know what's wrong? Sometimes, you just have to step back and try to analyze if they cannot really tell you what's going on. Sometimes kids really don't understand the why.

Knowing that you cannot let them be alone without you is exactly what the "Plan C" portion of the book is about - examining your expectations and if they aren't realistic for your child at the time, you let go of it. So they are never alone together until he can handle that.

This was a HUGE win!
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 7:34 am
amother [ Carnation ] wrote:
Is this useful as a general parenting technique? My oldest is still a baby so obviously too young but I'm interested in reading in advance on parenting techniques. Or is this only useful if you have a certain type of child so I should wait and see if it's needed?


Yes it is! It's useful for everyone. I use this on my coworkers all the time because it's a great way to to get everyone's concerns on the table and clearly discuss solutions. It works on my "regular" children too.

The premise is all about communication and problem solving.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 8:06 am
saw50st8 wrote:
So peeing on the baby was his response to stress (AKA the baby crying). When kids are younger, there are a few different ways to try and figure out the causes. There is something called the 5 finger method where you ask questions and they tell you how many fingers it is, like 1 for not at all, 5 for absolutely. Try to figure out what stresses him out from the crying. Is he sensitive to the noise? Is it that he doesn't know what's wrong? Sometimes, you just have to step back and try to analyze if they cannot really tell you what's going on. Sometimes kids really don't understand the why.

Knowing that you cannot let them be alone without you is exactly what the "Plan C" portion of the book is about - examining your expectations and if they aren't realistic for your child at the time, you let go of it. So they are never alone together until he can handle that.

This was a HUGE win!


I like the finger idea.
He can’t take any baby’s crying but he sure doesn’t mind crying himself lol. He doesn’t like noise- vacuum, lawn mower, loud truck ect but if someone yells at him he doesn’t lose it. Only a baby’s cries. The only thing I can think of- last year, before I had a baby- my neighbor had a new baby who cried a lot. It scared my son who wasn’t used to babies and he refused to do their house.

Today we were driving home stuck in traffic and the baby was crying hysterically and unfortunately I couldn’t soothe her. He got really triggered and started hitting her car seat. I tried talking to him but I was hard over a screaming baby. Eventually he just stuck his fingers into his ears on his own. I made a big deal of him finding a solution. so yes, if you mean it’s time consuming- it is!
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amother




Brown
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 8:09 am
SuperWify wrote:
I like the finger idea.
He can’t take any baby’s crying but he sure doesn’t mind crying himself lol. He doesn’t like noise- vacuum, lawn mower, loud truck ect but if someone yells at him he doesn’t lose it. Only a baby’s cries. The only thing I can think of- last year, before I had a baby- my neighbor had a new baby who cried a lot. It scared my son who wasn’t used to babies and he refused to do their house.

Today we were driving home stuck in traffic and the baby was crying hysterically and unfortunately I couldn’t soothe her. He got really triggered and started hitting her car seat. I tried talking to him but I was hard over a screaming baby. Eventually he just stuck his fingers into his ears on his own. I made a big deal of him finding a solution. so yes, if you mean it’s time consuming- it is!


Have you tried noise canceling headphones for him? Especially for the car when he’s stuck and can’t walk away.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 8:09 am
saw50st8 wrote:
Yes it is! It's useful for everyone. I use this on my coworkers all the time because it's a great way to to get everyone's concerns on the table and clearly discuss solutions. It works on my "regular" children too.

The premise is all about communication and problem solving.


Sounds a bit like how to talk so little kids can listen. My favorite book.

I hope it’s as easy to read. I tried non violent communication and it was not clear at all.
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