Teen dd disclosing same zex attraction

amother

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:04 am

I am not sure what to do.
Our teen dd came to us and stated she is gay.
Dh and I are beside ourselves but she is extremely adamant that this is how she is.
We love her but are hurt and not thrilled.

She has told a few of her friends. FYI, she attends a BY high school. School hasn’t started up again yet but we already have a meeting with the administrator scheduled, at their request.
We have told her to keep her mouth shut and she shouldn’t be thinking about these kinds of relationships at all right now. She is not acting very respectful towards us though. Almost like she likes seeing us so uncomfortable.

Dh is beyond despair. I am more angry because I see a lot of rebellion in her and we aren’t sure where to go.

I honestly don’t believe dd is ‘gay’ or whatever. I do believe she is in a huge rebellious streak though.

Is there anyone out there going through this with their teen?

I love her. But I cannot accept what she is telling us and if she keeps insisting on it, I may need to consider cutting her off.

Rutabaga

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:10 am

Please, please, please, for your daughter's sake and your own as well as your other children, do not take any drastic steps without consulting someone who can help you. If you post a general location I'm sure people will be happy to recommend someone.

You would cut your teenager off for this? What does that even mean? If she is gay, then she needs your love and guidance to navigate a difficult path And if she isn't gay but is rebellious or testing you, then she also needs your love and guidance because she is in pain and acting out.

amother

Buttercup

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oy! So sorry for you! I have heard Avi Fishoff (from twisted parenting) is great for rebellious teans. Maybe he can help you! Look him up on YouTube.
Hatzlacha!

amother

Maroon

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:15 am

I wouldn’t cut her off or let her for a second believe you’d cut her off for being “gay” because she will forveee hold it against you and will forger get sympathy from people who will never understand the full picture. Making herself the victim and a crazy religious cult and parents not loving her for her

I can also see it being a phase caused by rebellion. Teenagers are pained. It’s weird part of life. Half child. Half adult. Not free enough but also freer than a 10 year old.

Maybe she feels unloved. Unimportant. Maybe she feels like she isn’t appreciated. That she can’t be loved for who she is. Like a child who throws a tantrum to get reaction and attention. It’s the reaction and attention that she’s craving. But don’t let them be negative ones. Try and create positive loving validating responses. Try and make her feel like you’re actually interested in her and her feelings without trying to fix them.

Religion is tough for those who see the I outside world as liberating and fun. It’s not. But they cannot see it.
Whatever her journey will be in life. You just have to make her feel loved. As her parent. Disowning her will only cause her to have an even harder or worse life than if you just loved her and let her have a phase.

Don’t get riled up jsut yet. Don’t let your husband get riled up just yet. Go give her a hug. Together and tell her you guys love her and your lives are so much better because of her. Teenagers need that extra love.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:16 am

isn't cutting off one's teen a bigger aveirah than a teen announcing she's gay?

like what kind of aveira is a girl committing by announcing she's gay? like seriously.

even if she were to ki$$ another girl, where in the torah does it say she is not allowed to do that?

I hope you can find some kindness and compassion for that in you that is feeling so hurt and angry etc.

And I hope you can find some kindness and compassion for the child you birthed and committed to caring for.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP here. We are very involved parents. However, she has been challenging for many years now and just seems to gloat in our misery. It’s like she is really trying to find the most extreme statement, viewpoint to get a reaction. Dd has lived a fairly sheltered life so her rebellion and zest for a counter culture life really comes out of nowhere. She’s just not even shy about it and doesn’t seem to care about our pain.

I hear your pain Hug

So would cutting her off help you get some distance from the object who you believe is the cause of your pain?

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am reading this paragraph as an expression of your pain. I'm reading it as a vent.
And I think venting is a useful first step. Take all the time you need to vent and rage and be upset about this.
I think having a safe place to express your pain and anger etc might allow you to find your way back to compassion.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:45 am

As parents one of the most difficult parts of any stage is our own predictions. We envision our child with the same maladaptive behaviors, the same quirks, destroying their lives as adults. That causes the most pain, and it's all our own imagination.

My #1 advice for parents of challenging children: STOP PROJECTING. You have no idea what will happen in six months, or a year, or a decade. Kids who were hopeless become great successes, major obstacles disintegrate. Yes, work on the issues, address the challenges, provide the support they need. But stop prophecizing!

Here you are, OP, with a doomsday scenario of a defiant DD who not long after getting expelled from high school, has dropped frumkeit entirely so she can marry her female sweetheart, humiliating your entire family and destroying the shidduch prospects of all of her siblings.

You are not experiencing the pain of right now as much as the accumulated pain of years THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Your DD is right now a teenager. She is disrespectful, saying inflammatory things. Does she have attractions to the same gender? Possibly, possibly not. In general attraction is more fluid than we are led to believe; and a current distrust of men for whatever reason may lead her to feel attracted to other females. That could change by tomorrow, next week, or whenever the next heartthrob walks past her in the street.

But more importantly than whatever orientation she turns out to be in a few years are her feelings RIGHT NOW. She is testing you. She gave you a major whammy, and is going to see whether or not you accept her for who she is.

It's not easy. But you need to tell her that you love her, you care about her, and that you want the best for her. Tell her you were very surprised at her announcement, and you need time to think about it and process it before you discuss it. But it doesn't change the fact that she is your daughter and you love her very much.

Then try to see if there is a way you can make her life less turbulent. She is obviously suffering a lot to throw a wrench like this into your relationship. Get real life help in navigating the outbursts and not causing further damage while you work to figure out what forces are pulling her in different directions.

Now is however NOT the time for dramatic decisions. She already did that. Don't evict her, put her into military school, or marry her off to save her from herself. Just love her and help her.

And things will get better. I promise.

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 1:08 am

Back in the old days, before the currant crazy gender politics and political correctness, it was known that teens who are finding themselves can go through brief spells of same s@x attraction. The assumption was that it goes away on its own if not fussed about. One can still find that in older books about raising teens and psychology.
When I was about 15, I myself went through a phase of having fantasies about other girls. And the phase passed. Never came back.

So, I would recommend to the OP to not destroy the relationship with her dd at this stage. Either way, whether she said it just out of spite or because she really feels like it, don't overreact. Wait it out calmly.

imaima

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 1:29 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You sound so selfish.
So you see yourself you had a problem brewing for a long time and is finally resulted in this statement.
Maybe you have not been involved in the right ways.

amother

Valerian

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 1:48 am

You need an experienced therapist and Rav to guide you through this rather than shooting from the hip. This is so immensely painful for you especially since it has been going on for so long. The posters here who are so quick to judge you have no idea of how painful the situation is for you.

Yet as callous and cavalier as your daughter seems to be, it is painful for your daughter as well. She is crying out for help but in all the wrong ways. You need outside guidance, handholding, and guidance from someone that’s is not is the thick of things and has some objectivity.

In the meantime let her know that you love her unconditionally, even if you don’t love what she is doing. There is hope for her but the ball is very much in your court right now.

essie14

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 1:49 am

amother [ SandyBrown ] wrote:

This. Every word.

And if you need support, OP, please contact
https://www.eshelonline.org/

Your DD needs your love and compassion.