Brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos - what do you do

amother

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:16 am

What do you do for your brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos If you have young kids and it’s out of town in a city you don’t know anyone in?

If the kallah family offers to find a host do you go even though it will be unfamiliar and very hard with the kids? Or do you not to bec youre exhausted from the wedding?

On that note, what about the aufruf- we can’t stay at my parents bec they have no room, and there’s no eiruv to walk with the kids. I’d honestly be nervous about doing the walk myself without any water to drink.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:19 am

Being exhausted and it being hard is not a reason to miss a brother's simcha. I never stay at my parents/in laws, I make my own arrangements. Maybe try to find an apartment close to the hall/shul.

amother

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:21 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

Being exhausted and it being hard is not a reason to miss a brother's simcha. I never stay at my parents/in laws, I make my own arrangements. Maybe try to find an apartment close to the hall/shul.

I’ll be at the wedding, was at the vort, will be at local Sheva brachos.
I have a baby who doesn’t sleep outside my home (literally does not, which means I don’t.)

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:25 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’ll be at the wedding, was at the vort, will be at local Sheva brachos.
I have a baby who doesn’t sleep outside my home (literally does not, which means I don’t.)

We can all have same excuses. Yet those aren't reasons to miss immediate family simchas. Imagine you marry off a child and your other kids don't attend the aufruf or shabbos sheva brachos. It doesn't make sense unless there's an emergency or real good reason for missing immediate family simchas.

amother

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:26 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

My in law siblings did not come to my Shabbos Sheva brachos…
I wasn’t insulted and neither was dh, he was too happy to be married to care.

GetReal

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:28 am

Maybe it depends on the community. In my experience siblings/siblings in law don't all come to the aufruf/shabbos sheva brochos, especially if they have little kids. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

amother

Ghostwhite

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

I think it’s really depending on culture.… I think you are being overly charif.
In some circles it’s not typical that the boys married siblings attend shabbos sheva brachot - especially those with kids

amother

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:29 am

GetReal wrote:

Can I ask if you’d share what type of communities this is ok in?

Ema of 5

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:31 am

Is it travel in addition to traveling for the wedding, or will she a brachos be where the wedding is?
When we got married, we got married in Lakewood (local for my husbands family) and shabbos Sheba brachos were in Florida. Most of my husbands siblings came, but without spouses or kids.
We got married at the beginning of the week, on a Monday, so they went to Sheba brachos, just not shabbos.
I don’t agree with everyone here. I totally get the kid who doesn’t sleep. When my youngest was a baby (honestly, even now, and she’s 5!!) she only sleeps in my bed if we go away, so that means I don’t sleep. My other kids have other issues that make going away not so easy. I would definitely think twice before traveling for a siblings shabbos Sheba brachos.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:32 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

I know that some families don't invite the chosson's siblings to shabbos sheva brachos. But if you're invited and offered to be put up somewhere, I don't think being exhausted is an excuse to not go.

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:35 am

There are different expectations in different communities (and some of these have grown and spread....) OP you need to find out what is expected by your family, in your community.

In some, missing a Shabbos Sheva Brachos is like missing the wedding. And in other communities/families, it's understood and no biggee.

My nephew is B"EH getting married next week, and my father's wife's granddaughter is also getting married (B"H not on the same night!). So my father and his wife are going to my nephew's aufruf, and to her granddaugher's Shabbos Sheva Brachos. They are working it out the best they can.

Sometimes you do what you gotta do!

As to the aufruf, OP, what is the expectation? I remember when DD was a baby, my in-laws arranged a babysitter (and I stayed in their house) for SIL's Shabbos SB. But at another SIL's Shabbos SB, DD had just started walking and no such arrangements were made. I have never forgotten the hour DH and I spent on Ocean Pkwy in the heat, when she sat down and refused to budge. (yeah, we laugh about it today. At some point, an airplane passed overhead and we convinced her to come with us to check if by any chance it landed in our host's yard. It didn't, but B"H we got there....)

GetReal

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can I ask if you’d share what type of communities this is ok in?

I'm Chabad.
Obviously I try to make it. But for example for my first sibling's wedding, we came for the aufruf and stayed for the wedding. We went home before Shabbos Sheva Brochos. How long can little kids be away from home and routine? over a week is a long time!

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:39 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

I know that some families don't invite the chosson's siblings to shabbos sheva brachos. But if you're invited and offered to be put up somewhere, I don't think being exhausted is an excuse to not go.

So if you were the one making the Simcha, I assume you are perfectly OK with the Simcha being attended by exhausted parents, and even more-exhausted, kvetchy, unruly kids. They can all act up, be wild, running around, etc...and make the speeches impossible to hear. You will be understanding and gracious, of course, because there was no excuse not to come.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:42 am

Chayalle wrote:

Everyone is exhausted at a simcha, even the baal simcha. If I make a simcha, I expect my own kids to attend. They can make arrangements for their kids if they don't think the kids can handle it. Simchas are part of life bh. We're always exhausted. We shouldn't be missing out in life, especially not immediate family Simchas because we're exhausted. Is being exhausted also an excuse to miss a siblings wedding? I guess some people just don't value family and family time as much as others do.
My mother is the sibling that never went/goes to family simchas. It really effected us as kids, we were so upset to not be involved, we felt so left out. My mom is sort of an outcast in the family because of this.

ra_mom

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 11:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you have to, choose between the aufruf and the sheva brachos. As a sibling, you should try to be there for one or the other.
Is it more important to your parents for you to be there for the aufruf that they are hosting? Or is it simpler to go to sheva brachos being that they will be finding someone to host you?
Mazel Tov!

Raisin

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:00 pm

I have to travel for every wedding, and so do lots of my siblings. Its very rare for any siblings to stay for all the sheva brachos. We all bh have busy lives and generally can't stay for so long. Even my parents didn't come to all my sheva brachos. (some were held in my husband's city, none of my family came to that...in retrospect would have been really nice to have some family there but at the time I was fine with it)

amother

Charcoal

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:04 pm

OP, you have to do what works for you. I think every family is different - and you also have to take into account how important your parents and brother feel it is for you to be there.
My bil just got married and the aufruf was in a place with no eiruv. My husband went and my children and I stayed home. Shabbos sheva brochos was in Lakewood so we went to that since there was an eiruv. It was hard but I felt like it was the right thing for me to go. No regrets about skipping the ufruf though.
Speak to your husband and parents and weigh your options. Good luck!

amother

Gladiolus

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:18 pm

If we are the boys side I go to both aufruf and shabbos sheva brochos (if invited which we always were) with all my kids. If my sister gets married we go to shabbos sheva brochos and sometimes dh went to aufruf depending where it is. Sometimes I go to shabbos kallah

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:27 pm

I don’t think the answer is so black and white.
Is it insulting to not go and say that you are unimportant to me? Is it a curtesy invite and now causing much more work and an added expense?

Can DH go to the afruf alone?

People often complain that they don’t feel really loved or connected or part of their in-law family. Think about what you want and remember that you reap what you sow, for good and for bad.

sky

Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:51 pm

Personally I think it is more important to go to brother auf ruf then Shabbos sheva brachos as that is your family simcha.

My dh is from a large family and not all married siblings attended all Shabbos sheva brachos from other side.