I spoil my kids AMA

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:38 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’ll add one more thing, my kids don’t even want candy. They actually like real food. When you don’t make a big deal out of candy and buy it when they want it, they lose interest in it. People become desperate for the things that are out of their reach. If if you don’t make a big deal, then it’s just not a big deal.

My kids are the same. They love vegetables, salads... I'm told over and over again that I have best behaved kids and it's just luck... I laugh to myself when they say this.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:38 pm

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

Oh well, you can't win.

I was making suppers and doing laundry at ten, and I cant touch them now.

Making supper at 10 and doing laundry at that age are an extreme. My children don't even know someone needs to actually wash the clothes and put them away. It just happens by itself. But they sure know when they play a game they clean it up so it doesn't get ruined or broken. And we sit down to a dinner that works majority of the time for everyone-even if it's not their favorite thing. They also know if they leave their clothes on the floor there is a good chance they won't have clean clothes when they need them. Does this mean my children make dinner and wash laundry at 10? Not a chance. But does this mean they are considerate and helpful and thoughtful? U bet.

amother

Pistachio

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:39 pm

The middle ground works best. Give your kids a happy carefree childhood while also setting boundaries and giving them proper tools to be set up for life. I spoil my kids, they often get what they ask for. But they also clean up after themselves. They don't do my chores, but they clean their toys, put away their laundry and clean up their plates. We do have house rules, like bedtime because they can't function without it and it's my job as a parent to keep them healthy even if they don't understand. I don't see why it has to be any extreme.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:43 pm

amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:

This. Exactly. I work very hard and read alot just to have a healthy balance in my home. My siblings think I spoil my kids.. But I know how hard I work to keep my parenting very balanced. Seems to work for me also-most of the time. I won't lie and say my kids only like vegetables, and run to bed at 6pm showered and teeth brushed.
But it's hard work to keep a balanced home and I want my children to succeed in this world so I try and give them all the tools I can think of (without creating issues/jobs).

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:52 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

So this is the thing. I don't consciously try to create rules but real life comes with consequences. If you don't clean up your toys, you won't have them when you want to play again. If you dont put you clothes in the hamper, you won't find them in your closet. They need to do hw, they need to go to sleep. We live in a community where electronic use is frowned upon. If we cant afford to buy x, y or, z, we don't. They need to help clean for shabbos and they need to help clean the table. But other than that, they're basically free to do as they wish.

They need to ask before they take a nosh. There is no consequence if they don't, but they have always asked.... above age 2.

I didn't actually mean to parent this way, but I was very overwhelmed through a large part of their childhood and bh it seemed to have turned out ok, pooh pooh pooh.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:57 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Yes my kids help sometimes. And I am not a maid. (I have a maid) And I do wipe their behinds until they are comfortable wiping their own behinds. And during corona when I had no help, they helped me!! And they did it with mostly smiles. Because they are good human beings with good hearts who are grateful for what they have.

But this is not what OP is describing. OP is describing her being a maid to her kids and she doesn't expect basic manners from them.

creditcards

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:01 pm

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

Same. There are definitely rules and boundaries in the house. But when I compare it to other houses I see it is much more relaxed. I get comments that I'm raising them to be brats. But I don't think that's true. They learn to clean up their toys when they are a little older than other kids their age. I tell them once to clean up. If it doesn't go in it's gonna wait for when they are older. My 10 year old can clean up her toys already. She used to never clean up when she was younger. My younger ones don't know how to clean up.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:04 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

If your kids only want to watch and play electronics every single day after school, all vacations, and by friends house... Do you say sure? Do you think it leads to good healthy independent children?
To the op- have you overcome and major struggles in your life?
What does your husband feel about this kind of relationship you have with your children? Does he agree with this method?

No I don’t let them watch all day or play electronics all day. (Although I will admit they do watch and play to much.) but unless I’m misunderstanding op, I don’t think she lets all day every day either. It’s not that my kids have no rules or boundaries. They have plenty. But I also give them A LOT of what they want just because. And when I don’t give them something they want, they actually handle it really well.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:07 pm

creditcards wrote:

Life is naturally not exactly they want it. They get a no when their classmate doesn't want to share a snack. They can get rejected at this age too by a friend or a teacher. Kids learn these skills naturally and we help our kids by guiding them how to deal with their emotions. We don't need to create a situation where we need to tell them no in order to teach them how to deal with life's disappointments. Even with my relaxed style parenting we still can't give them everything they want. I call it being relaxed with my kids. Life is less stressful for us that way.

Yup. THIS EXACTLY. Life is disappointing enough without me needing to create more disappointment!!

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:11 pm

gorilla wrote:

It’s not only about being Independent when they’re older. Structure and rules give children confidence

These kids get plenty of structure and rules in school.
Our schools are VERY structured and there are tons of rules.

And in case your asking, yes, my kids are all model students.

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:23 pm

Chiming in here to agree with op and others. I don't think of it as spoiling children. I think of myself as a nice parent. I say yes 80% of the time and my children still ask every time. I let them stay up late if they want to finish a game listen to a story ect... They usually run to help me when I ask them for something but very few jobs or expectations. I buy them toys and treats without them asking (and if they ask and I don't see anything wrong with it, I buy it.) They are extremely well behaved in school, and sensitive to others needs and don't fight much. On the other hand I was the oldest of a busy household and grew up with lots of responsibility and 80% no. I was a really good responsible kid but as an adult I struggle a lot. My sister who used to hide in her messy bedroom all day is doing much better with her household management.

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:26 pm

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

I feel like I could have written this post. Word for word.

amother

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:49 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Same here with electronics. Every family needs to do what works for them and that can change over time or with different children.

amother

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:54 pm

Nobody asked but a glimpse into my day today.

Read to my kids while putting them to bed, snuggled with them and shmoozed with them. I made a puzzle with one of my kids. I took my kids out for pizza after they helped clean up.

All in all. Don't judge others. Don't jump to conclusions. And I just gave you a tiny glimpse. There's so much more.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But if you start such a thread, you're basically asking for judgment. You gave is a tiny glimpse and this is what we know. The tiny glimpse shows us you being the maid to kids that lack basic manners.

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:57 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

Everyone's "balance" looks different.

One thing I have learned over the years is that there is no one right way to parent. Whatever works best for your personality and works for your kids, is fine.

amother

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:59 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

That was your assumption. Who asked you to play judge? If you don't approve then move on. Have a sincere question them ask away.

LovesHashem

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 10:18 pm

amother [ Holly ] wrote:

Omg op ignore these old biddies who have nothing to do but worry about how you parent your children
im newly married and I was not too long ago in my parents house...
I grew up the sme way. didnt grow up lifting a finger. my mother or the maid did our laundry, changed the linen, cleaned the house...
and ya kno what? I grew up perfectly fine and I function beautifully and keep a very clean and tidy home.

im always so shocked when I see threads here about what chores to give kids
hello?? let your kids be kids why do they have to do ur stuff?

Chores aren’t “adult stuff”. If you live in the house you should have some age appropriate part in taking care of it.