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Gentle parenting approach, wwyd?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:30 pm
My dc is 5 years old and still hits others when frustrated. I don't want to do time out as that feels wrong. Wwyd?
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amother




Forsythia
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dc is 5 years old and still hits others when frustrated. I don't want to do time out as that feels wrong. Wwyd?


Remove him from the situation and reprimand him.
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amother




Pistachio
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:33 pm
Sorry but the gentle parenting annoys the heck out of me sometimes.
What’s wrong with consequences and punishments within normal limits?
It’s creating a terribly entitled, softee generation.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:34 pm
I have a kid like this. First I do HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired when he starts acting wacko. It is ALWAYS one of those 4. I can usually direct him and stop the behavior.
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amother




Forsythia
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:35 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have a kid like this. First I do HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired when he starts acting wacko. It is ALWAYS one of those 4. I can usually direct him and stop the behavior.


Exactly. And I don't always do gentle parenting, but this is a rule of thumb for me when a child acts up.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:36 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have a kid like this. First I do HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired when he starts acting wacko. It is ALWAYS one of those 4. I can usually direct him and stop the behavior.

Asking genuinely; does halt justify the behaviour? Obviously if my kid was busy he wouldn't hit, what do you do to the kid after the action?
Do children not need to learn to take responsibility for their actions regardless of halt?
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:37 pm
I have a 7 year old who I have to sometimes feed him dinner like a toddler because he gets so distracted and then his mood was going south. 6 bites of chicken and he was so much more relaxed.
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:38 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have a kid like this. First I do HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired when he starts acting wacko. It is ALWAYS one of those 4. I can usually direct him and stop the behavior.


What about a kid who has difficulty self-regulating? He gets OT but also will hit/bite out of nowhere.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:45 pm
English3 wrote:
Asking genuinely; does halt justify the behaviour? Obviously if my kid was busy he wouldn't hit, what do you do to the kid after the action?
Do children not need to learn to take responsibility for their actions regardless of halt?


I truly believe that Hanger (Hunger-Anger) is a real thing. As an adult I have felt it and so do kids. Its not about justifying the behavior but about meeting basic needs so you prevent the behavior in the first place. My 7 year is my more volatile child. He also gets really easily distracted. So I have learned I get better behavior when I take a more active role in making sure he eats. So my other kids sit and eat dinner much more independently this one sometimes needs more handholding.

Anger management is a real avodah that I am always learning new things that I can teach him.

Lonely I can usually try to give him a few minutes of private time and tired I make sure he gets enough sleep.

These are a kids most basic needs, food, sleep, attention. Meeting them proactively goes a long way to preventing undesirable behavior in the first place.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:50 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
What about a kid who has difficulty self-regulating? He gets OT but also will hit/bite out of nowhere.


Try for a week to play detective and make notes of what precedes the behavior. Look for patterns. See if there is something that sets him off. Then you can take that to the OT and work on it. Or some things might be things you can work on at home. I find its a lot of trial and error.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:51 pm
Figure out what triggers it and in the moment restrain him or remove him from the environment
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:52 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dc is 5 years old and still hits others when frustrated. I don't want to do time out as that feels wrong. Wwyd?

Walk him through the steps that led up to his hitting, in several scenarios. Teach him which of his emotions are involved and then brainstorm problem-solving solutions with him. Practice over and over until he gets it.

He will not find a better way unless you teach it to him directly. Punishing does not teach what to do, it only teaches what not to do. You can avoid all that and solve the issue by teaching him proper behavior skills which will stay with him for life.
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 2:56 pm
So I think time out has a bad rep because some people do it incorrectly, as a punishment. Really it's literally what it says: a time out. A break. A few minutes to cool off and calm down, until you're (the child) ready to start thinking rationally.

Personally I do two types of time outs. One, which is the version I do less often, is the minute per year type. The second, which is what I usually do, is until my child is ready to talk to me calmly, and usually only takes a minute or two. It doesn't have to be called time out, you could call it the cool-off corner or the feelings center or whatever, but the idea is the same.

Either way, every time out always ends the same way, with me sitting on the floor with my child, usually them in my lap, us discussing why they went to time out, how their actions made others feel, how they feel, discussing the importance of apologizing and reviewing what would happen if such an action is repeated, and always, always ending with a reaffirmation of my unconditional love. These items are done in a way so that my child and I are talking with each other, not me talking to them.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:04 pm
Can you give him other outlets to hit? My son who likes to hit has a punching ball where he knows he can go if he is angry. Or to jump on some pillows. It has really helped him self regulate knowing there is another option.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:04 pm
Teomima, giving a child a hug in Mommy's lap after hitting someone will only increase the hitting.

You are literally rewarding bad behavior.

Same for those who offer food, attention AFTER child hits.

If you do so BEFORE the child hits, that is better.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:07 pm
A normal 5 y.o. should not be hitting others. This is the result of "gentle parenting".

Kids think they can do whatever they want with No consequences - and they are right.

These kids likely grow up to abuse their spouses and children - because they were
never taught self-control.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:17 pm
Nutured Heart.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:18 pm
amother [ Forsythia ] wrote:
Remove him from the situation and reprimand him.


Agree with removing from the situation.

Take time for training at a neutral time when you're both calm. 'Training' can take many forms. Role playing games work well at that age.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:45 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
A normal 5 y.o. should not be hitting others. This is the result of "gentle parenting".

Kids think they can do whatever they want with No consequences - and they are right.

These kids likely grow up to abuse their spouses and children - because they were
never taught self-control.

Normal 5 yr olds hit. Normal 5 yr olds get frustrated. Normal 5 yr olds don't know how to react to a situation and act on instinct.
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amother




Forsythia
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:57 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
A normal 5 y.o. should not be hitting others. This is the result of "gentle parenting".

Kids think they can do whatever they want with No consequences - and they are right.

These kids likely grow up to abuse their spouses and children - because they were
never taught self-control.


Sure does a normal 5 year old hit. It's normal age appropriate behavior that has been around ever since. Gentle parenting has nothing to do with it.
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