Being from a "weird place"

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:04 pm

I was born in Nijmegen (NL), grew up in a nice village called Cuijk(NL), live in Nijmegen since 2016 I must be from a really weird place.

I think The Netherlands is a weird place. Amsterdam people like in general (frum, secular, not-Jewish) always acting that I live in an outback with wooden shoes or so. Nijmegen has a big and beautiful city centre. When I was 17 a cousin of mine from Amsterdam came to visit me and we had a drank he was suprised that we also had 'normal' stores like in Amsterdam I was like... DUDE of course we have all the big stores like Zara and Mango.... Like he almost literally thought I picked him up from the station with my horse and carriage. And I think that is always the silly arrogance most of 'intowners' have.
Once a frum friend visit me because he had a mezuzah for me and he needed to be for business reasons in my town the next day. Oy gevalt he acted totally as he had been wandering for 40 years in the desert ''HOW FAR AWAY DO YOU LIVE GEEZZZZ'' And I was like 'okay...' It's 1 hour and 30-40 minutes by train and by car it's not like the bamidbar.

Problem is that most people don't want to shidduchim with Dutch Jews, I mean there are UK and Antwerp shidduchim and Swiss ones but not lots of American ones. And most are moving away cuz the Jewish live here is nothing.

bruriyah

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:04 pm

I grew up in Brooklyn and married someone from a “weird place”. Yes, it’s a thing.

For those of you who don’t want to marry anyone from a “weird place” just know that in-towners, (Brooklyn, Lakewood) often look super weird to everyone else in the world (accent, uniform often black clothing, expressions). Just FYI.

SixOfWands

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:07 pm

Chayalle wrote:

And it goes both ways. My girls would prefer a local Shidduch, or someone who wants to live locally. Why wouldn't they want to be able to avail themselves of Grandma helping out with the kids, or providing a hot meal when needed? Why would they want to marry someone who may want to live halfway across the world, and make that close relationship they have now more complicated?

If someone would ask me if we would consider someone from a country that involves multiple plane rides and lots of traveling to get there....it would definitely give me pause, and I'd want my child to consider whether they are ready for what that might entail.

Of course. My argument makes sense no matter where you're from. That was my -- poorly made, perhaps -- point in referencing Fox. While she seems to be delighted with her child's shidduch, I can't imagine that there aren't pangs that they're not geographically closer.

So I do wonder if part of what people are hearing is not just that, but very poorly expressed.

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:09 pm

bruriyah wrote:

I would be so curious if I come there.... LOL

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:12 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I think this is facinating actually. Thanks for sharing about your birthplace. I enjoy your posts.

Believe it or not, I remember one of my siblings was once suggested a shidduch from NL. (It came from a family connection, as my father is European. (and he married my mother A"H, a girl from Brooklyn!)) And while it did not work for my sibling, it definitely shows that the world is sometimes smaller than we think.

Fox

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:13 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

IIRC, at least one of your daughters left your decidedly not weird locale after marriage. I have several friends whose kids have done the same. And while no one I know is pointing fingers and saying "weird" (and while, needless to say, none are shidduch situations), none are thrilled with it. It changes the relationship with the kids. And makes the relationship with grandkids less close. For example, one friend has grandkids a few miles away; she gets asked if she can watch the kids for an hour if the parents need to work late. She also has grandkids half way across the country. She loves them just the same; but its a different relationship. Ditto another friend with grandkids across the city and across the "pond."

So while I have no say at all whom my kids marry, I'd sure prefer them to be local.

In this respect I agree with you 100 percent. I'm completely in favor of kids marrying and living locally, whether that means the Upper East Side or somewhere none of us has ever heard of.

We babysit all the time (DH has a regular gig on Wednesday nights when DD works late). The now-toddler-age grandchildren are perfectly comfortable in our house and can be dropped off with zero tears. It also allows us to provide financial support in ways that are not grandiose but helpful. I order enough paper goods to supply all three households, for instance. My DDs, for their part, often do our limited grocery shopping along with theirs, and we reimburse them. A lot of benefits from every angle.

Btw, the "weird" terminology was not mine; it was the OP's relatives' language.

Fox

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 1:21 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

While she seems to be delighted with her child's shidduch, I can't imagine that there aren't pangs that they're not geographically closer.

I have one married child who lives about 12 hours away by car; he has two children. "Delighted" would not exactly be my first reaction, but we won't go there. My Brooklyn DD is not married.

Here's the irony. We live less than a block from DS's wife's parents. However, she didn't have a happy family situation growing up, and they prefer a less urban environment, so off they went. I would happily have them move into the guest rooms if they were to come back. Definitely puts a crimp on the relationship with the granddaughters and diminishes the day-to-day contact that is so important.

DD living in Brooklyn is profiting from NY's pay scale for BCBA/LBAs; Illinois is not so generous. She hopes to move back to Chicago once she's married.

But back to the point: it's not always possible for a whole host of reasons, but whenever it's remotely feasible, kids should live near at least one set of parents.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 2:31 pm

Fox wrote:

My parents and in-laws live close to each other too. But my in-laws encouraged us to go off on our own--not that they don't love having us there. They did the same and it was good for them. There are some different factors and values at play.

zaq

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 3:40 pm

If you live in a large and spread-out metro area, your children can live just a few miles from you and still not be in "drop-in-and-pick-up-the-baby" distance from you, especially if you depend on public transportation. And nowhere is this more true than in New York City. Except, of course, that frum people in Brooklyn consider every other borough to be "out of town," and from this standpoint, it is. Be honest and say you want your kids to live walking distance from you. That's not local--that's practically still in the womb.

Raisin

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 5:53 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Idiots they are. My friend who married a dutch guy is thrilled that she can have milchig ice cream 1 hour after meat. LOL

mizle10

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 8:29 pm

Sunny Days wrote:

I wonder what segment you’re referring to. If your referring to let’s say chasidish, then I can tell you that you’re totally out of line. I went to “the most frum school in NY” (ok, I know 1 that’s technically more extreme, but they still learn geography). Anyway, I can tell you not only the US map (including Canada & providences), but South American, European and Asian map. I’ll admit that we didn’t cover the African map in depth, and I don’t think we did the nitty gritty of Down Under, but we pretty much covered the world map and each country’s history and culture.

So please don’t stereotype and just say that some people either didn’t pay attention in school, forgot what they learned or just have no sense of direction so to speak.

-Yes, I’m offended

Ok, being from Montreal I had to jump in here... I didn't read the whole thread so sorry if someone else already said.

Canada is not in the US. The USA and Canada are both in North America.
There are no Providences in Canada, but we do have 10 Provinces.

Sorry but you're not helping the stereotype LOL

rowo

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 9:06 pm

Coming from Australia, I have heard the strangest comments.
But most Aussie’s just get a kick out of it, and I’m pretty sure most Australian kids who have visited America have told people our mail gets delivered by kangaroo or they ride to school on their pet kangaroo.

I have had adults try and figure out the whole difference of season thing and ask when we celebrate pesach, given that it’s chag haviv and it’s autumn in the Southern Hemisphere then.

People just get used to having things they way they know. Like people will be suspicious of kosher products from Australia because they don’t have a hechsher printed on the package. Some do, but for the majority of products we have a list (now an app) that lets us know whats kosher.
It’s an internationally accepted kashrus organisation. But because it’s presented slightly differently people are unsure

Sunny Days

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 9:11 pm

mizle10 wrote:

Ok
You’re totally right. I started off saying we learned the US & South American map. I then went back and was going to change to North America, but just added Canada. So yes, you got me there. Whoopdeedoo. And you can thank autocorrect re provinces/providence.
It’s ok, I know what I know and I know that we had a comprehensive geography curriculum (which is what the point of my post was and to point out that not everyone remembers everything), honestly, I’m surprised I still remember what I do (which is quite a lot actually) because it’s been many years...

And I must add, that I love love when people become all nitpicky on posts...

Last edited by Sunny Days on Wed, Nov 10 2021, 1:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

mizle10

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 10:16 pm

Sunny Days wrote:

Ok
You’re totally right. I started off saying we learned the US & South American map. I then went back and was going to change to North America, but just added Canada. So yes, you got me there. Whoopdeedoo. And you can thank autocorrect re provinces/providence.
It’s ok, I know what I know and I know that we had a comprehensive geography curriculum (which is what the point of my post was and to point out that not everyone remembers everything), honestly, I’m surprised I still remember what I do (which is quite a lot actually) because it’s been many years and many earth shattering personal challenges that have not only preoccupied my brain, but actually required me to learn a whole new language and culture so to speak...

And I must add, that I love love when people become all nitpicky on posts...

I'm sorry for nitpicking, it just came out funny that someone came trying to prove a point that they know geography and says that Canada is in the USA.

I had a "in town" shabbos guest once ask me after the seuda if they walk to Toronto can they be back in Montreal in time for shalosh seudos. LOL

scruffy

Tue, Nov 02 2021, 10:18 pm

rowo wrote:

Random question - what do you do about birchas hailanos which is supposed to be said in Nissan?