Vapes and bought himself an iPhone…At risk?

amother

cornflower

Tue, Nov 16 2021, 9:50 pm

Don't worry about what term to label him with (I don't mean this in a bad way).
Speak with someone who is involved in these Yeshivos and see what would be the best fit, regardless of what the official "title" of the boys in that yeshiva are.

You sound like an amazing mom, hatzlacha!

amother

Dustypink

Wed, Nov 17 2021, 12:55 am

I raised a few kids like this and would love to share some thoughts:

Please buy yourself the best gift: the book named "spare the child" by yaakovson. It is based on the teachings of the famous mechanech Rav Wolbe and really has insights that I wish I knew years ago.

Try to remember this:
B believe in him (believe that he choose right from wrong. Believe in his good parts. He senses everything you think of him. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy)
E motionless & Emunah (don't get all emotional about Yiddishkeit just state your values in 30 seconds or less. Emunah that it's from Hashem for us to work on ourselves and our personal avodah)
N neshama deep inside (its there, is just under construction, construction sites are never pretty but in the end it all turns out Beautiful)
D deep unconditional love ( love Him no matter what just like Hashem loves us no matter what)

A kid doesn't want to make the wrong choices but will default to that for various reasons. Ask him why he wants to vape, try to get into his brain, his world so that you can understand him better. Also, try to avoid confrontation as much as possible, and only lecture with his good in mind (and under 30 seconds without emotion) for black and white assur Muttar things. Let the grey areas slide, and just be a good role model because your actions speak louder than words!
I really feel for you, I cried many many nights and BH now years later they mature and become good wholesome people not despite their struggles but because of them!! Wishing you lots of strength and clarity always! Hang in there!!

salt

Wed, Nov 17 2021, 2:14 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I could be wrong about this, but from what I've read, DS does not seem rebellious. If there's no clues to trauma and he seems otherwise well adjusted, then you have much to work with.

My impression is that DS is:

Extremely smart
Intellectual
Entrepreneurial
Deep thinker
Sensory seeking
Bored out of his mind

Some kids' brains are not wired to sit and learn long hours, on a subject that holds little to no interest to them. That does not make them OTD, at risk, or "bad kids". Really smart kids need "special education" too.

Kids like this need intellectual challenges. Ne need the freedom to explore their interests. If he likes science, find him a school that teaches science. If he loves to read, take him to the library. If he likes sports, get him on a team.

I know, it's not the "yeshivish way" or whatever. This is a much more MO, flexible approach. You have a choice. You can continue to smash him into a box and destroy his self esteem, or you can find ways to let him blossom and be the best person he can be.

I've heard all the excuses before. It's not done, what will the neighbors say, shidduchim, blah blah blah. Right now, your number one priority is getting your child the education that his brain is craving. If he's engaged in fascinating studies, he won't have so much time on his hands to vape and scroll around on his phone.

Maybe you can even make a deal with him. You find an environment where he can thrive, and he'll switch back to a kosher phone. It's worth a try anyway.

If he moves to a MO environment all his friends will have iPhone.
She might solve some problems but definitely not that one.

Aylat

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 5:25 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Tell him you are ok with his iPhone and put controls on it. If he gets into [filth] and other crazy stuff he can be damaged very badly. Better to have it in the open. Controls even minimal are very important

I was going to say this. DS14 really wanted a smartphone. We were planning to get him a Nokia, but instead we got a smartphone and 'koshered' it. He chose which apps he wanted and then we took it into a shop to remove the app store. It was a discussion and a process we did with him. It doesn't provide 100% protection - eg kids can fwd p0rn to each other on whatsapp. But having his own phone gives him a feeling of freedom and self-expression - even just texting is easier and faster with a touchscreen! And he can take photos and videos, check the bus timetable himself, play basic games, etc.
Most importantly because it's an open thing, it's a conversation between us. I told him about the incident I heard about at another school where kids sent p0rn on whatsapp to their friends, I asked him what he thought, we he would do if something similar happened to him, etc. I think that's really important.