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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:18 am
I'm looking for a support group or organization that helps women married to financially irresponsible husbands. The ones who not only don't work but make ruinous decisions that wreck the family finances.
I'm not going to write out the situation here because I know most women who aren't living through it won't understand.
I just need someone reliable I can call for help.
We used to have a rov for this but sadly he passed away a year ago.
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amother
Green
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:28 am
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Oh my gosh yes we need this!
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:29 am
| amother [ Green ] wrote: | | Oh my gosh yes we need this! |
Does such a thing exist?
I need immediate help.
🚨🚨🚨
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amother
Oldlace
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:30 am
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Honestly if my husband wouldnt work and made bad money decisions I wouldnt let him any access to money or credit cards.
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amother
Green
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:32 am
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Would mesila be able to help?
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sevengirl
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:32 am
| amother [ Oldlace ] wrote: | | Honestly if my husband wouldnt work and made bad money decisions I wouldnt let him any access to money or credit cards. |
No offense… but I doubt it’s that simple.
Sending love to those who are experiencing this
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:35 am
| amother [ Oldlace ] wrote: | | Honestly if my husband wouldnt work and made bad money decisions I wouldnt let him any access to money or credit cards. |
Yeah, these are exactly the type of unhelpful comments ppl tend to get if they post on I'ma about these problems.
That's why I really need a specialist to talk to who understands how to navigate these situations.
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amother
Steel
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:36 am
| amother [ Oldlace ] wrote: | | Honestly if my husband wouldnt work and made bad money decisions I wouldnt let him any access to money or credit cards. |
Get off your high horse.
She said those that aren’t dealing with it won’t understand.
Op I don’t have advice. I’m dealing with this as well
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amother
Green
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:36 am
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At one point I was thinking to get dh on board by saying I think we could benefit from speaking to a financial planner- maybe they know stuff about investing or laws we don’t know about that could help us with savings…
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amother
Daffodil
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:37 am
| amother [ Oldlace ] wrote: | | Honestly if my husband wouldnt work and made bad money decisions I wouldnt let him any access to money or credit cards. |
I am sure comments like these are why the OP specified that she wants to engage with people in similar circumstances. These kind of comments are not helpful. Clearly this isnt a feasible option and therefore created this situation.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:45 am
| amother [ Green ] wrote: | | Would mesila be able to help? |
Mesila sounds like a good service when both partners are on board and motivated.
Maybe I need something more like shalom task force.
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oneofakind
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:54 am
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I know women who dealt with this. They did direct payment for utilities so they didn't have to worry about shut off etc. They put their money into an account only they have access to. When their husband was a gambling addict, they were able to work with the bank and change accounts to their name.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:02 am
| oneofakind wrote: | | I know women who dealt with this. They did direct payment for utilities so they didn't have to worry about shut off etc. They put their money into an account only they have access to. When their husband was a gambling addict, they were able to work with the bank and change accounts to their name. |
My husband is not a gambling addict
He's a tzedaka addict
He really thinks he's doing a mitzvah by giving away every penny we have
I've tried cutting him off.
He opens credit cards
He badgers me every minute of the day. I get no peace. We have never been able to have a normal conversation about money and budgeting that didn't end with him screaming like a maniac.
I need energy to focus on my kids and my job
I want to keep my family together
I stopped caring honestly
I used to have sleepless nights worrying about money.
A rebbetsin told me I was taking too much responsibility and I needed to let him take responsibility.
So let him.
Not my problem if we default or go into foreclosure
I personally have no care in the world
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amother
Glitter
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:08 am
Op. Sorry you're dealing with this.
I would def call mesila and if they can't help they may be able to point you in the right direction. Surely you won't be the first to call them without a husband on board.
Secondly I would call shalom task force and ask for help/direction...again you wouldn't be the first and they may have the right contacts for you.
Sending you strength
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amother
Lightcyan
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:27 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | My husband is not a gambling addict
He's a tzedaka addict
He really thinks he's doing a mitzvah by giving away every penny we have
I've tried cutting him off.
He opens credit cards
He badgers me every minute of the day. I get no peace. We have never been able to have a normal conversation about money and budgeting that didn't end with him screaming like a maniac.
I need energy to focus on my kids and my job
I want to keep my family together
I stopped caring honestly
I used to have sleepless nights worrying about money.
A rebbetsin told me I was taking too much responsibility and I needed to let him take responsibility.
So let him.
Not my problem if we default or go into foreclosure
I personally have no care in the world |
You can freeze his credit so he can't open more cards.
Honestly I disagree with the rebbetzin. Will she let you move in when your default or go into foreclosure?
Also, do you work and he's spending all the money you earn?
Sending hugs!
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amother
Steelblue
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:32 am
I am not in this situation, in any way or form.
I am truly blessed in this area; we don’t have much, but DH and I both work hard and are on the same page.
I would like to understand though… I have a friend going through this, I can’t ask her as I don’t want to cause pain, so all I can do is validate her experience.
I would like to understand though, what’s stopping her, or anyone, from sorting out bank accounts, opening new account for her income, arranging automatic payment for bills…
Cutting him out of their financial situation.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone by asking. I am grateful I am not dealing with this. By the grace of G-d!
Can anyone help me understand?
No judgement. I wish the best for anyone dealing with the financial and emotional ramifications of this. Xx
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amother
Cadetblue
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:32 am
I am in this mess and my house is in foreclosure.
Is it only with tzedaka that he is so reckless?
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amother
Birch
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:34 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Mesila sounds like a good service when both partners are on board and motivated.
Maybe I need something more like shalom task force. |
I know that mesila gave a webinar on this topic recently. They may be able to help you or guide you to someone who can
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:39 am
| amother [ Steelblue ] wrote: | I am not in this situation, in any way or form.
I am truly blessed in this area; we don’t have much, but DH and I both work hard and are on the same page.
I would like to understand though… I have a friend going through this, I can’t ask her as I don’t want to cause pain, so all I can do is validate her experience.
I would like to understand though, what’s stopping her, or anyone, from sorting out bank accounts, opening new account for her income, arranging automatic payment for bills…
Cutting him out of their financial situation.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone by asking. I am grateful I am not dealing with this. By the grace of G-d!
Can anyone help me understand?
No judgement. I wish the best for anyone dealing with the financial and emotional ramifications of this. Xx |
It's not something I have koach to write out.
But you get to the point where you give up thinking long term and just try to get through the next day or week.
When you've reached out to people but nobody can really fix it or figure out. Everyone thinks it's easy and simple. Why don't you just... People who have responsible hardworking husbands just don't get it.
Well, I want to stay married.
I want peace of mind.
I don't want screaming and fights all day.
I have a heavy load of responsibility already
So now I also have to be his mental health specialist? Run around to therapists and try to convince him to see someone?
He thinks he's a tzadik full of eminah and bituchen and I have a problem.
We used to have a very good ruv my husband trusted and he saved us many times.
He passed away from COVID last year.
I don't have anyone else.
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