Chuzzik please.My child heard me talking to his rebbe

amother

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:54 pm

I am so so upset and feel like I lost my child's trust. I said too much, and embarrassed my child in front of the Rebbe by asking insight Abt how to handle chutzpah and my son's difficult temperament at home. I was down locked in the basement romy son must have a radar to have come all the way down from far on the top floor of the house to listen behind the locked door. I am so so sad I feel like I broke my child's trust. My son is livid and so so embarrassed now in front of his Rebbe. He is seething at me. Chuzzik please. I am so down, how will my son trust me again. I just need to keep my mouth shut.

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:58 pm

Never have these discussions when your children are home. Period.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 2:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

DREAMING

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:00 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Never have these discussions when your children are home. Period.

Usually not possible.

amother

DarkViolet

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:02 pm

I had something similar happen. My son heard me talking about him to a Rebbi. I felt that I ruined everything because he heard me. My husband said that in a long run he will realize that his parents care about him and that’s why they are trying to help him. It’s around a year later- maybe more and he didn’t bring it up.
Just recently my son (probably older than your son) was telling me that I should not go to his pta. He said no parents go at this age. I told him he should know that parents are always in touch with teachers and rebbeim anyway.
He should know that we work together.
It’s a good thing.

amother

Wallflower

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:05 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Never have these discussions when your children are home. Period.

She's asking for chizuk

Tirza

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:07 pm

It is understandable that your child is embarrassed and angry right now, but as a parent you did the right thing. You turned to his Rebbe for help, which is completely appropriate, and you chose a private place to talk so that no one else would overhear. You did the necessary thing, and you took precautions to preserve your child’s dignity. I’m sure having your son express his anger at you is very uncomfortable, but he is a child and doesn’t understand that you asked for advice in order to help him. His anger and embarrassment will pass with time, and it’s unlikely that it will damage your relationship in the long term.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:14 pm

His listening to a personal conversation is inappropriate. But I don’t think having that conversation with his rebbi is appropriate either. Then again the rebbi happily had it with you and that strikes me as inappropriate too? I dunno. I would acknowledge his anger and let him know it won’t happen again.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:15 pm

Zehava wrote:

Do not have these conversations at all

She can certainly ask for help with her son. The rebbi doesn’t seem like the right choice though because that can damage their relationship.

behappy2

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:23 pm

Give it time. Let him be upset. How old is he? Did you get good advice from the Rebbe?

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:27 pm

Are you sure he knows whom you spoke to?
I’d let him think it was a chinuch pro he doesn’t know to save him from embarrassment.

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:27 pm

Zehava wrote:

Do not have these conversations at all

What’s wrong with reaching out for advice?

Zehava

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:35 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

She can certainly ask for help with her son. The rebbi doesn’t seem like the right choice though because that can damage their relationship.

Exactly. She should not be tattling to his rebbe about his behavior. And not be having any negative conversations about him when he’s home.

Zehava

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:36 pm

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

What’s wrong with reaching out for advice?

Not to the rebbe. Very damaging to his pride and to both relationships that are most important to him. He will not trust either of them again so fast, or ever.

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:39 pm

Zehava wrote:

Not to the rebbe. Very damaging to his pride and to both relationships that are most important to him. He will not trust either of them again so fast, or ever.

It’s only damaging because he heard. Otherwise, an experienced rebbe who knows a child well and deals with him all day can really help out with issues at home. He is usually mature and smart enough not to let on that he knows anything. The flop here was that she wasn’t cautious enough and the child heard. Otherwise I see nothing wrong with reaching out to the rebbe.

amother

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:39 pm

He is 11.
I made a mistake. He is my first born. I am learning. Thanks for all those who sent support.
The Rebbe called to tell me how great he is learning. I asked me what he would advise I should react when my son says he doesn't want to learn, doesn't want to go to shul to learning programs, and overall says thing like " I hate learning". I also gave some feedback my son had mentioned Abt the class schedule.

I appreciate all those who gave chuzzik. To the mom who said this happened to her, how is your son doing now?

Zehava

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:43 pm

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

Wrong
Something that can be this damaging if revealed should not happen at all. This is akin to saying that if a husband cheats it’s okay as long as the wife never finds out. Trust doesn’t work this way.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:45 pm

In my opinion, never speak negatively about your child to their rebbi. The same way you shouldn't speak negatively about yourself to your husband.
However, once you already did, it'll blow over and maybe it'll be a good wake up call for your son, not to be chutzpadig.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He is 11.
I made a mistake. He is my first born. I am learning. Thanks for all those who sent support.

That’s a great attitude. Gam zeh yaavor. It certainly wasn’t intentional. Let him feel angry, show him that you understand you made a mistake and you’re sorry, it won’t happen again.