Immature child... | Imamother

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 2:09 am

So my kid is super immature. Almost 6 and cries about everything. Whines. Wont listen. Has meltdowns and temper tantrums...

Like we promised a reward for each kid who did X by a specific time. 1 kid did, got the reward. This kid clearly did not, by no stretch of the imagination. They could have, it was within their skill set and they usually can do it. Had a major meltdown that they wanted it, "but Kid 1 got it!". I calmly spoke to the crying kid, explained what happened. DC6 said they understood that their sibling did what was agreed upon and DC6 didnt. "But I want it!".
I empathized, labeled the feeling etc and said that maybe next time they could get it too. Quieted down but then Meltdown continued 2 minutes later. We dont give in to the meltdown which would only encourage it.

I am at my wits end. This is just 1 example. I give a lot of 1 on 1 attentionto each kid, compliment on job well done, plus do family games/activities all together and am generally very on top of it with my kids and their needs (emotionally and physically).
But I am out of ideas! Besides being frustrating to the rest of the family (disrupts routine, is annoying etc.) I think its affecting this kid at school. Or will affect because teachers lose patience as time goes on for meltdowns etc.

Any ideas?

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 3:40 am

1. Quit reward systems in general, they are stupid and will cause sibling fights as you clearly see
2. If he doesn't do it, it's bc he CANNOT do it at age 6. He's not trying to be impossible or spite you. So now look at what else is going on physically. Why can't he emotionally regulate? Is he lacking the skills or is something else going on. Pinworms. Strep. Lack of sleep. Something else?
Emotional dysregulation at age 4 (when DC clearly should have been able to) was my #1 symptom of pandas.

amother

Green

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 3:43 am

I have one very similar, also just about 6. Cries a lot, and whines a ton when not crying. Drives me nuts some days!! Also with the prizes- cries hysterically if I mention doing a prize for something she's not sure she can do. Wants the prize, but can't deal with the pressure! Would love to hear ideas!

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 3:52 am

For my kid it's ADHD. His IQ is through the roof. A super gifted child but his maturity at 8 is more like a 5 year old. I don't medicate because he's well behaved at school but at home he can be out of control.

You may want to cut out the reward system. He might be physically capable of doing it but emotionally and mentally he can't get there.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 9:06 am

There's nothing wrong with a reward system but it shouldnt be competitive. Each child has their own star chart for doing things that are age appropriate, cleaning room, doing certain chores.. Positive reinforcement is very effective if used correctly.

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:00 am

So this was something the kid can do and has done numerous times. They usually do. The reward incentive was actually meant for sibling who can be easily distracted but can focus long enough if sufficiently rewarded. And that day was a hard day for the other kid (not DC6). We wouldn't give one an opportunity for a reward and not the other kid.
Each kid could have gotten it, it wasnt a "first to do it get it" which would be unfair and drive sibling competition. This was "whoever can do it in X time gets it"-- with reminders.

But this is just an example and I need it not to be focused on just that one example. The whining, tears, immaturity, meltdowns happen over all sorts of things.
Eg. Misunderstandings and I clearly explain that my kid heard wrong and X is happening. Even after acknowledging that X is happening.

Or I give this kid a warning about bedtime coming soon. Kid understands that they have X time. We give subsequent reminders and that they should wrap up. Still we have a meltdown if colossal nature.

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:05 am

And please stop posting about strep being a cause for all childhood misbehavior. My kid has never had strep, doesnt get sore throats... actually all my kids have never had strep! (I never had it either as far as anyone can recall, it apparently runs in families but not mine. And I remember getting tested for it as a kid when sick).

I am looking for behavioral solutions and am just exhausted by so many threads diving into lyme disease (we dont live in that type of area... not wooded at all, we dont do nature hikes. I live in a city and not in NY or NJ) or strep. Neither are at play for us.
Thank you.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:49 am

I have a kid who gets extremely distressed when a sibling gets something and they don’t. They can’t handle the imbalance/unfairness/lack of symmetry. It’s not rational or behavioral, no amount of behavioral techniques with take away that distress. It’s stems from anxiety.

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 12:02 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Can you parent this kid differently?

Instead of "you get a story if you are ready by 6:00" say "come let's get in PJs, then we get a story. "

Oh, we tried that. Many times. Doesnt work. Kid keeps playing/doing what they want. Then it gets really late... when we get the kid in PJs finally then they meltdown that they dont get a story because it is 45++ minutes after bedtime. Without a time limit, consequence or reward we are stuck.

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 12:03 pm

amother [ Daylily ] wrote:

What do you do to help?
This also happens even without the other sibling being involved/sense of unfairness etc.

behappy2

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 12:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So why don't you give them the story? Come up with other ways to get them into bed that are not consequence related.

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OK so are you ready to hear that your parenting needs help? Bc that's the other option.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What do you do to help?
This also happens even without the other sibling being involved/sense of unfairness etc.

We work on lowering their anxiety in general. And in the moment we just work on deescalation. And lower expectations/expect these kinds of blowups. Do not deprive siblings of rewards, but do think carefully about how and when to present them, because I need to know I can handle the blowup.

LovesHashem

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:36 pm

amother [ Daylily ] wrote:

It could be anxiety. Many people with autism struggle with it as well, in addition to kids with ADHD or ODD or who simply have that kind of nature.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:37 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

It could be anxiety. Many people with autism struggle with it as well, in addition to kids with ADHD or ODD or who simply have that kind of nature.

Ye, it’s a brain based thing for sure. Highly aroused nervous system, wired for danger/survival explains it better than an abcdefg diagnosis.

LovesHashem

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:37 pm

amother [ Daylily ] wrote:

Ye, it’s a brain based thing for sure. Highly aroused nervous system, wired for danger/survival explains it better than an abcdefg diagnosis.

Some kids also have a diagnosis.