The "untalented" sister

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:00 am

I personally think my kids are ALL the smartest, cutest, most wonderful kids. However, recent events have shown me that, objectively, one of my girls is less "smart" (the kind measured by schoolwork and IQ tests) and is also quite shy. Her sister (close in age) is more "advanced" and outgoing.
At this point, they are both too young for this to really matter. They're quite little. But I'd rather do the right thing from the beginning, than do damage control in 10 years.
My quieter daughter is very good at practical things; she loves to help out at home. She also shows quite a bit of creativity, but it's a little early to know if she will be an amazing artist, dancer, singer, etc.
My question is how do you make sure one kid never feels like the "untalented" one? I don't see her that way, and I try to give constant positive messages to all my kids. I'm just looking ahead and wondering if it will be difficult when these girls are older and one has an easier time with school and lots more friends. What can I do starting NOW, to make sure each kid will be happy and proud of themselves? That they are different, but that's okay and they all have strengths?
I'm especially interested if you can relate to my quieter daughter-but always has good self esteem. What do you think made that happen for you?

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:02 am

Quiet and shy people aren't unhappy.
They usually have their own few friends.

You can start any kind of classes by 2nd-3rd grade.
Even just for fun. (Art, dance etc.)
If one of them is great at it you'll pick it up soon enough.

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:10 am

amother [ Obsidian ] wrote:

She does have friends. It just takes her time to get comfortable.
If she's an introvert, then I assume she'll be happy with her social life. However, as a shy extrovert myself, I'm concerned that if she has a harder time making friends but her sister doesn't, she might compare herself. (ETA: this was kind of unclear. I'm trying to say that I know she's shy/quiet, but I don't know if she's introverted and will be fine with it, or she's extraverted and won't be happy.)
There are a few more years before either girl is in 2nd grade, but I'll keep it in mind.

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:11 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Talent is overrated. A girl who is practical and helpful will have a much easier time as a Jewish mother than the smart and talented ones.
Speaking as a 'smart and talented one.'

I tend to agree with you that she seems to be at an advantage for life. But for the next 15 years...school is going to be a big part of her life.

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Nah my sister always had a million friends, was going in and out of social circles, cliques and politics.
I thought she was so vain.
I had my 2-3 close friends and felt very "mature" about it. 😃

amother

Lightyellow

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 11:21 am

I don't think it's a good idea to try to predict or control what will happen with each sisters life in the future. You never know how their personalities will develop.

I have a son who was majorly rambunctious until around bar mitzvah and suddenly became a huge masmid. I don't know how that happened because I wouldn't have predicted that he'd be my big learner.

Just raise them in a supportive environment where they're accepted as they are Give them the opportunity to experience different things and decide what appeals to them. It's ok to do a creative activity because you enjoy it without necessarily being good at it.

It still bothers me to this day that I wasn't allowed to join the school choir because I didn't have a good voice. We don't exclude kids from math class because they're not good in math. Why do we decide early on who's good in singing, who's good in art, who's good at dance, and then for the rest of your life you can't take part in these activities because you're "not good at it."

AMothe

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 2:39 pm

I relate to this personally, as I am a year apart from my sister the “talented one”, whom everyone praises nonstop. I never felt insecure about it though, I think because of the love I got in general. I was praised very much for everything I did at home, and I felt my mother really appreciated me for all my good, which allowed me to have a very strong self esteem as well as a great relationship with my sister, where I’m proud of her but don’t feel less than.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 2:47 pm

Right now, I'd give her opportunities to develop the things she likes, on her own or in small groups. My dd like this liked small cake decorating or baking groups run by mothers or teens. As she got older, she bakes with her friends, and in the summer and when school isn't as busy, she contributes to chessed cooking and baking. She tried Tomchai Shabbos packing but it was too busy for her.

Basically, give validity to what she likes and encourage and support it. If there's a school or class play and she wants to do scenery or props instead of being on stage, don't ask if she's sure she doesn't want to try out for choir- treat her contribution as the same as someone on stage: important and amazing.

Simple1

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 2:57 pm

The best thing you can do is not to stereotype them and fit them in boxes. Especially at their age, they are way too young to predict how they’ll turn out.

Lessons is always a nice idea. I have done activities with my kids even without lessons such art /craft projects from Michaels.

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 3:31 pm

AMothe wrote:

Thank you for responding!
Right now, they have a great relationship and I do want to see it continue.

amother

Bone

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 3:37 pm

I have lots of girls and feel the same way about some vs others. I think really important to put the shy quiet ones in some activities that they can really take ownership of, be proud of , and get somewhat good at. (Basketball, Art, volleyball, drama, dance) . This way the “less talented “ one can always take pride in something that is just her thing. I have found that this has been helpful for my daughter.