Being a guest at ILs - what's the etiquette?

amother

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 6:48 pm

We're going to my ILs for pesach overseas. They live in a developing country where food and labor is cheap and they have a large house with no children home anymore. Neither they or us have much money.

I'm wondering what is appropriate etiquette while we're there for a long while and over Yom tov? Or what we should bring there?

We have a good relationship with them BH.

amother

DarkGreen

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 6:57 pm

Why don’t you see if there is anything she needs that is scarce/expensive in her country, but reasonably priced in yours? If she doesn’t have something specific, you can research it a bit.

amother

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 8:00 pm

dena613 wrote:

Help clear, help serve, clean up after yourself, be appropriate in terms of conversation and behavior

They have live in help. One of the reasons my MIL was encouraging us to save money up over the past few years to come for pesach was because she wanted me to have a break. There is no clearing or cleaning and very minimal serving. I will definitely help in the kitchen (pretty easy when someone else peels and cuts all your food haha).

amother

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 8:02 pm

amother [ DarkGreen ] wrote:

Why don’t you see if there is anything she needs that is scarce/expensive in her country, but reasonably priced in yours? If she doesn’t have something specific, you can research it a bit.

I'll have to investigate. My in laws are very simple make do type of people, they probably couldn't think of anything if we asked them. I'll try and ask others.

amother

NeonPurple

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 8:32 pm

Bring Matzah
This could be expensive for them since the country may be importing it
Also ask about Pesach staples like coffee, sugar, condiments etc.

amother

Chartreuse

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 9:15 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

Bring Matzah
This could be expensive for them since the country may be importing it
Also ask about Pesach staples like coffee, sugar, condiments etc.

All that plus depending on where you’re coming from and going to, meat might be a lot cheaper where you are. It could be nice to bring some meat with you. Even just for one or two meals as a nice extra. A good butcher should be able to pack it for travel. Some countries will need you to declare it, but Ive never heard of it being a problem (unless you’re going to New Zealand, which I doubt Wink

, they like to make trouble).
(Pack it frozen in a freezer bag with extra ice packs and it should be fine)

Depending on what the family eats, all the extras like chocolate, maybe some ready made cakes and cookies or cheese etc. Out of town places have a lot less klp products available in general, and especially now with shipping issues. So I’m sure treats like that would be appreciated.

amother

Wine

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 9:44 pm

I would not bring 'real' food(matza, meat) to my parents/in laws unless they ask. I would bring extras like treats if they are the type to appreciate it.
I would bring a cheap gift or something personal like photo collage of the kids.

Ema of 5

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 9:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think there is really any proper etiquette. Especially when it comes to pesach, each family is different. Your best bet would just be to speak to your mother in law, and see if she wants you to bring anything. Keep in mind there may be laws regarding things you may or may not be allowed to bring in from outside the country.

AMothe

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 10:33 pm

I would recommend buying something special for your mother in law. It can be as simple and cheap as Mishpacha/Ami/Binah...
I’m in the same situation as you with my in laws living in such a country and I know my mother in law always appreciates when I bring good reading material for her, since she cannot get that there and it’s her treat over Yom Tov.
Not sure if your mil likes reading, but something along these lines...

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Feb 12 2022, 10:57 pm

My first thought was to bring some for the pesach table.
Chargers
Individual hand towels
Napkin holders
Matza holder for center table
Salt water holder..
Anyone can help me w more ideas for pesach table?

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 12:58 am

I’m about your mil’s age probably, and a simple type like her. My favorite gifts are books, but I prefer to choose my own books if possible. Maybe ask her which new release she’d like? I also have particular brands of shells and stockings that I like, that you can’t get where I live, and can’t order online, so maybe ask if she’d like anything like that. Or, I would appreciate good KLP chocolate bars of course. (We don’t eat them on Pesach but they would be a nice treat to save for before or after.)

Be helpful, be kind, be upbeat, be responsible, clean up after yourself, compliment her on everything and say thank you a lot, show you’re interested in her and that you love her son. It will iy”H be a great visit!

imaima

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 3:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'll have to investigate. My in laws are very simple make do type of people, they probably couldn't think of anything if we asked them. I'll try and ask others.

Nice table cloths/napkins?

scintilla

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 4:11 am

If your MIL is the type to tell you not to bring anything, that she doesn't need anything etc, ask your husband what's hard to get there that they would appreciate - I'm assuming he grew up in that place and would remember.

lotus2525

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 5:32 am

I usually do prints/canvas/collage w pics of my kids. I go for professional pictures once or twice a year just for this reason. Especially if we don't live nearby, she at least gets to enjoy the Pictures

Raisin

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 6:35 am

Ask your inlaws if there is any food items they need that they can't get there. If they say nothing, a few bottles of wine is always useful at pesach. (Bring the wine you like to ensure an enjoyable seder, but obviously enough to share). I second KLP chocolates.

If they don't subscribe to frum magazines (they often don't deliver outside us/israel/big frum places) the yom tov editions are a great gift.

Something like a shabbos lamp or plata maight be a great gift. Make sure they need it and that you get the right voltage. (actual plug part is very easy to change)

sequoia

Sun, Feb 13 2022, 6:52 am

ASK

For instance, I live in Ukraine, and I would want:

new English books
Clorox toilet cleaner
Ziploc bags
Mac and cheese (obv if not for Pesach)
thermal tights

Ask what’s missing in their country.