Anxiety when my husband drinks

amother

Sun, Mar 13 2022, 10:00 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

my father brother bh never drank

I dont allow my DH to drink more than 2-3 oz

thats it!

someone in my town advertised her father was killed on Purim from a drunk driver, and she is making a campaign of no drinking on Purim for no one

Many Mitzvos to fulfill, be good role models - no alcohol!

How can you not allow it and he listens?? Once I asked dh not to drink or to drink very little and he got very very upset at me he was like I don’t do this at all this is my one day the whole year to have a good time ….. so I never said anything after that

Thisisnotmyreal

Sun, Mar 13 2022, 10:42 pm

In Lubavitch we have the concept of learning so much Chassidus that it's hard to differentiate between Mordechai and Haman because really, everything is Hashem.

At the Rebbe's farbrengen, one person was appointed to drink alcohol on behalf of everyone else.

ETA I'm not saying the alcohol abuse doesn't happen here. It does. But there's other options. Taking a nap or learning chassidus work just as well.

amother

Daisy

Sun, Mar 13 2022, 10:58 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

Doesn't Chabad drink every time they have a farbrengen?

Thisisnotmyreal

Sun, Mar 13 2022, 11:05 pm

amother [ Daisy ] wrote:

Doesn't Chabad drink every time they have a farbrengen?

Pretty much. It can cause a lot of problems. I was referencing here the chiyuv that people who can't control themselves hide behind.

"The more drunk people I see the more sober I become."

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Mar 13 2022, 11:14 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Am I the only one that loves seeing DH drunk? He’s so funny and makes everyone laugh.
Yes, toward the end he throws up and it’s not so pleasant. But in my circles, the men all get drunk and it’s part of our purim experience.

Same I love seeing my husband drunk! He’s sooo funny and keeps everyone in stitches. He won’t be getting drunk this year because I just had a baby and candy spare his help. Also he doesn’t vomit because he’s very careful to only drink dry wine

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 1:48 am

amother [ Daisy ] wrote:

If this is a once a year occurance, yes it is your issue to work out.
If this happens once a week it would be a different story.

So not true.1 time can cause medical issues permanently or at least long term. Alcohol poisoning is real. Accidents while drunk are real.

Plus the trauma of the family.
Plus the bad role model for the teenage son. If he gets drunk it is worse. Not only does he have less experience, less alcohol tolerance, is more risk prone... it can set him up for even worse long term medical and psychiatric issues. The brain isnt developed fully until about 26. So heavy drinking before that can change the brain.

I work in the addiction/mental health field. Hear it from me. This is backed by actual science. Purim is no excuse for crazy and drunken behavior.

amother

Daisy

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 4:42 am

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

So you should know that someone who drinks once a year isn't an addict. OP did not say her husband does anything irresponsible.
Drinking responsibly on Purim is pretty common. It includes handing over your car keys before taking the first drink, and only drinking around people who know you and will take care of you. (At home, when wife is present etc.)

lamplighter

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 8:55 am

I don't hear anything traumatic or crazy about her husband's drunk behavior. Throwing up? Gross but not damaging.
I also am uncomfortable around people who drink including my husband because I get second hand embarrassment and I'm anxious about what they may say or do. Not because it happens but because I'm nervous it can.
My father and brothers drink on Purim, it's gets silly and loud singing and some brothers throw up (in the bathroom) but that's it.

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 9:12 am

how about those of us who don't appreciate a roaring drunk hubby even once a year have a chat with him before.
my husband gets tipsy, like seriously giddy/happy to the point he's hilarious but not obnoxious. then someone tells him it's a good time to stop drinking and he does.
I think it's more about who hubby sits next to at seudah for example. Or who's gonna tell him it's enough (if he agrees on this beforehand.) this is what works for us.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 9:21 am

amother [ Ultramarine ] wrote:

This has nothing to do with why he doesn't vomit.

amother

Daisy

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 9:58 am

vintagebknyc wrote:

This has nothing to do with why he doesn't vomit.

It is connected for some people. Also included are not drinking on an empty stomach, not drinking too much, and being an experienced drinker. People that only drink on Purim generally don't know how to drink.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well the title says it all. Does anyone else get nervous on Purim seeing dh drink?
I’m married 19 years bh and I never get used to it. My father never drank and I dont have brothers so the whole concept was foreign to me. I think it’s bec dh normally is extremely stable and responsible ( bh bh bh bh I do NOT take it for granted. Being on here opened my eyes to how many woman suffer) so it’s so unnerving to see him lose control. He usually gets tipsy nothing crazy, I only remember 2 years him and my bil went a bit nuts ( vomiting, making a scene, my sil didn’t seem the least bit upset though.)
He tries to keep himself in check because we have a 17 year old Yeshiva bachur and he wants to be a role model. My stomach is in knots every year as the seudah is approaching….is this my problem to work out?

It’s a huge trigger for me and dh knows it. The deal is he stays mostly sober for the first part of the day when we eat the meal and go to the grandparents. Then in the afternoon we part ways, he goes to his parties, and then he can let loose. By the time he comes home either I’m sleeping or he’s already mostly sobered up.

amother

Garnet

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:04 am

amother [ Daisy ] wrote:

No the type has zero to do with anything. The issues are drinking on an empty stomach, MIXING types, and drinking excessively.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:12 am

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

someone in my town advertised her father was killed on Purim from a drunk driver, and she is making a campaign of no drinking on Purim for no one

While I genuinely feel bad for this woman, this campaign of no drinking is a little much. I understand a campaign no drinking and driving, even if you had a little shot. But to take away a big part of purim....

After a couple of years, I learned to discuss drinking before purim. For example, my dh attends parties at night, and we made up he will go light on the alcohol then. Many purim mornings were started too late from being hung over.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:18 am

Dh drank enough to throw up one Purim. He also lay down to sleep, then got up and wandered around the house and threw up again in my kid's room. I don't think it's ever ok to put yourself in a position that this could happen and someone else would need to take care if you and clean up after you without that person's permission. And it shouldn't be a formality- the wife gets to say no with zero resentment. If the wife isn't ok with it, it's on the dh to show he will be in control. What that means is between the couple, but the person not drinking gets veto power. And she also gets to veto if she's fine but the kids are scared.

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:46 am

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

my father brother bh never drank

I dont allow my DH to drink more than 2-3 oz

Many Mitzvos to fulfill, be good role models - no alcohol!

I don't understand what "I don't allow my DH to drink" means. Are you controlling like that in other areas too? I don't think a woman is supposed to be her husband's boss.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 10:54 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

I don't understand what "I don't allow my DH to drink" means. Are you controlling like that in other areas too? I don't think a woman is supposed to be her husband's boss.

Unless she's responsible for dealing with him and/or compensating when he drinks too much.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:02 am

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

To play devil's advocate, as someone who works in addiction you have a very skewed perspective. You are only seeing one side of the story. You obviously are not seeing the men who get drunk once a year and have no long term addiction problems from it.

My husband only drinks on purim. He very rarely has wine otherwise (even for kiddush we use grape juice). At the most he will have a little in shul by a kiddish or if we are guests by someone who services. But it's only a little and no where near enough to make him high.

Personally, I don't like that he gets drunk on purim because it's hard for me to be on my own with the kids. They are super hyper at the end of the day and getting them to bed is challenging. But I can sacrifice for him one day a year because he does many things for me. And I am not at all concerned that he will become addicted from it

amother

Garnet

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:07 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

I don't understand what "I don't allow my DH to drink" means. Are you controlling like that in other areas too? I don't think a woman is supposed to be her husband's boss.

This is not what controlling means. But if it’s my problem to deal with the kids alone and clean up vomit and nurse him back to health, I can “not allow it”. When you are proactive in not being used as needed and mistreated, you are in a healthy relationship. That is not control. So sad that so many people here don’t get it.