Anxiety when my husband drinks

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:10 am

I was not thrilled about it in the beginning of our marriage but dh has proven to me again and again that he's a 'good drunk.' It brings out a totally new side of him that's so special for me to watch. He says divrei Torah, dances with my kids and is just a difference person in a good way. He still maintains enough control that if he needs to throw up he does it in the bathroom and we have a firm agreement that he won't start drinking until after Mincha and most of the deliveries are done so he can help drive the kids around.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:41 am

Can kids be 'traumatized' by watching their father vomit?

I am not talking about crazy behavior. That I get.

My father didn't drink till he was drunk either. He drinks all year so he handles the alcohol pretty well.

I was married for 2 weeks and dh got drunk. I was not pleased but what can I do? He drank since 18, his father drinks too. He does it responsibly. Drinks only after eating and davening mincha, drinks loads of water. No sweet wine etc. (Oh and of course he claims that he is not drunk only tipsy)

Part of marriage is families merging with different minhagim. While I try to tell him that you should rather do a cat nap to fulfill the mitzva (especially the year my baby was 3 weeks old), ultimately it is his choice.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:49 am

amother [ Garnet ] wrote:

This is not what controlling means. But if it’s my problem to deal with the kids alone and clean up vomit and nurse him back to health, I can “not allow it”. When you are proactive in not being used as needed and mistreated, you are in a healthy relationship. That is not control. So sad that so many people here don’t get it.

I have never cleaned up vomit. If he did vomit, it was in the toilet. And I never had to nurse him back to health. He got a good nights sleep and was over it by the next day.

Its true that I have to deal with the kids on my own for a few hours, but there are times when he does that for ne

Maybe your dh drinks way way too much. There is a middle ground between 2-3 oz and overdrinking to the point of being sick as a dog

amother

Indigo

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 11:52 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Same here. My father never drank at all. I almost never saw drunk people on purim.
But my dh has been drinking on purim since he was in beis medrash. And it wouldn't be fair of me to stop him.
And he does not get crazy or inappropriate at all.

amother

Plum

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 12:54 pm

amother [ Garnet ] wrote:

No the type has zero to do with anything. The issues are drinking on an empty stomach, MIXING types, and drinking excessively.

The type absolutely has to do with how sick they get. Many men will vomit if they have sweet wine, but not if they have dry wine. Same amount.

amother

Seablue

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 1:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well the title says it all. Does anyone else get nervous on Purim seeing dh drink?
I’m married 19 years bh and I never get used to it. My father never drank and I dont have brothers so the whole concept was foreign to me. I think it’s bec dh normally is extremely stable and responsible ( bh bh bh bh I do NOT take it for granted. Being on here opened my eyes to how many woman suffer) so it’s so unnerving to see him lose control. He usually gets tipsy nothing crazy, I only remember 2 years him and my bil went a bit nuts ( vomiting, making a scene, my sil didn’t seem the least bit upset though.)
He tries to keep himself in check because we have a 17 year old Yeshiva bachur and he wants to be a role model. My stomach is in knots every year as the seudah is approaching….is this my problem to work out?

Yes! Put your foot down,

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 3:03 pm

amother [ Daisy ] wrote:

So you should know that someone who drinks once a year isn't an addict. OP did not say her husband does anything irresponsible.
Drinking responsibly on Purim is pretty common. It includes handing over your car keys before taking the first drink, and only drinking around people who know you and will take care of you. (At home, when wife is present etc.)

I never called him an addict. But even 1 time is not harmless. For him or his family.

The wife says she is concerned. Alcohol use causing issues with relationships/family is one of the criteria for addiction according to the DSM and ASAM diagnostic criteria. That alone is not enough for an addiction label. But it does mean that it is something that isnt 100% innocuous.
She also did say it was bad a previous Purim. We also dont know what happens, only what is posted.

Alcohol is NOT always HARMLESS. Even if it is socially acceptable to over drink on Purim.
Purim doesnt mean you have to get drunk.

FYI I am not someone who believes it is never ok and we should never have any. But I dont think getting drunk should be so accepted either.

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 3:15 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

To play devil's advocate, as someone who works in addiction you have a very skewed perspective. You are only seeing one side of the story. You obviously are not seeing the men who get drunk once a year and have no long term addiction problems from it.

My husband only drinks on purim. He very rarely has wine otherwise (even for kiddush we use grape juice). At the most he will have a little in shul by a kiddish or if we are guests by someone who services. But it's only a little and no where near enough to make him high.

Personally, I don't like that he gets drunk on purim because it's hard for me to be on my own with the kids. They are super hyper at the end of the day and getting them to bed is challenging. But I can sacrifice for him one day a year because he does many things for me. And I am not at all concerned that he will become addicted from it

I now work in this field but have worked elsewhere and seen the way the rest of the community acts and behaves too. I am not in a bubble. I dont have a skewed image of it. I see people handling alcohol just fine.

But I do know that it can be a huge issue. And many get started becoming addicts because of Purim, Simchas Torah, shul events, kiddush clubs...
Purim is not an excuse to get fully drunk, throw up etc.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 4:28 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Can I say that maybe it all depends on Mom's attitude?

When dh walks into a child's bedroom, the kid says hi and dh doesn't respond but just wobbles and then throws up on the rug in front of the child, I can't see how the mother's attitude makes that not scary or upsetting. This happened while I was in my room. Dh wandered back in stinking and my kid came in crying. He was scared of his father, scared for his father, and upset at his father for making his room gross and stinky and ruining his favorite book.

Thankfully, like OP's experience, for my dh this was enough to never drink that much again. I have to give him ridiculous amounts of positive reinforcement and he is extra eager for praise, telling me throughout the day and night that he only had x number of glasses of wine and then soaking in the praise and gratefulness.

Can anyone explain to me why any man would be ok with being that put of control for the sake of this mitzvah? If you get sick but are fully in control to go to the bathroom and be able to answer your kids without getting surly, fine. Not all people get drunk the same way, even if they don't throw up. If a man's father and brothers all do it with no problem but this man gets agitated when drunk or grabs his kids to dance but squeezes hard enough to hurt them without realizing, for him it's not ok, and it's not on the wife to make it workable.

israelgirl

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 5:50 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

my father brother bh never drank

I dont allow my DH to drink more than 2-3 oz

thats it!

someone in my town advertised her father was killed on Purim from a drunk driver, and she is making a campaign of no drinking on Purim for no one

Many Mitzvos to fulfill, be good role models - no alcohol!

Who gave you permission to "allow" your DH to do anything?

israelgirl

Mon, Mar 14 2022, 5:54 pm

I host a big Purim Seuda every year. about 30 plus guys and yes, of course there is vomit everywhere. And my kids aren't growing up traumitized, they LOVE purim because I love it. It's once a year, the guys have a great time, I have a massive clean up job to do afterwards and onwards.
I think we need to try and concentrate on how positive a time it is.

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about the really nasty drunks that were described above, going to the bathroom in the streets and hugging random women....my experience with drunks have been very very happy exciteable men who stumble, fall and love life....perhaps I've only experienced the good type enabling me to have this attitude.