Seminary and Co-dependancy

amother

Phlox

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 2:33 pm

Yes, I answered the first option, but I was coming from an abusive home, has just realized this fact and spent most of my sem year busy processing it and starting therapy. Plus the girl was from a similar (but much worse, you wouldn't believe her life story if I said it here, sounds fictional) family background, and had a history of manipulating people like this both before and after me. It's only with Hashem's help that I got out of it after only 1.5 years as let's just say there was someone after me who tried reporting her for SA...it didn't get very far for complicated reasons.

My point in saying all this (and don't worry I'm over it b"h! This is over 10 years in the past, went to lots of therapy, got over it completely before getting married and bh happily married for many years), is that yes it does happen but in my experience it's generally with people who are already pretty vulnerable. Not something to worry about necessarily for a more typical girl, and if you know your daughter is more vulnerable work on getting her resources in place beforehand and someone to look out for her there.

It's worth noting that I never came across this kind of thing in all my other years in camps etc.

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:03 pm

I think this is a normal part of growing up.

Most children are at some time in a friendship where the other friend is the boss and
the other child is taken advantage of.

We did not use the term "Co-Dependent". We called it a "one-sided relationship" and
"friend is taking advantage of you" and "friend is using you".

This childhood experience teaches children to be alert that future relationships are
fair and balanced - including marriage.

Children do not need to be "protected" from every difficulty.

Sometimes experience is the best teacher to help children avoid much more serious issues
when they are adults.

byisrael

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:04 pm

I have seen co- dependent relationships in middle school, high school, camp, seminary, in my neighborhood, in my workplace, in my extended family. I have yet to find a socail setting that is completely free of unhealthy relationships

I didn't see more co- dependent relationships in seminary then in other settings. I do think that because sem/college is sometimes the first independent living situation some times issues can emerge. I still don't think that living away from home/in a dorm situation is the CAUSE rather it is just the first opportunity things like this rear there heads.

Op I am wondering what the point of this poll is

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:07 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Codependency and taking advantage are too different things.

Taking advantage is like being friends with a studious girl to just get good study sessions and notes.

Codependany means all your self worth is put into this relationship. If the person is not available you feel like you want to die. A girl may even threaten to commit suicide and say its the friends fault if she does due to her not being available enough. They are emotionally and intimately intertwined at a deeply unhealthy level.

Not the same thing at all.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:08 pm

byisrael wrote:

I agree. I came from abuse and neglect and ended up in many such relationships through out high school and seminary.

After therapy and lots of self work it got a lot better. Getting married also helped completely curb any Codependant tendacies that were left.

amother

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:15 pm

byisrael wrote:

I teach in several seminaries/high schools and the most common question I get is from girls suffering with obsessions/physical relationships.

I sometimes wonder if this is truly so prominent, then perhaps girls dont really belong over seas away from home. Are we losing more than we are gaining?

amother

Burntblack

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think it's normal and I don't think it has anything to do with not being home.
If you would work in school you would see it in school. If you would work in camp you would see that in camp.
If we would have mixed gender activities it would make more sense to you, since you expect opposite genders to be attracted.
Teenagers are horny. If there are no boys around, they will obsess about girls.

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:44 pm

amother [ Cornsilk ] wrote:

I think this level of unhealthiness is not common.

amother

Phlox

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 3:58 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I think this level of unhealthiness is not common.

I think that's what OP is asking, how common it really is. I also think that till you know of it personally, you may not think it happens - I never knew of it until my own experience and most people who knew me in seminary never would have dreamed that this was my case with the friendship I described above.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 4:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No. It stems from uneahlthy places. Healthy girls who are happy do not end up in relationships like this. It doesn't stem from leaving home.

Leaving home can totally bring any issue or struggle to the forefront and make it worse.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 4:31 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I think this level of unhealthiness is not common.

Maybe it is and maybe it's not but this is what codependency looks like. And what you described was NOT codepdancy.

Its clearly common enough that both the Ami kids magazine had a children's serial comic and the teen pages in Mishpacha Jr. had a serial that showed that level of an unhealthy friendship.

I was really surprised to see a children's comic on codependency but honestly I'm hlaf they raised awareness. It's important.

amother

Mint

Sun, Mar 20 2022, 4:34 pm

amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:

This.