Why is Ima mother biased towards DILs over MILS ????

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 6:56 am

All these threads about evil mother in laws & poor poor daughter in laws with so many problems!
They can’t help when visiting b/c they’re suffering from PPD or stressed out or need a break.
& the mother in laws - should they ask? Or not ask to help??
Why isn’t it a given that if Children are at their parents or in-laws house for Yom Tov that everyone should help??
If someone is suffering from stresss, why does that give them an excuse not to help out?
That is really not fair for the entire burden of Yom Tov to fall on the in laws? Or parents?
It’s such bad midos!
What is going on here??

Ima mother definitely takes sides of the dils over the mils.
Some threads Im reading are so bratty.
Not to offer food to parents who come to visit?
Telling parents it’s not a good time?

What kind of generation is this?
I am a dil & daughter by the way, & embarrassed & cringing at some of these posts.

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:06 am

Thought that.
I’m getting into the age where I’ll prob be a mil soon
I dread that. B/c my dil will hate me no matter what I do or say. Or not do or not say

Daughter in laws here on ima mother need to know that mils also work & are worn out & deserve to have a nice Yom Tov too

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:09 am

Imamother is biased towards understanding the opposite perspective.

As a DIL, that means to understand how hard the hosting MIL is working, and to understand that cultural differences mean divergent expectations.

As a MIL, that means to understand that clueless, newlywed, or young mother who doesn't help out unasked doesn't mean lazy and selfish.

If you are a DIL, you should try to help your host when possible. Even if you aren't sure what to do, it is polite to offer or try to anticipate needs and meet them. If you are not up to it, it is a kindness (if it doesn't bother you too much) to share the explanation of why you are doing less than your share.

If you are a MIL, you should understand that your children-in-law may be somewhat immature or oblivious, or awkward about helping. That doesn't mean that they have bad middos or will stay that way. It is your job to find ways to avoid feeling resentful, whether that's hiring help, lowering expectations, or outright asking for specific assistance.

Interpersonal relationships are always challenging. Trying to negatively label the other party generally does not contribute to a better relationship. Understanding them and trying to work with them is likely to lead to more positive results.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I love my mil- still, its an inherently difficult relationship by nature. It just IS. The mil's need to be the mature ones and recognize that their dil's have a lot on their plates, newlywed stage is tough, first pregnancies are tough, baby stage is tough etc etc. The Mil's are the ones who should have the wisdom to be kind, loving and understanding. And we should all be mom's who raise girls who are kind, helpful and loving dils. Amein.

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:14 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

True but also the mils are working bone hard to prep for Yom Tov. & it’s very hard to to have that understanding & patience when the whole burden of Yom Tov is falling on them.
I made Yom Tov so not going to in-laws anymore. Or parents. So I know how hard it is.

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you think that this is true of every newlywed? Or they might honestly be unaware of how monumental it can be?

As the older more mature party in this relationship, perhaps the MIL can kindly and gently ask for help instead of asking her DIL to read her mind and know.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I stopped going to my parents in my 20's. I've been making pesach for 11 years now and I'm the one hosting my mil. I can honestly say my mother slaved over hosting us and I hated every minute, it was too hard to keep my little ones controlled in someone else's home, and fed when I wasn't the one behind the stove, and on a schedule AND feel awful that I wasn't "helping" when I could barely survive. It was awful awful. Sure my mom cooked and cleaned and did everything but I was the one who left feeling like a shmatta. Actually so did she. It was terrible for everyone. Yes, I did need her to understand that not being in my home and keeping my kids from ruining hers was about as much as I could handle. Now we make pesach at home and I love it, my husband and kids beg to go back to my parents and I'm like nope, never.
Unpopular opinion:
I think its way harder to be a guest with small children than be a host in your own home.

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:32 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

I don’t think that’s the norm
It’s way harder to be a guest ? Than the host ?

A host in your own home with adult children & their babies?

Maybe it’s hard for both. But not harder to be the guest.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That depends on the host. If the host doesn't let kids be kids then its absolute gehenim for the adult children.
And whats so hard about hosting? I host every week. Whats the difference.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:37 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

Every word of this (except for the number of years).

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:38 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

That depends on the host. If the host doesn't let kids be kids then its absolute gehenim for the adult children.
And whats so hard about hosting? I host every week. Whats the difference.

You don’t host every week for pesach

Pesach is a whole level of hard.
Don’t minimize the difficulty of hosting for pesach please

amother

Mauve

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:40 am

Some ladies will be in for a rude awakening when the tables are turned and they are the mil. When I interact with my mil I always think is this how I would want my dil to treat me, and let that thought guide me.

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You don’t host every week for pesach

Pesach is a whole level of hard.
Don’t minimize the difficulty of hosting for pesach please

Pesach cooking is no patchke cooking- potato's, chicken, meat, meatballs. Easy easy. Brownies, blondies, ice cream.
I find sukkos harder because I want to be fancy.
I know lots of people who love pesach cooking because of how simple the cooking is.

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 7:59 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

Oh please.
Are you saying that pesach is not difficult to host ?
The cleaning before, cooking, changing over ?

Just admit it.

imaima

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The obvious answer is that rhe DILs are on the phone replying and MILs are busy with cleaning and cooking and grandkids

amother

Azure

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh please.
Are you saying that pesach is not difficult to host ?
The cleaning before, cooking, changing over ?

Just admit it.

With all due respect, whether one is hosting or only making Pesach for their own family, they have an equal amount of cleaning and changing over. Also remember that unless the MIL is hosting her children for the entire Pesach, they ALSO need to clean and change over.

The cooking does not have to be much more difficult than an average Shabbos. In fact, some find it easier. For me it is admittedly more difficult because of the many chumros we have, like not using processed foods and peeling + rinsing all produce. But once I'm already cooking, making extra for guests is not a significant increase in effort.